Friday, May 9, 2008

Not gonna do it

I'm not going to keep trying to be your friend.
I'm not going to be the only one who cares.
I'm not going to be fake.
I give up.

I'm tired of putting on a smile and wishing.
I'm tired of pretending there's a chance you actually like me for me.
I'm tired of thinking someday it could work out.

Oh well. It's your loss.
I'm done with you.

Seems like you have been done with me, so why not?

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

I am Envy

It doesn't usually hit me in the manner it did a few minutes ago- maybe because I am feeling about 60% right now, or just that I can see myself 5 yrs from now, but...

I am envious. I am jealous.

I just read an email from one of my dearest and most wonderful friends. She travels the world to her hearts desire- has lived in places I will probably never see- and always returns glowing and ready for home.

I guess I shouldn't say that I will "never see" these places because there is a chance I will. Yet, for story (and sympathy sake) I will say "never".

Anyway- people, sites, feelings, food, scents, sounds, falling in love with other countries- it's hard to say I have never step foot on soil not governed by USA.

::sigh:: Someday, I guess I can dream. For now, I feel envy and sadness.

Envy and sadness as well as a slight tinge of thanks for the warm California sunshine, and clear air. I always look on the bright side... and it always helps when you look outside your 2nd floor sliding glass door and see white fluff balls floating around like you are in some kind of fairy tale.

At least my imagination can take me places.