Seeing as it's been a week since I have posted last, I feel it's only appropriate to post what I am thankful for...
1. Talking with long lost friends!! I love you Martha!
2. Having a wonderful boyfriend, he brought his xbox downstairs so he could sit right next to me because my internet doesn't work upstairs. :)
3. Sunshine.
4. Vince. He is by far the most amazing creature I have ever known. Such a good dog. Thanks for loving me back boy.
5. And Jubs, always good for a laugh, because he's not really a dog, he's a dust mop.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Thankful Thursday
Inspired by the beautiful Taryn herself-
I am thankful for:
1. Those who understand me (or try).
2. Living ten minutes from the dog beach.
3. Having a wonderfully gregarious three year old.
4. Sunshine.
5. Our Yamaha R6.
6. My job interview tomorrow at 3pm!!!
I am thankful for:
1. Those who understand me (or try).
2. Living ten minutes from the dog beach.
3. Having a wonderfully gregarious three year old.
4. Sunshine.
5. Our Yamaha R6.
6. My job interview tomorrow at 3pm!!!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Useless
Man, being jobless totally blows. No joke- it sucks.
At first, it's like, "Hey! Cool! Sleep in, throw some applications around, do some resume refining..." so on and so forth. Well, I have done all that. I kid you not in combination of online applying (which is worthless), running into places, or thankfully have references I have applied to almost FORTY places. FORTY!! All claiming to be NOW HIRING.
Their signs or ads should read, "We REALLY need someone, but it'll be about three weeks before we get around to calling you, so APPLY TODAY!"
Jerks.
::sigh:: Alright, it's really not that bad. I just get frustrated. As I am sure you can understand. Let's just cross our fingers and hope something comes up, fast.... please.....
At first, it's like, "Hey! Cool! Sleep in, throw some applications around, do some resume refining..." so on and so forth. Well, I have done all that. I kid you not in combination of online applying (which is worthless), running into places, or thankfully have references I have applied to almost FORTY places. FORTY!! All claiming to be NOW HIRING.
Their signs or ads should read, "We REALLY need someone, but it'll be about three weeks before we get around to calling you, so APPLY TODAY!"
Jerks.
::sigh:: Alright, it's really not that bad. I just get frustrated. As I am sure you can understand. Let's just cross our fingers and hope something comes up, fast.... please.....
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
I must admit...
...I'm proud of you, for whatever reason. I have an idea of how you feel about me, but yet I have always loved you. If you dislike (or don't respect) me- so be it. Even so, you may believe this is something for attention, but know- you ARE amazing. You ARE beautiful.... and I think it's super effing awesome you did the Naked Bike Ride last weekend. Mad props.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
The Place
Matt and I have found a place to live! OMG what?
Anyway, we were in a flurry because it was almost impossible to find a place that's not an apartment... let alone a place without a deposit and doesn't care about dogs.
Well, fortune smiled upon us! Of course- it always does. A couple of folks I knew from Disney had a master room open up and guess what, they are all for the dogs and don't need a deposit!! Woohoo.
When we first saw the place it was VERY dirty! The shower alone was really gross and the kitchen was in shambles. We both knew it was our best option and really had no other choice (unless we wanted to stay in an RV, which wasn't awful by any means but certainly not something easy to maneuver around in with two puppies.). I know myself- and I know Matt- so we decided to take it.
We moved our stuff in yesterday and Monday. It's still in a pile in the middle of the room, but it's a start.
Last night, one of the roommates that was out of town when we saw the place, cleaned the kitchen. It's a million times better!! Our bathroom was also sorta cleaned. Hehe. I took a vacuum to EVERY crevice I could find and I still have some more to do but I am unmotivated right now. I have even scrubbed the bathroom floor and have plans of my own for the shower. I want this place clean enough for Trev to come and visit. I know it will be. The guys like it clean, they just need someone to start the process and then they help it move along (so I have noticed).
In other news Matt's out of town until Sunday. He's going to miss Trevor's birthday party which sucks, but he'll get to go to his little brother's party instead. Happy birthday Glenn(jamin)!
This will be our first time apart since we've been together (I know, I know wah-wah-boo-hoo-get-over-it), and I miss him like crazy already. We're magnets for each other. I haven't been as drawn to someone, not blood related, as I am him.
Hopefully I can clear my head enough to get some work done. I am hoping one of my friends will want to hang out or something (but they'll have to come to me, I have no gas money until Friday hehe).
As far as job hunting goes- it sucks. 90% of the places make me apply online. My resume isn't anything fancy. It's me that gets the jobs, not words on a screen or paper. I know that everything will work out as it should. I have a job opportunity (thankyou Brandon) in Corona but it's FORTY miles away from here. I literally just CAN'T do it.
I'm actually hoping for Disney again. I loved that job except for all the BS from management and the other people working there. I have grown up a great deal since I have worked there *gasp, really?* and I think things will work out. Plus I am in the best shape I have been in thanks to my winter extravaganzas.
Trevor's birthday is on the 16th!! He is going to be THREE! I am so proud of the little boy Trevor is. He is brilliant, and full of love. He is always forgiving. His memory is spectacular. He never wants me to leave so I know he still loves me no matter what. We'll work something out where I can have him over more, or see him more- just me and him. I know things in Alaska didn't work out for a reason. That reason? Trevor. Or at least that's what I think the reason is. It makes sense, but we can't really tell can we?
Gosh, life is amazing. Embrace it. Grow. Learn. Live. Love. Respect. Treasure. Most of all though? Be Happy.
Anyway, we were in a flurry because it was almost impossible to find a place that's not an apartment... let alone a place without a deposit and doesn't care about dogs.
Well, fortune smiled upon us! Of course- it always does. A couple of folks I knew from Disney had a master room open up and guess what, they are all for the dogs and don't need a deposit!! Woohoo.
When we first saw the place it was VERY dirty! The shower alone was really gross and the kitchen was in shambles. We both knew it was our best option and really had no other choice (unless we wanted to stay in an RV, which wasn't awful by any means but certainly not something easy to maneuver around in with two puppies.). I know myself- and I know Matt- so we decided to take it.
We moved our stuff in yesterday and Monday. It's still in a pile in the middle of the room, but it's a start.
Last night, one of the roommates that was out of town when we saw the place, cleaned the kitchen. It's a million times better!! Our bathroom was also sorta cleaned. Hehe. I took a vacuum to EVERY crevice I could find and I still have some more to do but I am unmotivated right now. I have even scrubbed the bathroom floor and have plans of my own for the shower. I want this place clean enough for Trev to come and visit. I know it will be. The guys like it clean, they just need someone to start the process and then they help it move along (so I have noticed).
In other news Matt's out of town until Sunday. He's going to miss Trevor's birthday party which sucks, but he'll get to go to his little brother's party instead. Happy birthday Glenn(jamin)!
This will be our first time apart since we've been together (I know, I know wah-wah-boo-hoo-get-over-it), and I miss him like crazy already. We're magnets for each other. I haven't been as drawn to someone, not blood related, as I am him.
Hopefully I can clear my head enough to get some work done. I am hoping one of my friends will want to hang out or something (but they'll have to come to me, I have no gas money until Friday hehe).
As far as job hunting goes- it sucks. 90% of the places make me apply online. My resume isn't anything fancy. It's me that gets the jobs, not words on a screen or paper. I know that everything will work out as it should. I have a job opportunity (thankyou Brandon) in Corona but it's FORTY miles away from here. I literally just CAN'T do it.
I'm actually hoping for Disney again. I loved that job except for all the BS from management and the other people working there. I have grown up a great deal since I have worked there *gasp, really?* and I think things will work out. Plus I am in the best shape I have been in thanks to my winter extravaganzas.
Trevor's birthday is on the 16th!! He is going to be THREE! I am so proud of the little boy Trevor is. He is brilliant, and full of love. He is always forgiving. His memory is spectacular. He never wants me to leave so I know he still loves me no matter what. We'll work something out where I can have him over more, or see him more- just me and him. I know things in Alaska didn't work out for a reason. That reason? Trevor. Or at least that's what I think the reason is. It makes sense, but we can't really tell can we?
Gosh, life is amazing. Embrace it. Grow. Learn. Live. Love. Respect. Treasure. Most of all though? Be Happy.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Alright.
I won't be so vague :).
------
As life changes we often find ourselves at crossroads we never imagined we'd face. When you're walking down the aisle to a pretty (or in my case, funky) song and all the planning has finally come to life, the last thing on your mind is, "I might not be with this person forever." That thought usually comes into fruition once you've lived with the person a few years, and even though you love them- it's just not meant to be.
Everyday is a battle in your heart and mind, but mostly- your soul.
Everyday you lie. Everyday. To yourself, to your partner, to your friends. To.... everything. Your thoughts deceive you. Your image in the mirror scowls at you for being a fool. Your heart cries. Your mind analyzes ways to get out. Your soul? Wanders.
The time between sleep and wake, laying next to another living being potentially oblivious to your predicament, is used for escape. Dreaming of far away lands, past and future excitement.... anything that could possibly make you smile. When you roll over and put your body against the other's.... it is hot, but cold. Nothing but a void.
What happened? Were you too blind in the beginning? Perhaps, but it's too late for that now.
As you toss and turn thoughts in your mind, a turbulence of pain and loss, sacrifice and regret smack you in the heart repeatedly.
Therapy? Divorce? Years of attempting to influence your soul when you know very well it's more stubborn than your physical form...? You can't talk about it to anyone. You don't want to be a fool, or wrong, or hear "I told you so."
Especially from your dad.
He did tell you so.
It's not like your partner is a jack-ass.... no... that would make this all easier. It would be easy to walk away from a deadbeat. It would be easier to accept you're not in love with them anymore.
Not for you.
As each day gets exceptionally longer and harder, you fight within yourself to remain positive and not hurt the ones you love, especially your child- you owe it to them to be responsible. You are responsible and mature.
Then why do you feel so little? Why do you feel so estranged and gullible? Why do you feel lost?
Why do you feel like it was easier being sixteen?
Because it was.
Faced with agony everyday, faced with evils you never thought existed in your mind. Anger, hate, darkness hiding just under your skin waiting for a moment to strike. Then it happens and your slight hold on reality snaps. You beat something. Never, ever your child! But you beat something, alive, until your eyes burn from raging tears and your hands hurt from smacking energy out of a living soul.
You are broken. You are lost.
You are gone.
Days pass slowly.
With pleas for help to your partner they are left dumbfounded. They can't help you. "We'll get you help."
Your mind races, "Why can't YOU help me? Isn't that what you are supposed to do?"
Desperation colors your skin red matching your eyes and the hate for what you have become. You have become a far cry from yourself just two years ago.
You need to get out. You need to leave.
So you leave your body behind and become a zombie of sorts for a little while. Flickers of happiness allow for a moment here and there of something other than just existing as a shell. Tending to your child in a practical manner, making sure they are fed and entertained, safe and as quiet as possible.
It's hard to love at this point. It's hard to do anything but sit and stare.
Before the situation in your heart explodes a needle and thread are given to you. The rips in your being can be sewn if you just let it happen. Just let it happen.
So you do. One night, it just takes one night. You cry, a lot. You confide in someone who is practically a stranger and in return this stranger, this beautiful creature, holds you. Just, holds you.
Salvation.
Hours and hours pass and the sun begins to rise. With a smile, a real smile, you wipe your face and cheeks of tears and thank this angel. Your guardian, the one who has saved you in one act of kindness.
An act of kindness is not all this one has to offer.
Your confidence rebuilds and you can once again feel like your soul is connected to your physical form. You are not just cells and water.
You are you.
What now?
The reality sets in that you are not in the right place. You are not in alignment. The guardian insists on helping you heal- and you are happy alowing them to walk alongside you. The guardian holds your hand when you are scared to face pain and heal it. The guardian never leaves you wondering if you're doing the right thing.
You are doing the right thing by letting this angel, this guardian, into your life and soul. Into your heart- into your love.
And into love you fall. Not blindly. Not easily. You just keep falling, and this savior is always there to look into your eyes and reciprocate your true love. The one who could. The one who did. The one who is.
The one you are meant to be with.
------
As life changes we often find ourselves at crossroads we never imagined we'd face. When you're walking down the aisle to a pretty (or in my case, funky) song and all the planning has finally come to life, the last thing on your mind is, "I might not be with this person forever." That thought usually comes into fruition once you've lived with the person a few years, and even though you love them- it's just not meant to be.
Everyday is a battle in your heart and mind, but mostly- your soul.
Everyday you lie. Everyday. To yourself, to your partner, to your friends. To.... everything. Your thoughts deceive you. Your image in the mirror scowls at you for being a fool. Your heart cries. Your mind analyzes ways to get out. Your soul? Wanders.
The time between sleep and wake, laying next to another living being potentially oblivious to your predicament, is used for escape. Dreaming of far away lands, past and future excitement.... anything that could possibly make you smile. When you roll over and put your body against the other's.... it is hot, but cold. Nothing but a void.
What happened? Were you too blind in the beginning? Perhaps, but it's too late for that now.
As you toss and turn thoughts in your mind, a turbulence of pain and loss, sacrifice and regret smack you in the heart repeatedly.
Therapy? Divorce? Years of attempting to influence your soul when you know very well it's more stubborn than your physical form...? You can't talk about it to anyone. You don't want to be a fool, or wrong, or hear "I told you so."
Especially from your dad.
He did tell you so.
It's not like your partner is a jack-ass.... no... that would make this all easier. It would be easy to walk away from a deadbeat. It would be easier to accept you're not in love with them anymore.
Not for you.
As each day gets exceptionally longer and harder, you fight within yourself to remain positive and not hurt the ones you love, especially your child- you owe it to them to be responsible. You are responsible and mature.
Then why do you feel so little? Why do you feel so estranged and gullible? Why do you feel lost?
Why do you feel like it was easier being sixteen?
Because it was.
Faced with agony everyday, faced with evils you never thought existed in your mind. Anger, hate, darkness hiding just under your skin waiting for a moment to strike. Then it happens and your slight hold on reality snaps. You beat something. Never, ever your child! But you beat something, alive, until your eyes burn from raging tears and your hands hurt from smacking energy out of a living soul.
You are broken. You are lost.
You are gone.
Days pass slowly.
With pleas for help to your partner they are left dumbfounded. They can't help you. "We'll get you help."
Your mind races, "Why can't YOU help me? Isn't that what you are supposed to do?"
Desperation colors your skin red matching your eyes and the hate for what you have become. You have become a far cry from yourself just two years ago.
You need to get out. You need to leave.
So you leave your body behind and become a zombie of sorts for a little while. Flickers of happiness allow for a moment here and there of something other than just existing as a shell. Tending to your child in a practical manner, making sure they are fed and entertained, safe and as quiet as possible.
It's hard to love at this point. It's hard to do anything but sit and stare.
Before the situation in your heart explodes a needle and thread are given to you. The rips in your being can be sewn if you just let it happen. Just let it happen.
So you do. One night, it just takes one night. You cry, a lot. You confide in someone who is practically a stranger and in return this stranger, this beautiful creature, holds you. Just, holds you.
Salvation.
Hours and hours pass and the sun begins to rise. With a smile, a real smile, you wipe your face and cheeks of tears and thank this angel. Your guardian, the one who has saved you in one act of kindness.
An act of kindness is not all this one has to offer.
Your confidence rebuilds and you can once again feel like your soul is connected to your physical form. You are not just cells and water.
You are you.
What now?
The reality sets in that you are not in the right place. You are not in alignment. The guardian insists on helping you heal- and you are happy alowing them to walk alongside you. The guardian holds your hand when you are scared to face pain and heal it. The guardian never leaves you wondering if you're doing the right thing.
You are doing the right thing by letting this angel, this guardian, into your life and soul. Into your heart- into your love.
And into love you fall. Not blindly. Not easily. You just keep falling, and this savior is always there to look into your eyes and reciprocate your true love. The one who could. The one who did. The one who is.
The one you are meant to be with.
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