Better Day

...Finally.

A boring, bland, normal, nothing special day.

Bad Day

I didn't want to be a mom today. Not in the cute "I don't wanna change another dirty diaper today" way, but in the down and dirty- honest to God- I wish I wasn't a mother type.

Sure, it sounds heartless, but I challenge most moms out there to say they have never felt this way. They may not be bold (or stupid) enough to post a blog about it, but hey.. here I am.

It must have been a turbulent night for me in my dreams. I don't remember one of them, but when my eyes opened for the first time after the sun rose I was dreading the day. Why? I haven't the slightest idea. I did not want to get out of bed.

The day started absolutely terrible. Trevor's new routine includes saying "no" to everything I ask, or everything I do. This includes changing diapers or changing clothes. He fights, he screams, etc.

I was trying to make the feeling go away the whole morning. Trying to smile at T's antics, or look to the fact he is exploring his independence, terrible 2's, etc...

It just didn't happen. He even dissed me bad at one point. I was outside sitting on the front step because Nathan was working on the yard and T was outside playing with the dirt. I asked T if I could have a kiss and he looks up at me, thinks about it, then plain as day walks over to Nathan and plants one on him.

Gee, kid. Thanks.

He eventually made his way over to me for a kiss but at that point I was over it and stood up and went inside.

I feel like crap because I didn't go the extra mile to care for my son today. I didn't try and prevent him from crying or find solutions to help us both out. I just didn't have the energy for it. I still don't. I feel so drained. I feel so crappy.

About 1:30 Nathan put T down for a nap and of course he balled and balled. As Nathan was outside in the yard I was clutching the baby monitor holding back the urge to run and grab him, hold him, and try to get him to calm down. I didn't attempt that action because he would have just screamed and fought me holding him- making us both feel worse.

I was absolutely broken inside.

I went out back because I could not stand enduring the pain anymore. I sat on the back step and found a broken piece of purple glass at my feet. How tempted I was to slice the top of my bare foot. How tempted I was to glide the glass down my arm and watch it bleed. I wanted to go back to high school when life was simpler and cutting would take away all my cares.

I knew it wouldn't fix anything- but I was still tempted.

I had my head down, eyes closed, and my heart was fighting tears. I heard footsteps. I knew they weren't Nathan's. They were light and bare.

Ayla. She was on her way over. She sat next to me and with out a word began rubbing my back. I broke down in tears and muttered, "It's been a bad day."

She didn't try and get me to talk, or ask anything, she just sat next to me- rubbing my back and being there for me.

A few moments later Chelsea showed up. I had no idea she was coming. We texted a bit earlier but I just didn't hve the energy for conversation.

There they were- the best women.

We all went inside and didn't do much beside random small talk, awkward silences, and zone out... but I was beyond help and just needed them to be with me.

When Trevor woke up they helped me with him. They played with him, talked to him, etc. He was laughing and having a grand time like the terrible morning never occurred. Oh- to have a kid's outlook. "Whatever, I'm having fun right now!"

Nathan finished in the yard, Chelsea went to finish cleaning her old place, and Ayla and I went to get salads.

It was not the worst day ever, by any means, but it sure had me in scrambles the entire morning. How bad I wanted to drive away and hang out at a casino in Vegas or take a walk in the national park. Just me. Just warmth. Just air. Just space.

The night was wrapped up by Nathan feeding T dinner, giving him a bath, and picking up his toys. I curled up into a tiny ball on the couch and "slept". Nathan had an appointment at 8 for property management hooha, so he asked if I would put T down or if he wanted me for him to do it 15 minutes early.

While I was thinking about it- Trevor walked over and put his face in my neck. He put his arm over my back, too.

He was giving me a good hug.

Nathan walked away to the kitchen for something and I rolled over (I was facing the back of the couch) so T could climb up on the couch with me. He layed there zoned out on Scooby-Doo. He scooped his arm around and scooted it under my head so it was around my neck. I don't know how else to describe it so you can visualize it better- but he basically had his right arm under my neck, while laying on his back, zoning out on the tv.

I whispered to him, "I'm sorry I was a bad Mom today. I can't promise it won't happen again, but I love you no matter what. I am really sorry."

He rolled over and gave me a big hug.

I could have broken down in tears. I could have grabbed him, and squeezed, but I just stayed still. I smiled, but didn't move otherwise. He rolled back to zone out on the tv again, and Nathan walked over to give me kiss before he headed out. He smiled before he leaned over and said, "Heh, he's playing with your hair."

He was. His right hand, by the back of my head, was tossing my hair delicately. He would grab a strand or two then pull off softly.

As we were laying on the couch I did a sort of crazy little move where I sat up and picked him up at the same time. I walked him into his bedroom and started our normal bedtime routine. I was in a haze. I couldn't help feeling regretful for the morning but I know I have a valid reason for feeling the way I did. I love my son so very much, I would never do anything to hurt him in any way, unless it was a complete accident. I know he loves me. I know it. It's just really hard sometimes. "It" is motherhood. It's hard.

I might be a little disgruntled. Unstable. Irritable. Bitchy.

But that hug was the complete opposite of everything bad this morning.

Balances. Ugh.

Dirty Fun

Nathan and I decided to work "in the garden" out front today. Weeding, raking, so on and so forth...

Trevor had a BLAST getting dirty.



















He also thought it would wonderful to eat the dirt. I just laughed and admired his face. Unfortunately I didn't catch the face right after- just the dirt on the mouth. Classic.

The best part about the whole afternoon is he learned how to say "shovel".

He says it, "shuhbull". So. Freakin. Cute.

Seriously. Shuhbull. It's my new favorite thing that he says.

Some pictures...

I was in the process of going through pictures to print and send to my sister, when I felt like sharing them.

So here...

Her

Every night I have a million things to write about. Ok, Ok, not a million- but plenty.

I try and weed out what's lame vs. what's interesting and I usually end up writing the lame stuff.

Heh.

This, although, is not so lame.

Last night I felt Her. I felt Her close to me, like I haven't since right after she passed. My Mom.

She was here. I know it. I have no doubt. I could have practically thrown my arms around Her and cried.

I was sitting on the couch, after T went to bed, and Nathan was still sleeping. I was thoroughly engrossed in a Jeremy Irons flick when I- for no apparent reason- closed my eyes and felt warm.

I tilted my head to the left, smiled, and saw Her standing behind me, behind the couch, with Her hand on my shoulder. She ran Her hand softly over my hair and down the right side of my neck. She looked down at me and smiled. I smiled back, and soaked Her in.

She was here. I know it.

Maybe as a reminder that She will always be able to help me, always have an influence- or maybe it's because I am ready to really see Her... not by dying... but by opening up.

I have always felt like I was ready to "see" Her standing in front of me with Her beautiful smile, red hair, and arms out stretched... but maybe I never really was.

Perhaps last night was the first night.

I understand this is...well...controversial, and some people are holding back scoffs or lifting eyebrows at me- but who's to say this isn't just a terrible anecdote I am working up for reading pleasure (or pain?).

Back to the point at hand.

I miss my Mom. I always will. Duh. The thing is, I really need Her. Most folks pray to "God". I usually pray to my Mom. On occasion I have slipped "God" into my private conversation to Her, but for the most part it's She and I.

She was strong. She was wonderful.

Thank you Mom, for being with me last night. Thank You for being so close, and letting me feel Your touch again. I needed it- You know that. Maybe now I am strong enough to be closer to You.

It was wonderful.

Back to the Bar

Tonight. Oh glorious, glorious Thursday Night.

You are good to me.

Tonight was Ayla's and my first time back to our "regular" Thursday night routine after a month. The One and Only.

Seriously, playing pool is one of my most favorite things in the world to do. I just love love it.

I can't wait to set up our table... too bad it's has to wait until we buy a house. One of the criteria for our future home is: room for the pool table.

It's OK if it's in the garage. It's still up. The inlaws won't let us put it up here. Even though there is a plethora of room.

I digress.

Back to the bar. Night started out perfectly- our table was WIDE open. Not busy. Smoke-filled... but not terribly. Decent bar tender. Familiar faces.

I had $10 in my pocket itchin' to be turned into quarters. OH ya- I said $10. Pure quarter bliss.

One game is $ .75.

That's good shtuff.

Hm... apparently tonight is a rambling night. Joyous.

Ayla and I began playing. We were definitely even in skill for the night. That's how it usually goes. She wins. I win.

About 1/2 way into the night's shinanigans [no pistol whipping please{Broken Lizard fans}] another usual showed up. He's cool. A tad creepy, but cool. He always buys us beer. Not just any beer- Guinness. So of course he's cool.

...He bought us some beers. Just 2 each- but that's still $18.

The games were going nicely. Duh, they always do.

At one point I glanced up before a wickedly awesome shot and caught the eye of a skinny older guy wearing a leather jacket, sporting a pointy black goatee, and an Epiphone beanie. He smiled, I smiled-- we're in a friendly place and we all talk to everyone.

A little while later said skinny guy comes over to talk pool. It's always nice when people can actually talk and not feel like they have to be better than each other. We were instant friends.

Later that night we played each other. He even owns his own fancy-shmancy cue with a pearlized spider in the handle.

I kicked his ass. I left him standing with 4 balls on the table. Hehe. ::gloat, gloat, pat on back, gloat, smug grin:: My 8 ball shot was simply beautiful. Relatively long sharp angle with intent to pocket in the side. I glided the cue along my hand and nailed it. Right pressure. Right angle. Smooth sailing straight to the pocket.

You better believe I felt like the most amazing person ever :0).

More good music was played, too. It's unusual for that to happen because most of the time it's old country or old rock. Not that I am entirely against either of those types- it's just nice to hear something I really dig every once in a while.

One of the other regulars noticed that I dyed my hair. Heh. Love that.

The BEST part of the night, hands down, was when when two very familiar and deemed long-lost faces came waltzing in the door.

The old bartender and her husband. Awesome!! It was so great to see them.

We met in the middle of the bar and exchanged some hugs, how ya been's, and random chit chat.

Seeing them again was really just one reason I love this town. It's small- but there are some great people here. Granted, a great deal of the ::cough::adults::cough:: in this town are morons, but you get that in ANY city.

I guess what my ramblings this evening are all about is this:

Tonight was fun. Very fun.

Thanks Ayla (even though you don't have the internet).

See ya next Thursday!!

(PS- I seriously apologize for saying the same words over and over and over again... it's 1am, I just got home, and I am a bit tired 'n whatnot. Cheers!)

Sorry, I don't have anything great to write about tonight.

The day was nice. Beautiful outside, and I actually spent the majority of it with my husband and son.

Bliss.

Now- I'm sleepy. It's only 8:30.

Figures.