Dirty Words

Apologies for the lame entries as of late.

If it wasn't obvious, allow me to clarify: Life sucks right now.

It happens. We all go through periods, phases, stages, whatevers... You know, times in life that you feel regret and anger more than any other emotion.

Dirty days that make us say dirty things and think even more filthy.

Catch my drift?

Generally the positive vibe of my entries is meant to uplift and inspire. The last couple have been sort of like freewrites which means the negative emotional imbalances happening end up spilled to the world, and to you- my beloved readers.

Oi vey, I'm sorry about that. Thanks for stopping by you guys, I always appreciate a bit of feedback... And definitely thank you for sticking around even though most of my posts have no point whatsoever.

Oh! I almost forgot to mention that I don't have internet at home yet, and have been accessing Blogger through my phone... And why do you need to know this? Well because if I'm subscribed to your blog I can't scroll through my subscriptions on my dashboard page (It might be a flash issue or something like that).  So, I haven't been reading like I usually do. I'll catch up once reality comes back and I join the real world again.

Much love you guys,
Vi

Disturbed

Holiday commercials of cheer and love
Families hugging, laughing, eating, etc
Joyful children, games, all of it.

I had that.

No longer are the holidays a cherished time for me
More like a slowly turning knife in my heart

Every year I think the next one will be easier...
"Next Christmas will be different..."

*sigh*

I suppose the miracle will come one day... But sadness is surrounding me during this season and I can't seem to shake it.

Too many things stacking the odds.

The little things slip by barely noticed. The big things aren't big enough or miss their mark completely...

Positivity is difficult and feels utterly fruitless.

A tough time in the mind of this complicated lady... A tough time indeed.

This Is The End

Well I guess it's official, no one from my family texted or called me yesterday....and I didn't call or text my family.

To be honest I didn't call or text anyone except my son, and only said a small little blurp about being thankful on Facebook.

Things are tough. We all have our stories, and sometimes life for others is harder than yours... But... A BIG but... Sometimes it feels like you're working toward a happiness that will never exist.  The holidays have continued to be a disappointment, full of sadness, regret, and definitely (for lack of a better word) crappy.

What is going on? What is happening?

If any of you have words of wisdom, positive enthusiasm, or the like please feel free to share, hopefully it'll help.

Hope. Ha.

The other night it was pouring rain, by California terms at least, and I sat on the bus alone. Music beat in my ears as I watched the street lights glide by, putting me in a relaxed state of mind. Then, as perfect as it could be, the empty bus approached my stop and the words, "This is the end... My only friend, the end..." danced through my ear drums. Gotta love simple little coincidences. Thanks Jim, your voice can do no harm.... Well...

My life, as imagined, includes a few luxuries paired with the perfect balance of adventure and stability.

My life, as lived, includes challenging opportunities dashed with brilliant luck and good karma.

Both versions come completely stocked with chocolate, coffee, and peanut butter.

So it's good, in the most deliciously ambiguous way possible.

Strangle

Trains of thought whistle loudly through my fears
Correct the reaction
Or take better action
Be positive in any way you can

Hm about that...

See? Ok I'm breaking from that freewrite.  Sometimes they come out really cool but I'm not feeling this one anymore.

Could be the real turbulence going on right now. Do you ever feel like exactly 2.5 seconds after you get one major thing finally figured out a whole new category of chaotic destruction comes your way? Sorry for all the awkward explanations- I'm in the mood for overly descriptive long and drawn out sentences.

Where was I? Oh yes, turbulence.

It's becoming more difficult for me to turn my negative thoughts into positive ones.  Generally, it's easy.  T'is possible the reason I'm struggling is because I realized I'm a negative person. BUT I spin things around to make them as positive as possible.

Blah.

See? I don't really even care to share all this. I know in my heart everything is fine, I just need to keep calm and remember to live in the moment. 

I'm sorry there's no point to this entry.  It happens a lot here.

*shrug*

G'night!

Faces shoved into phones
Fingers blazing across tiny plastic screens
Unaware of beauty around them
Because instant gratification has them hooked


What is this world we live in coming to
Blind to the resources of nature and growth

Oh society, as I see it, sitting in a Starbucks for free wifi