"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...."

(The views and story expressed in this blog are from me, from my heart, and as honest of a recollection I can make. I do not intend to blame, shame, upset, irritate, or otherwise. It is what is it, and it was my weekend.)


What they say is true, you never really know...

The future, that is, is completely unpredictable and anything, ANYTHING, can happen... anytime.

This trip to California was one for the record books. Not that all my California trips aren't memorable, but this one... this one... phew.

E and I headed down Christmas morning. The drive was really nice.
We picked up Trevor! :D Seeing his happy little face feels like everything wonderful in this world.

He opened my presents at the Laguna house and then showed us all his break dancing moves. This kid is classic! He does "kick flips" where he somersaults, but while his legs are in the air he thrashes them about as fast as he can. It's seriously the most adorable thing ever. I have video to prove it.

He wasn't terribly thrilled with getting socks and underwear for Christmas, but hey- technically those were from Vince and Jubs ;). Oh- but you know what? When he put a new pair of socks on (the next day) he said to me, "Mommy, my new socks are SO COOL!" I snickered and told him I'd be sure to thank the puppies for him.

He is the greatest.

Christmas night I said, "You know what tomorrow is, Trevor?"

"No... what?"

"It's Mommy's birthday!"

"Really? The day after today, tomorrow, after tonight, is your birthday?"

"Yep!"

"I'm going to tell you Happy Birthday!"

Thanks kid. He did that too. A lot. In fact, the first thing he did when he woke up was come over to me and tell me happy birthday. He gave me one of those "I love you so much" looks and gently caressed the side of my face with his hand. He always does that. He plays with my hair too. He said Happy Birthday over 40 times to me, and after each one he said he loves me and followed it with a GIANT hug. He made sure to clarify, "I also like you Mommy."

Oh jeeze. I am surprised my heart was able to solidify after all the melting it did this trip.

We talked about toys, friends, school, what he has learned, what he likes to do, about snow, about Christmas, about my friends, about Matt... you name it. Trev can talk! He gets that from me. Actually, he has a lot of my traits (duh, right? He is my kid...). He loves to sing (everything, even metal :D), and he absolutely LOVES to dance!



All of his kick flips and break dancing gave me the idea to put him in gymnastics, and karate. I really believe he would like it- and if he didn't, we could find something else for him to do. Trev liked being the center of attention (oh, no- he didn't get that from me hehe), and wasn't shy AT ALL!

I couldn't believe it. I am such a proud momma. He must be doing really well in school and I am glad to see he has opened up.

Maria did my hair and make up for the day (I like being pampered), and Trevor kept complimenting me. "Your hair is so pretty Mommy.... I like your make up.... Maria did a good job, Mommy." This kid has such a great heart. He truly enjoys making people smile. He was so nice and complimentary to every one- even the animals ;).

Then we headed to the Inland Empire (sat in traffic *barf*) to see some good friends. One of which with a new baby (new- 2 months old). It was a breath of fresh air, though not literally seeing as it's southern California, to get out and about with Trevor. We had so much fun.

Another face I got to see was a one I haven't seen in years. The writer, the reflector, the man who went from desperation to inspiration. I must say- though he is going through something hard in his life right now he looks good. He is trying to stay positive, and I am proud of him!

He played Legos with Trevor, and we watched Despicable Me. Later in the evening we ordered pizza, and hung out with the lady of the house. Trev really liked her. He sat in her lap for an hour or so. I was a tad jealous ;) but I got to cuddle ALL NIGHT with him hehehe.

It was a very pleasant reunion.

All in all t'was an absolutely delightful birthday. I know I say it a lot, but I guess you never can really say it enough- I am so thankful!!!

That night Trevor asked if he could sleep in bed with me, because he said, "I'm your best birthday present." How can I say no? We cuddled :) and after he fell asleep he moved around A TON! Haha. In the morning, I woke up just before he did. He rolled over and looked at me, smacked his lips and smiled. I threw the blanket over our heads and he giggled in one of those truly happy ways. He wouldn't stop smiling. He gently rubbed my cheek and hair, while we talked about our dreams and what we should do for the day. He said he loves my hair and how soft it is ("softer than styrofoam" as he put it). I asked him if he likes his hair short or long and he said he likes it short. I complimented him on how amazing he is and he just smiled and hugged me. *tear*

Monday, we hung out with Maria and the fishes (two female dogs, she calls them her bitches, but around kids they become fishes). P and McC made an appearance (and although we didn't get to see beautiful lil Ada, it was great to see my friends).

Then... then it was time.

Time to take Trevor back home. I had been telling him all weekend, "When the sun starts going down on Monday, I have to take you home."

We stopped at Uncle B's and picked him up. I didn't want to make the long drive back by myself. T and my time together just wasn't long enough. For either of us. When I first picked up T up on Saturday he asked me, "Are we going to your house, Mommy?" He had a big smile on his face (as usual) and sounded pretty excited.

I said, "No honey, we're not."

"Well, why Mommy?" (furrowed brow)

"Daddy said no."

After this exhange he looked kinda sad, but I changed the subject and told him we were headed to my good friends' house and that they have silly puppies and a great big snake. His face returned to it's smiling state and he started asking questions about the animals.

Anyhoo- after picking up Uncle B and singing songs about how much we love each other, and rhyming about dinosaurs we reached our destination.

Trevor wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. But it is what it is.
We walked to the door and Trevor asked his Daddy if I could go see his room and his Sponge Bob tent.
That answer was no. Surprised? Me either.
That's what set Trevor off. After that he realized that I was going home, and he was staying there.
He latched on to me. He didn't want to let go.
I didn't want to let go.
I wasn't going to let go.
Trevor's cries and death grip were piercing my heart and soul like fire and ice.
I didn't know what to do. I wanted to keep holding onto him.
I never want to let go, and I never ever will.
Two days just isn't enough time.
With all my strength I held back screams. I held back anger and hate.
The cold in the air wasn't caused by the weather.

Finally, we were torn apart.

The door closed and I walked, if you can call it that, away.
High pressure systems and low pressure systems crashing against every bone. Physical pain enveloped my body and I was stricken to the ground.

I didn't know how to feel, what to feel, what to think, or anything. All I could do was cry. I cried very very hard. The gut wrenching, breath stealing, sobs that leave you shaking in shambles once they subside. I thought about making B drive so I could sulk in the passenger seat....

But, that's not me. Though I lose my ground from time to time I am strong. I know that our shared pain will never be forgotten. And its existence will enhance our bond after time. We have something so incredible that no time, space, people, or place can take that away from us.

Pain makes us cloudy. It is our self, and only our self, that can clear our mind and soul. Patience, strength, love, and positivity are the virtues I hold most dear. I have faith, as well. Faith in myself, faith in Trevor, faith in the power of our connection.

After going back to B's house and receiving some tools to help focus and strengthen myself, I generously thanked him. He is a very very great friend. Family, I should say.

I wasn't ready to go back to M's so I tooled over to the Laguna house to spend some time with the guys. D, G, and E. We all sat by the fire while I told stories of my weekend with Trevor and how much fun we had. We ate chocolate and enjoyed each others company.

E and G- you two are my brothers. I know it! I felt so much better after spending some time with you guys. Thanks D, Dad, for everything. G was such a gentleman, and when I burst into tears all he did was take me in his arms and hug me. Just what I needed. Thanks G. You're an amazing little (big) brother.

It was about 12:40am when I decided I was in better form, and could drive back to M's. I fumbled around in the car a bit getting my phone's GPS set up and whatnot... and when I finally pulled out I flicked on the radio. The song that was just starting was one that Matt plays and sings for me :). It made me smile. I turned it up and sang along. Then, as I drove up and over the hill leading toward the freeway- there it was.... the moon. Looking bright and beautiful. A perfect half moon, like a giant smile, delicately layered with a few thin orange clouds.

I laughed, almost hysterically. What a cap to the over flowing emotions in my day. I wiped a few tears away from my eyes and with a giant smile pasted on my face I pulled over and called Matt. It was something larger, something more powerful, telling me things are OK. Keep my mind frame, keep my chin up, stay positive and pulled together (grounded, if you will)- and everything will be as it should.

I sang out loud the whole way back to M's. I fell asleep relatively fast, woke up feeling rested and ready to go home.

Though the drive through CA up the 15 was smothered in traffic, making us stop-and-go for about TWO hours... we made it home safe and sound. And happy.

Our separation was a treacherous and difficult one, but I know things will work out as they should and that I have done, and am doing my very best. I know in my heart things won't be this way forever, and I must be patient and positive.

I love you, Trevor. I will see you again soon.

Ah.

The time is here!

Christmas is happening in four phases this year for us.

Phase 1: Mom's in the morning, today.

Phase 2: Christmas Eve with apartment 149 :)

Phase 3: Christmas Day- drive to CA to pick up Trevor!

Phase 4: Birthday Sunday Funday with me and T!!

We are truly blessed, and forever thankful for the kindness and generosity of the folks in our lives. Family and friends, you are amazing!

Amidst these sentences I am darting around the room/bathroom making sure I have everything packed and ready for my trip tomorrow. Should I wash this? Nah... I won't even need it. Oh, did I get this? Yep- packed in my black bag. I wonder if Trev would like this? Yep, put it in the backpack.

That sort of thing.

Merry Christmas Eve everyone who celebrates Christmas- and Happy Holidays to all others. There is a warm feeling in the air, and I think this year will be one to remember.

Of no point or consequence

It's been a while since I've sat down to clickity clack away. :)

Life is good.

I'm battling a cold, that really only took me out of commission for a few hours, but has been sticking around for a few days. I've been up on the mountain, and down in the valley. I've been to a Christmas party, and have written a few letters. Budgeted, organized, planned, and processed. Not a bad week.

This is a random thought blog entry.

Facebook is fascinating, isn't it? I don't play any Farmville games or anything like that (though I used to). I have used it to reconnect. Granted- it's through comments and pictures, messages, and whatnots, but I still connect with them. There are so many wonderful people out there! I don't spend hours scouring facebook for things to do, or pictures to comment on. A little here, a little there. I have pretty much deleted or ignored anyone who stirs up drama, or puts others down. Just not my cup of tea. Though I don't agree that FB should default everything to public, once you change all your settings and filter your friends, it's a great social network. Could be why there's a quawbillion (technical term) users. Regardless, I enjoy it. "Liking" things can get a bit out of hand, but why not. I dig the fact there's no dislike button. Just a little push into positive thinking... at least that's how I see it.

Well, it's probably time to get to work. I have a good job, so I should probably start doing something useful ::chuckle::.

Cheers,
Vi

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

...The title to this blog- more or less a "moral-of-the-story" type of statement, has been running through my head for the past few days.





I can pinpoint a few occasions that made me feel that way, but because they aren't terribly entertaining, I won't address them here. Not that I ever claimed this blog is supposed to be "entertaining".



I spent my first real day on the mountain today. Went way up top, skied all the way down. Rinse, and repeat. To say the least my legs and feet are SO SORE but my heart and soul are on the mend. The mountain is a true therapeutic place for me. Letting me open up my heart and soul to the sky and zoom down with a giant smile on my face. It was nice to smile for real today.



The smile I was wearing the last few weeks has been feeble, and relatively fake. The massive heartbreak I have going on right now is trying to kill me... but thankfully I have a portable defibrillator and a reliable (metaphorical) heart surgeon.

I keep going back and forth on how I feel about the holiday season. I love it. I hate it. I love it. I hate it. I love it for all the right reasons: Giving, family, parties, decorations, trees, lights, snow... I hate it for all the right reasons: Loss, separation, stress, wishful thinking, broken dreams, lost causes...

::sigh::

I can't tell you how I plan to survive this season emotionally. Today I was so freaking happy to get on my skis, but when I loaded the lift with a hoard of mini-shredders (6-8 yr old snowboarders), all I could do was feel sad and wishful. I hear Christmas music and see mothers and daughters laughing and having a good time, and I feel sad...

A little background information for my readers who are wondering why those things would make me sad. My son is four, and lives too terribly far away from me. Due to miscommunication, pain, invalidated mistrust, and the unfortunate stubborn nature of the parties included- I don't see him as much as I should, as much as I really really really want to. *sigh* And the mothers and daughters thing can be devastatingly sad because I lost my mom. She passed away, and though I feel her in spirit- you all know it's NOT the same. Christmas was her favorite holiday.

It never fails that anywhere I live, anywhere I am in life, I miss someone. Not in that, "Oh it would be great to see so-and-so" way... but the "I've got a gaping hole in my heart" kind of way.

Catch my drift?

I know the world is full of beautiful things, and I am thankful for them. I am. Really. But if I happen to be a little more whiny and sad sounding it's because I am fighting a big demon.

I'll keep you posted on my progress. You all know that.

Thanks for stopping by. Until next time,
Vi

NERD ALERT!

When I play video games, I really play the game. It's hard for me to find one that suits my needs, and doesn't end up frustrating me to high heaven. Point: I am VERY picky about what I play.

Everything else I can "play" for a little while and then get up and do other things, but unfortunately there are a few games the SUCK me in. God of War (the whole series) is amazing. Ratchet and Clank (haven't played the PSP versions) are so much fun.

Right now, I'm playing Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance, for original Xbox. Graphics are great for the time, and it's a good game all around.

It's 12:44pm, on Sunday, I'm wandering around the dungeon of Bloodmire Manor, just on the edge of Baldur's Gate. I open a door and walk through it to find a room no larger than a cell, with a treasure chest in it. I open it to reveal gold. I walk out of the room and toward the next door. I open it when prompted, then stepped into darkness. My entire view when dark, I couldn't see my character, but I could still clearly see the map. I started walking around wondering what I've stumbled upon. Can't do magic. Can't do anything... but walk around. As I am making these observations the creepy background noises start seeping into my environment. ::shutters:: Drip..... drip.... aaaaooooohhhhhh (very very quiet)....drip.... very quiet clank..... with creepy notes and stuff.

The sound effects in this level are amazing.

I'm going to restart from my last load point now, before I really creep myself out....

Just thought I'd share.

Tomorrow is Saturday.

As obvious as that title is, I had to say it any way.

A few things: Chris makes the most delicious, and fattening mashed potatoes.

Celeste has officially sewn together a few hens' butts.

Matt is really adorable when he gets frustrated.

Jubs smells.

Vince curls up into a teeny tiny little ball to go to sleep, and rests his nose right in his butt, under the base of his tail. I can't say I get it. But I can say it's probably cold in this room.

It's been a good day.

My humor is often relatively dry and finds itself lost on people. It's a gurseift (pronounced gers-ift). Or, if you don't follow the word smash, it's a rare gift and also a curse. I can be offensive.

OK, I am offensive, but only slightly. Mostly I mean well... OKOK lies, I always mean well. I just have the unfortunate knack of stating the dry. Thanks Dad. I blame you.

Dad and I walk into a restaurant for lunch (long, long ago). Hostess leans over the podium and in a far-too-cheerful voice says, "Hello sir! How many?"

He doesn't move, aside from a genuine smile.

Calm as a molasses lake in winter time he says, "27."

She looks at me- somewhat exasperated. I say. "27, and they'll be here in about twenty minutes. How long will the wait be?"

It was just the two of us. Ah, good times.

Maybe this scene really did happen, maybe it didn't. It might have been a dream. My dreams are always really strange. Do you realize your dreaming, then take over to accomplish a goal? It's pretty crazy. The stuff I do in my dreams is the stuff I pretend to do all day when I'm awake (like kung-fu, swordplay, swimming, saving the world, that kind of stuff). I've never flown, but I have swam underwater, being able to breathe, many many many times. Oh those are my favorite.

A dear old friend (like we're 80 now or something) has been popping up in my dreams a lot. We almost died together, so I guess we're subconsciously bonded together forever. Or maybe we've been that way for generations?

You know what you got here? A genuine, no edit, write session. Hooray. I just realized that's what I was doing. It feels really nice, actually. Hopefully not too dreadfully boring for my visitors.

Honestly, I'm trying to get more people to read my writing. Is that so much to ask? You know what, it actually is. Here's the deal- I'm going to write from the heart, and if you like it read it, pass it on maybe, if you don't... suck it. I mean... that's fine by me. To each his own, and my own is a little bit like Heaven when I find the right words. Any one still with me?

I decided to put a chair under our window in the bedroom, since we moved the room around and the window is open. I like it. When I slouch on the chair (WHAT? Me? Slouching...? Well I never!) , my head sits about an inch below the sill. I can feel the cold from outside, and the warmth of the single light standing just above my head.

Matt just laughed in his sleep. Life is awesome. I am really glad I have found someone who loves life as much as I do. Who can find the best in everything and everyone. Though he gets lazy about it, he means well- and he does a great job trying. We are happy together. The title of this site "Always an Adventure" is inspired by him. He's helping me stay strong through rough times, and makes me laugh and smile. He's good at making me feel beautiful, and he laughs at all my jokes (well most of them, I think only Mike W. laughs at all my jokes... thanks Mike).

I guess what I am trying to say is there is only one giant chunk of my life sliding off the cliff right now, and I have to grow some strong vines, or find some serious cement to keep it from falling off permanently. Oh, with the metaphors. I'm good at it... so I do it.

What are you good at? I'm good at looking at the clock at 11:11, or 12:34, or 10:01, or... you get the idea. I'm really good at getting phrases or words stuck in my head. I barely ever get songs in my head- it's almost always a single word like, "emancipation" or a phrase from a movie, show, friend, or just me like, "Tulio and Miguel, Miguel and Tulio! Almighty and Powerful GODS!"

Oh phew. Good movie.

I digress, yes, I digress a lot. I like the word digress. It's one that has been stuck in my head before.

Am I writing my thoughts? Ya... I'm going to stop doing that now, and do some hunting for Christmas gifts online. Oh the joys.

Thanks for tuning in,

Cheers,

Vi

Thanksgiving, 2010.

The blizzard wasn't as bad as the news folk, and "authorities" were making it out to be. It snowed, a lot, but that was about it... no treacherous high winds or power outages...

It was still beautiful. Absolutely remarkable. When it's 1o:30pm, and on a clear night it would be hard to see the ground from the third floor... the snow BRIGHTENS the environment. You can see as though it's early morning right before the sun rises. Incredible. Truly.

This place is my home, and I love it so much. I dream of buying a cute little home here with exposed brick and good natural lighting. I dream of a fenced in yard, with lots of open space. I dream of a cute kitchen with gadgets galore, and an open great room so everyone can hang out together. Someday!

I put my iPod on random, and sat back on my gaming chair. I started clicking away at the computer. Shortly I will be playing a FRUSTRATING, but unstoppable, video game waiting for my dearest to come home and share Thanksgiving Dinner with the roommates and I.

I'm going to share the first few songs that popped up on my iPod:

1. Eon Blue Apocalypse- Tool- Lateralus

2. Ensemble Ethnique-Asilah, on the Buddha Bar Series- Ten Years

3. Sacred Lie- Disturbed- Ten Thousand Fists

4. Wind it Up- Mark Pritchard & Om'mas Keith- Dubstep Collection 8

5. Egmont: Overture- Beethoven- Master of Vol. 3

6. The Lovecats- The Cure- Greatest Hits

7. I am the Walrus- Oingo Boingo- Boingo

8. Violent Pornography- System of a Down- Mezmerize

9. Club Soda- Ghostland Observatory- Robotique Majestique

...and that's the song I'm on now, so I'll leave it there.

My next list will be what I am thankful for. It is Thanksgiving after all.

As you all know this can go on and on and on, because everyday I have many things to be thankful for. I will try to keep it simple for the time being.

I am thankful for my son, Trevor. Always in my heart, and I miss you more and more every day.

I am thankful for my boyfriend, Matt. We've had two wonderful years together, and there will be plenty more to come! This relationship is IT! :D

I am thankful for really good roommates. People say it's hard to find them, but we've always been lucky. Never had a problem with roommates. These particular roommates we have now work very well. :) They are awesome!

I am thankful for my health. I am rarely sick, in pain, or uncomfortable for one reason or another. I eat very well, and once I start the exercise part I'll be stronger :)

I am thankful for a job that I like, and its paycheck... despite how much I gripe about taxes ;)

I am thankful for a strong sense of smell and even stronger sense of taste. I love food!

I am thankful for a really really good dog. He doesn't get walked far enough, played with enough, but he is always loved. He is unconditionally forgiving, and such a good good dog.

I am thankful for random messages and comments from friends I haven't spoken with in a while. It's nice to know we're still connected even though life has drawn us apart in one way or another.

I am thankful for family... even though they are far away- they are still out there, and love me. Miss you.

I am thankful for electricity, energy, renewable resources, candle, camping, movies, comfy chairs, nice sheets, clean water, fireplaces, warm socks, skiing, and love.

Most of all, I am thankful for love and the hope it gives me. I have faith in myself to stay positive and strong no matter what comes across my path.

Thanks for tuning in.

Cheers,

Virginia