Wednesday, December 29, 2010

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...."

(The views and story expressed in this blog are from me, from my heart, and as honest of a recollection I can make. I do not intend to blame, shame, upset, irritate, or otherwise. It is what is it, and it was my weekend.)

What they say is true, you never really know...

The future, that is, is completely unpredictable and anything, ANYTHING, can happen... anytime.

This trip to California was one for the record books. Not that all my California trips aren't memorable, but this one... this one... phew.

E and I headed down Christmas morning. The drive was really nice.
We picked up Trevor! :D Seeing his happy little face feels like everything wonderful in this world.

He opened my presents at the Laguna house and then showed us all his break dancing moves. This kid is classic! He does "kick flips" where he somersaults, but while his legs are in the air he thrashes them about as fast as he can. It's seriously the most adorable thing ever. I have video to prove it.

He wasn't terribly thrilled with getting socks and underwear for Christmas, but hey- technically those were from Vince and Jubs ;). Oh- but you know what? When he put a new pair of socks on (the next day) he said to me, "Mommy, my new socks are SO COOL!" I snickered and told him I'd be sure to thank the puppies for him.

He is the greatest.

Christmas night I said, "You know what tomorrow is, Trevor?"

"No... what?"

"It's Mommy's birthday!"

"Really? The day after today, tomorrow, after tonight, is your birthday?"


"I'm going to tell you Happy Birthday!"

Thanks kid. He did that too. A lot. In fact, the first thing he did when he woke up was come over to me and tell me happy birthday. He gave me one of those "I love you so much" looks and gently caressed the side of my face with his hand. He always does that. He plays with my hair too. He said Happy Birthday over 40 times to me, and after each one he said he loves me and followed it with a GIANT hug. He made sure to clarify, "I also like you Mommy."

Oh jeeze. I am surprised my heart was able to solidify after all the melting it did this trip.

We talked about toys, friends, school, what he has learned, what he likes to do, about snow, about Christmas, about my friends, about Matt... you name it. Trev can talk! He gets that from me. Actually, he has a lot of my traits (duh, right? He is my kid...). He loves to sing (everything, even metal :D), and he absolutely LOVES to dance!

All of his kick flips and break dancing gave me the idea to put him in gymnastics, and karate. I really believe he would like it- and if he didn't, we could find something else for him to do. Trev liked being the center of attention (oh, no- he didn't get that from me hehe), and wasn't shy AT ALL!

I couldn't believe it. I am such a proud momma. He must be doing really well in school and I am glad to see he has opened up.

Maria did my hair and make up for the day (I like being pampered), and Trevor kept complimenting me. "Your hair is so pretty Mommy.... I like your make up.... Maria did a good job, Mommy." This kid has such a great heart. He truly enjoys making people smile. He was so nice and complimentary to every one- even the animals ;).

Then we headed to the Inland Empire (sat in traffic *barf*) to see some good friends. One of which with a new baby (new- 2 months old). It was a breath of fresh air, though not literally seeing as it's southern California, to get out and about with Trevor. We had so much fun.

Another face I got to see was a one I haven't seen in years. The writer, the reflector, the man who went from desperation to inspiration. I must say- though he is going through something hard in his life right now he looks good. He is trying to stay positive, and I am proud of him!

He played Legos with Trevor, and we watched Despicable Me. Later in the evening we ordered pizza, and hung out with the lady of the house. Trev really liked her. He sat in her lap for an hour or so. I was a tad jealous ;) but I got to cuddle ALL NIGHT with him hehehe.

It was a very pleasant reunion.

All in all t'was an absolutely delightful birthday. I know I say it a lot, but I guess you never can really say it enough- I am so thankful!!!

That night Trevor asked if he could sleep in bed with me, because he said, "I'm your best birthday present." How can I say no? We cuddled :) and after he fell asleep he moved around A TON! Haha. In the morning, I woke up just before he did. He rolled over and looked at me, smacked his lips and smiled. I threw the blanket over our heads and he giggled in one of those truly happy ways. He wouldn't stop smiling. He gently rubbed my cheek and hair, while we talked about our dreams and what we should do for the day. He said he loves my hair and how soft it is ("softer than styrofoam" as he put it). I asked him if he likes his hair short or long and he said he likes it short. I complimented him on how amazing he is and he just smiled and hugged me. *tear*

Monday, we hung out with Maria and the fishes (two female dogs, she calls them her bitches, but around kids they become fishes). P and McC made an appearance (and although we didn't get to see beautiful lil Ada, it was great to see my friends).

Then... then it was time.

Time to take Trevor back home. I had been telling him all weekend, "When the sun starts going down on Monday, I have to take you home."

We stopped at Uncle B's and picked him up. I didn't want to make the long drive back by myself. T and my time together just wasn't long enough. For either of us. When I first picked up T up on Saturday he asked me, "Are we going to your house, Mommy?" He had a big smile on his face (as usual) and sounded pretty excited.

I said, "No honey, we're not."

"Well, why Mommy?" (furrowed brow)

"Daddy said no."

After this exhange he looked kinda sad, but I changed the subject and told him we were headed to my good friends' house and that they have silly puppies and a great big snake. His face returned to it's smiling state and he started asking questions about the animals.

Anyhoo- after picking up Uncle B and singing songs about how much we love each other, and rhyming about dinosaurs we reached our destination.

Trevor wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. But it is what it is.
We walked to the door and Trevor asked his Daddy if I could go see his room and his Sponge Bob tent.
That answer was no. Surprised? Me either.
That's what set Trevor off. After that he realized that I was going home, and he was staying there.
He latched on to me. He didn't want to let go.
I didn't want to let go.
I wasn't going to let go.
Trevor's cries and death grip were piercing my heart and soul like fire and ice.
I didn't know what to do. I wanted to keep holding onto him.
I never want to let go, and I never ever will.
Two days just isn't enough time.
With all my strength I held back screams. I held back anger and hate.
The cold in the air wasn't caused by the weather.

Finally, we were torn apart.

The door closed and I walked, if you can call it that, away.
High pressure systems and low pressure systems crashing against every bone. Physical pain enveloped my body and I was stricken to the ground.

I didn't know how to feel, what to feel, what to think, or anything. All I could do was cry. I cried very very hard. The gut wrenching, breath stealing, sobs that leave you shaking in shambles once they subside. I thought about making B drive so I could sulk in the passenger seat....

But, that's not me. Though I lose my ground from time to time I am strong. I know that our shared pain will never be forgotten. And its existence will enhance our bond after time. We have something so incredible that no time, space, people, or place can take that away from us.

Pain makes us cloudy. It is our self, and only our self, that can clear our mind and soul. Patience, strength, love, and positivity are the virtues I hold most dear. I have faith, as well. Faith in myself, faith in Trevor, faith in the power of our connection.

After going back to B's house and receiving some tools to help focus and strengthen myself, I generously thanked him. He is a very very great friend. Family, I should say.

I wasn't ready to go back to M's so I tooled over to the Laguna house to spend some time with the guys. D, G, and E. We all sat by the fire while I told stories of my weekend with Trevor and how much fun we had. We ate chocolate and enjoyed each others company.

E and G- you two are my brothers. I know it! I felt so much better after spending some time with you guys. Thanks D, Dad, for everything. G was such a gentleman, and when I burst into tears all he did was take me in his arms and hug me. Just what I needed. Thanks G. You're an amazing little (big) brother.

It was about 12:40am when I decided I was in better form, and could drive back to M's. I fumbled around in the car a bit getting my phone's GPS set up and whatnot... and when I finally pulled out I flicked on the radio. The song that was just starting was one that Matt plays and sings for me :). It made me smile. I turned it up and sang along. Then, as I drove up and over the hill leading toward the freeway- there it was.... the moon. Looking bright and beautiful. A perfect half moon, like a giant smile, delicately layered with a few thin orange clouds.

I laughed, almost hysterically. What a cap to the over flowing emotions in my day. I wiped a few tears away from my eyes and with a giant smile pasted on my face I pulled over and called Matt. It was something larger, something more powerful, telling me things are OK. Keep my mind frame, keep my chin up, stay positive and pulled together (grounded, if you will)- and everything will be as it should.

I sang out loud the whole way back to M's. I fell asleep relatively fast, woke up feeling rested and ready to go home.

Though the drive through CA up the 15 was smothered in traffic, making us stop-and-go for about TWO hours... we made it home safe and sound. And happy.

Our separation was a treacherous and difficult one, but I know things will work out as they should and that I have done, and am doing my very best. I know in my heart things won't be this way forever, and I must be patient and positive.

I love you, Trevor. I will see you again soon.

Friday, December 24, 2010


The time is here!

Christmas is happening in four phases this year for us.
Phase 1: Mom's in the morning, today.
Phase 2: Christmas Eve with apartment 149 :)
Phase 3: Christmas Day- drive to CA to pick up Trevor!
Phase 4: Birthday Sunday Funday with me and T!!

We are truly blessed, and forever thankful for the kindness and generosity of the folks in our lives. Family and friends, you are amazing!

Amidst these sentences I am darting around the room/bathroom making sure I have everything packed and ready for my trip tomorrow. Should I wash this? Nah... I won't even need it. Oh, did I get this? Yep- packed in my black bag. I wonder if Trev would like this? Yep, put it in the backpack.

That sort of thing.

Merry Christmas Eve everyone who celebrates Christmas- and Happy Holidays to all others. There is a warm feeling in the air, and I think this year will be one to remember.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Of no point or consequence

It's been a while since I've sat down to clickity clack away. :)

Life is good.

I'm battling a cold, that really only took me out of commission for a few hours, but has been sticking around for a few days. I've been up on the mountain, and down in the valley. I've been to a Christmas party, and have written a few letters. Budgeted, organized, planned, and processed. Not a bad week.

This is a random thought blog entry.

Facebook is fascinating, isn't it? I don't play any Farmville games or anything like that (though I used to). I have used it to reconnect. Granted- it's through comments and pictures, messages, and whatnots, but I still connect with them. There are so many wonderful people out there! I don't spend hours scouring facebook for things to do, or pictures to comment on. A little here, a little there. I have pretty much deleted or ignored anyone who stirs up drama, or puts others down. Just not my cup of tea. Though I don't agree that FB should default everything to public, once you change all your settings and filter your friends, it's a great social network. Could be why there's a quawbillion (technical term) users. Regardless, I enjoy it. "Liking" things can get a bit out of hand, but why not. I dig the fact there's no dislike button. Just a little push into positive thinking... at least that's how I see it.

Well, it's probably time to get to work. I have a good job, so I should probably start doing something useful ::chuckle::.


Sunday, December 5, 2010

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

...The title to this blog- more or less a "moral-of-the-story" type of statement, has been running through my head for the past few days.

I can pinpoint a few occasions that made me feel that way, but because they aren't terribly entertaining, I won't address them here. Not that I ever claimed this blog is supposed to be "entertaining".

I spent my first real day on the mountain today. Went way up top, skied all the way down. Rinse, and repeat. To say the least my legs and feet are SO SORE but my heart and soul are on the mend. The mountain is a true therapeutic place for me. Letting me open up my heart and soul to the sky and zoom down with a giant smile on my face. It was nice to smile for real today.

The smile I was wearing the last few weeks has been feeble, and relatively fake. The massive heartbreak I have going on right now is trying to kill me... but thankfully I have a portable defibrillator and a reliable (metaphorical) heart surgeon.

I keep going back and forth on how I feel about the holiday season. I love it. I hate it. I love it. I hate it. I love it for all the right reasons: Giving, family, parties, decorations, trees, lights, snow... I hate it for all the right reasons: Loss, separation, stress, wishful thinking, broken dreams, lost causes...


I can't tell you how I plan to survive this season emotionally. Today I was so freaking happy to get on my skis, but when I loaded the lift with a hoard of mini-shredders (6-8 yr old snowboarders), all I could do was feel sad and wishful. I hear Christmas music and see mothers and daughters laughing and having a good time, and I feel sad...

A little background information for my readers who are wondering why those things would make me sad. My son is four, and lives too terribly far away from me. Due to miscommunication, pain, invalidated mistrust, and the unfortunate stubborn nature of the parties included- I don't see him as much as I should, as much as I really really really want to. *sigh* And the mothers and daughters thing can be devastatingly sad because I lost my mom. She passed away, and though I feel her in spirit- you all know it's NOT the same. Christmas was her favorite holiday.

It never fails that anywhere I live, anywhere I am in life, I miss someone. Not in that, "Oh it would be great to see so-and-so" way... but the "I've got a gaping hole in my heart" kind of way.

Catch my drift?

I know the world is full of beautiful things, and I am thankful for them. I am. Really. But if I happen to be a little more whiny and sad sounding it's because I am fighting a big demon.

I'll keep you posted on my progress. You all know that.

Thanks for stopping by. Until next time,

Sunday, November 28, 2010


When I play video games, I really play the game. It's hard for me to find one that suits my needs, and doesn't end up frustrating me to high heaven. Point: I am VERY picky about what I play.

Everything else I can "play" for a little while and then get up and do other things, but unfortunately there are a few games the SUCK me in. God of War (the whole series) is amazing. Ratchet and Clank (haven't played the PSP versions) are so much fun.

Right now, I'm playing Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance, for original Xbox. Graphics are great for the time, and it's a good game all around.

It's 12:44pm, on Sunday, I'm wandering around the dungeon of Bloodmire Manor, just on the edge of Baldur's Gate. I open a door and walk through it to find a room no larger than a cell, with a treasure chest in it. I open it to reveal gold. I walk out of the room and toward the next door. I open it when prompted, then stepped into darkness. My entire view when dark, I couldn't see my character, but I could still clearly see the map. I started walking around wondering what I've stumbled upon. Can't do magic. Can't do anything... but walk around. As I am making these observations the creepy background noises start seeping into my environment. ::shutters:: Drip..... drip.... aaaaooooohhhhhh (very very quiet)....drip.... very quiet clank..... with creepy notes and stuff.

The sound effects in this level are amazing.

I'm going to restart from my last load point now, before I really creep myself out....

Just thought I'd share.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Tomorrow is Saturday.

As obvious as that title is, I had to say it any way.

A few things: Chris makes the most delicious, and fattening mashed potatoes.
Celeste has officially sewn together a few hens' butts.
Matt is really adorable when he gets frustrated.
Jubs smells.
Vince curls up into a teeny tiny little ball to go to sleep, and rests his nose right in his butt, under the base of his tail. I can't say I get it. But I can say it's probably cold in this room.
It's been a good day.

My humor is often relatively dry and finds itself lost on people. It's a gurseift (pronounced gers-ift). Or, if you don't follow the word smash, it's a rare gift and also a curse. I can be offensive.

OK, I am offensive, but only slightly. Mostly I mean well... OKOK lies, I always mean well. I just have the unfortunate knack of stating the dry. Thanks Dad. I blame you.

Dad and I walk into a restaurant for lunch (long, long ago). Hostess leans over the podium and in a far-too-cheerful voice says, "Hello sir! How many?"

He doesn't move, aside from a genuine smile.

Calm as a molasses lake in winter time he says, "27."

She looks at me- somewhat exasperated. I say. "27, and they'll be here in about twenty minutes. How long will the wait be?"

It was just the two of us. Ah, good times.

Maybe this scene really did happen, maybe it didn't. It might have been a dream. My dreams are always really strange. Do you realize your dreaming, then take over to accomplish a goal? It's pretty crazy. The stuff I do in my dreams is the stuff I pretend to do all day when I'm awake (like kung-fu, swordplay, swimming, saving the world, that kind of stuff). I've never flown, but I have swam underwater, being able to breathe, many many many times. Oh those are my favorite.

A dear old friend (like we're 80 now or something) has been popping up in my dreams a lot. We almost died together, so I guess we're subconsciously bonded together forever. Or maybe we've been that way for generations?

You know what you got here? A genuine, no edit, write session. Hooray. I just realized that's what I was doing. It feels really nice, actually. Hopefully not too dreadfully boring for my visitors.

Honestly, I'm trying to get more people to read my writing. Is that so much to ask? You know what, it actually is. Here's the deal- I'm going to write from the heart, and if you like it read it, pass it on maybe, if you don't... suck it. I mean... that's fine by me. To each his own, and my own is a little bit like Heaven when I find the right words. Any one still with me?

I decided to put a chair under our window in the bedroom, since we moved the room around and the window is open. I like it. When I slouch on the chair (WHAT? Me? Slouching...? Well I never!) , my head sits about an inch below the sill. I can feel the cold from outside, and the warmth of the single light standing just above my head.

Matt just laughed in his sleep. Life is awesome. I am really glad I have found someone who loves life as much as I do. Who can find the best in everything and everyone. Though he gets lazy about it, he means well- and he does a great job trying. We are happy together. The title of this site "Always an Adventure" is inspired by him. He's helping me stay strong through rough times, and makes me laugh and smile. He's good at making me feel beautiful, and he laughs at all my jokes (well most of them, I think only Mike W. laughs at all my jokes... thanks Mike).

I guess what I am trying to say is there is only one giant chunk of my life sliding off the cliff right now, and I have to grow some strong vines, or find some serious cement to keep it from falling off permanently. Oh, with the metaphors. I'm good at it... so I do it.

What are you good at? I'm good at looking at the clock at 11:11, or 12:34, or 10:01, or... you get the idea. I'm really good at getting phrases or words stuck in my head. I barely ever get songs in my head- it's almost always a single word like, "emancipation" or a phrase from a movie, show, friend, or just me like, "Tulio and Miguel, Miguel and Tulio! Almighty and Powerful GODS!"

Oh phew. Good movie.

I digress, yes, I digress a lot. I like the word digress. It's one that has been stuck in my head before.

Am I writing my thoughts? Ya... I'm going to stop doing that now, and do some hunting for Christmas gifts online. Oh the joys.

Thanks for tuning in,

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving, 2010.

The blizzard wasn't as bad as the news folk, and "authorities" were making it out to be. It snowed, a lot, but that was about it... no treacherous high winds or power outages...

It was still beautiful. Absolutely remarkable. When it's 1o:30pm, and on a clear night it would be hard to see the ground from the third floor... the snow BRIGHTENS the environment. You can see as though it's early morning right before the sun rises. Incredible. Truly.

This place is my home, and I love it so much. I dream of buying a cute little home here with exposed brick and good natural lighting. I dream of a fenced in yard, with lots of open space. I dream of a cute kitchen with gadgets galore, and an open great room so everyone can hang out together. Someday!

I put my iPod on random, and sat back on my gaming chair. I started clicking away at the computer. Shortly I will be playing a FRUSTRATING, but unstoppable, video game waiting for my dearest to come home and share Thanksgiving Dinner with the roommates and I.

I'm going to share the first few songs that popped up on my iPod:
1. Eon Blue Apocalypse- Tool- Lateralus
2. Ensemble Ethnique-Asilah, on the Buddha Bar Series- Ten Years
3. Sacred Lie- Disturbed- Ten Thousand Fists
4. Wind it Up- Mark Pritchard & Om'mas Keith- Dubstep Collection 8
5. Egmont: Overture- Beethoven- Master of Vol. 3
6. The Lovecats- The Cure- Greatest Hits
7. I am the Walrus- Oingo Boingo- Boingo
8. Violent Pornography- System of a Down- Mezmerize
9. Club Soda- Ghostland Observatory- Robotique Majestique

...and that's the song I'm on now, so I'll leave it there.

My next list will be what I am thankful for. It is Thanksgiving after all.

As you all know this can go on and on and on, because everyday I have many things to be thankful for. I will try to keep it simple for the time being.

I am thankful for my son, Trevor. Always in my heart, and I miss you more and more every day.

I am thankful for my boyfriend, Matt. We've had two wonderful years together, and there will be plenty more to come! This relationship is IT! :D

I am thankful for really good roommates. People say it's hard to find them, but we've always been lucky. Never had a problem with roommates. These particular roommates we have now work very well. :) They are awesome!

I am thankful for my health. I am rarely sick, in pain, or uncomfortable for one reason or another. I eat very well, and once I start the exercise part I'll be stronger :)

I am thankful for a job that I like, and its paycheck... despite how much I gripe about taxes ;)

I am thankful for a strong sense of smell and even stronger sense of taste. I love food!

I am thankful for a really really good dog. He doesn't get walked far enough, played with enough, but he is always loved. He is unconditionally forgiving, and such a good good dog.

I am thankful for random messages and comments from friends I haven't spoken with in a while. It's nice to know we're still connected even though life has drawn us apart in one way or another.

I am thankful for family... even though they are far away- they are still out there, and love me. Miss you.

I am thankful for electricity, energy, renewable resources, candle, camping, movies, comfy chairs, nice sheets, clean water, fireplaces, warm socks, skiing, and love.

Most of all, I am thankful for love and the hope it gives me. I have faith in myself to stay positive and strong no matter what comes across my path.

Thanks for tuning in.


Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Sitting here in my living room, looking out the window watching the blizzard. Literal blizzard.

This is the first one I have ever been in. It's crazy. I'm a little beside myself because I want to feel so happy and wonderful, but I really just wish I was sharing it with a small and special someone.

He loves the snow as much as I do.

::throws a metaphorical snowball at Trevor in So Cal::

TAG! You're it!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

The Mountain

Today was my first snowy day on the mountain for the season. It was amazing. But, I didn't ski- I did something far more valuable with my time...

I filled out paperwork and set up a training date for the National Ability Center. [[here'sthesite]] I'm volunteering!! I am so excited to be a part of their program, it's such a wonderful thing that they do (well, that WE do).

In other news I am still trying to keep my head up and stay strong. The Universe has a funny way of bringing us peace and I will try my best to be patient...

::raises her glass of chocolate milk:: Cheers All! Happy weekend!
(Countless moments I think of you. You are my inspiration, my strength, and one of the most amazing souls in the world. I know one day we'll be together again, for real, in the right way, but the obstacles in our path are great and many. My son, I love you. Blessed Be.)

Thursday, November 18, 2010


That's right... 300.

Not the glorious, visually-striking-movie kind of 300...

This is my 300th post.

I have so much to say, and it's a rare occasion when I don't. The gift of gab, as some would say.

My twenties have brought new adventure, knowledge, insight, and wisdom. Our lives are ALWAYS filled with challenges and decisions. I may have not made all the right choices in some folks' eyes but I made them nonetheless. This can't be, won't be, changed.

Reading old posts and reminiscing about the here and there- I've discovered a few things. I've always followed my heart. My head gets in the way sometimes and makes it harder to listen to my heart... but it is what it is.

I'm going through something huge right now and it is a pressing burden. The struggle to stay calm, understanding, forgiving, and accepting is wearing on me. My internal strength is thinning but thankfully I have a great support "team".

I don't completely understand what is going on right now, I have no idea how to go about fixing it, and thinking about the future too much makes me scared. Fear is something I don't hold on to but when it keeps coming back and coming back and coming back I begin to lose touch with my meditative, present, self.

I guess that's what it means to be human. When we pray for patience are we granted patience straight-up or given the opportunity to be patient? When we pray for answers are we given them on a platter or are we presented with the signs and chances to discover the solution? I think you know what I mean...

This challenge is mine, and considering where my life has been taking me I feel as though I need to be EXTREMELY patient, and not fight. Fighting is not the answer. Fighting never is. It always seems to make the path twistier and harder... when it seems as though we can listen, wait, and be positive. Then the better side of life is presented.

I'm rambling.... but it feels nice. Thanks for reading, my friends. I hope somewhere out there in the world my words make sense, and if they only make sense to me then so be it. I will keep doing what I do- smiling the way I smile- laughing at anything I can- dancing everyday- singing to myself- looking in the mirror and seeing a beautiful and strong woman- believing I am good- knowing I am good- knowing I try- accepting when I fail- being thankful for the breath in my lungs and the love in my life- and being me...

If you think I'm being fake, pretentious, naive, lame, or childish then perhaps it's your own mirror you need to look in? And when you do look in the mirror I want you to know that no matter what is on the outside0 you are beautiful and good. Being positive is a choice and if you want change you must make it happen inside yourself first. Life IS good, though things may have been taken away, lost, or forgotten. Be honest with yourself, and LOVE yourself... then once you get into that groove- share your love with everyone else! :)

That's my 300 cents.
Have a good day everyone... in fact, have a good few days... maybe even a good week. Keep it going.

Much love,

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

You Make Do.

What happens when your world suddenly turns on a dime?
What happens when that dime is all you have?

You make do.

Choose what you wish to believe, the power inside of me is beginning to break free and become known to the world.

I have spirit. I have strength. I have humility and forgiveness. I have acceptance, and above all I have faith in the power to stay positive. As well as faith in many other things (and people).

The path is twisted, dark, and scary at times. It's a good thing I have my lantern, my love, my dogs, and my breathing. I am walking toward a bigger and better solution that is currently out of site. I am patient, even though I can't see it, I know it is there.

I will bide my time by writing lyrics in my mind, and if I am lucky I'll get them down somewhere.

I feel a greater purpose for my life. I feel a greater strength in myself- one I never thought possible.

Steady as we go, there's no need to rush. All things will be discovered in time. I have no doubt that truth and honesty prevail. In my heart, I believe perfection is the pursuit of wholeness... and I discovered along that way that perfection has been imperfect the entire time! Isn't that a riot?

I have no intention of saying I know more than you. I have no intention of making it appear that I know more than you. I know less than many.

But what I feel.... how I feel...

I wish more (I wish all) would join me.

I have been writing in these vague philosophical manners because it's the best I can do. I am going through something gigantic and honestly, it's fun to write like this. Generally speaking, it's fun to write no matter what- but having a little timeless spin on it makes me happy.

So there ya go.

Monday, November 15, 2010

I would be lying if I said my hands aren't shaking and my jaw isn't aching like I've been chewing on leather all day.

My heart races from time to time, and the idea of loss and fear plague me, though they hold no solid ground. There is no reason for these emotions, truly, but the ever-so-fragile side of me is trying to show and I am fighting it every moment.

I will fight to remain strong and positive. I know things will be as they should. I know it. Just getting there is a rough and bumpy road, and I feel like I've hit my head a few times along the way....

Dreams, the little and the big things....

We all have our certain set of dreams... job, home, family, hobby...

How often do the details of your dreams change? I'd venture to say- a lot.

Every time you sit back (in your mind of course) and really think about what is important to you- it directly correlates with your present situation. "Scientifically proven".

My dreams, at I sit behind this computer clickity clicking away, consist of things for other people. Am I completely happy? Are my dreams absolutely fulfilled? Not quite yet. But, here I sit wishing the best for others.

I am no saint, I am no miracle worker. But I am thankful, I am healthy, and I know what it means to truly love.

I wish, I dream, to spread the feeling of love throughout... slowly, bit by bit, I hope to send a message.

The message....?
I'll let you know when I can figure out how to put it into words. For now, I guess I can just say "Thank you".

Friday, November 12, 2010

Testing... testing... I am sending this directly to my blog, via text message. Once again technology wins. So, hello readers... thanks for stopping by. :)

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Bits and Peaces (hehe)

Stress, as defined by yours truly, is any negative emotion.

Fascinating. Any negative emotion? What does that mean....?

fear, anger, sadness, frustration, loneliness, judgment, regret, loss, etc.

I fully believe there are only two ways to feel: Good & Bad.

You have the choice to feel good. It IS a choice. Life is hard, life throws a bunch of shit at you, but it is still life! There is so much beauty in this world, and it becomes easier to see once you can switch gears.

I am not oblivious. I know there are things that hurt, and I do suffer, but I will always turn it around and look on the bright side. Why?

Why not.

It feels good to feel good.
It feels bad to feel bad.

(wow, brilliant)

Point: Either feel bad or good.

Better point: Feel Good. Don't dwell. Look past. Let go. Forgive. Accept. Be at Peace.

(small side note: I feel really good when I spell check on my entry and the little green words, "no misspellings found" pop up. It's the little things, ya know?)

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

One must settle their mind before they can master their heart.

One must be still.

One must scream from time to time.

One must seek shelter in the middle of a storm.

One must let go.

One must accept.

One must understand everything will be OK.

One must be level headed.

One must be still.

(A little mantra before I lose my mind. It's been a pretty heavy few days... and taking a lot of effort not to completely lose it. Have you ever sat on the edge of your bed, staring at the negative space between the fibers in your carpet, perfectly still and thinking of absolutely nothing? Have you ever been an empty shell, devoid of everything? Have you ever felt as though your soul no longer resides in your body and it's pretty much not worth moving at all?)

Monday, November 8, 2010


We feed our dogs every night at 7:30pm. When it's getting close to "that time" my dog, Vince, will sit very diligently and stare at me. Just stare. And sit.

If we happen to be in our bedroom, and I notice him staring at me, I'll glance at the clock to double check the time, naturally.

Tonight, since daylight savings happened, my dog started staring at me around 6:15pm. Though, this time instead of simply staring at me he would glance at the clock, then look at me, then at the clock, then at the closet door that his food waits behind.

I told him it wasn't 7:30 yet, and he would have to wait.

He licked his chops, looked at the clock, and back at me as if to say, "Hey Mom, c'mon... seriously? It's dinner time. You and I both know this fact. So make with the food already woman."

Sometimes this dog is too funny for words. He looked at the clock like he could tell the time, and that made me chuckle. Thought I'd share.

Saturday, November 6, 2010


Do you ever find you have these amazing thoughts, ideas, views, or stories run through your mind and once you sit down to write them they vanish?

Why is that?

Does the universe (or God, or our subconscious, or however one may believe) want us to keep these things to ourselves? Or is it just bad memory?

Maybe I should walk around with a tape recorder in my pocket. Oh, and by tape recorder I mean little piece of plastic with a button and red light on it, that holds up to 18 hours of recorded digital sound, available in pink, black, or dark blue...

Oh technology.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

It's That Time Again....

Thankful A-Thursday...

the office, language, homemade cookies, peanut butter, and vanilla ice cream.

seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, and touching.

funny quotes

good coffee

a really really good dog

shaded trails, with fall colors and a running streams- tucked neatly amidst beautiful little houses

cuddly mornings
cuddly evenings
kisses whenever I want them
kisses whenever he wants them

a son who LOVES the snow, the color green, and heavy metal music

living a life full of love.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Misunderstandings and the meaning of life

Alright. Let's face it. Life isn't fair, life is hard, and life takes work. Happiness takes work.

Growing into "who I am" has been an enlightening, darkening, scary, freeing, exciting, confusing, frustrating, fascinating, and any assorted descriptive word along those lines- kind of experience.

It is for everyone. At least, for everyone who is trying to be the real them.

Though, as I read that last line I have to admit- it sounds silly. We are who we are. Even on our journey to "discovering" ourselves, we are being... ourselves. Just in a different stage of our life. Right?

To quote one of my favorite "thinker" movies, I Heart Huckabees, I have to ask:

"How can I not be me?"

So as I assess myself, at this very moment, to every microscopic molecule- I feel the need to express my current state of being. How? In a list. Aren't lists great? I love them.

1. I try, try, try to think positive thoughts about everyone. Everyone! (and everything!)

2. Instead of saying "hate" I say "severely dislike" or something similar.

3. It's easy to think negatively about people or situations, and sometimes I am lazy and don't want to think positive... it can be hard!

4. I have a very dry sense of humor, and sometimes I severely dislike when people take my comments to heart. When I meet someone new I stay relatively "normal" with my humor, but once I get to know them I take it a step further. I never mean anything harsh, but people often don't like having the truth pointed out to them blatantly and (usually) loud enough for others to hear. The truth can hurt for people who live with doubt and insecurity.

5. I'm in love, totally.

6. I make a very, very conscious effort not to judge people. It goes hand in hand with being positive. If you're positive, life IS better.

7. I go off on tangents when I talk.... or write.

8. My memory and observations skills have amazingly increased over the last few years. Is it maturing? Standard growth patterns? Personal enlightenment? The result of conscious effort? Better diet?

9. Speaking of better diet- It continues to surprise me when foods I used to love don't even register on my delicious-dar now. Like... meat. I just don't crave it. I don't want it, don't like how I feel after I eat it... Also like soda. Don't want it. Pretty much the only thing I ingest that is "bad" for me is Red Bull. Boy, is it bad for me. I feel like it's the only thing I crave. Yes, I was addicted.

10. I have no fears. Not an easily accomplished goal. I do experience the occasional worry that could be misunderstood (if dwelled on) as fear, but when it comes down to it- Death (in any shape or form), Poverty, Loss, Spiders, Elevators, Loneliness, Germs, etc are not avoidable. Whether I choose to feel negatively or positively about these things is up to me. Only me. Everyone has control over their own thoughts, and thoughts become things. So, if I can positively think of death (which used to be my biggest fear) I can openly accept life as it is. Why fight it when you can enjoy the ride?

11. I believe, undoubtedly, in love.

12. I believe, undoubtedly, in myself.

13. I believe, undoubtedly, in the power of positive thinking.

14. Getting a compliment on my writing can change a bad day to a good one... especially when it's completely unexpected. My writing is one of my most cherished gifts. I have a journal from 2nd grade that my teacher wrote in (while doing grades). She wrote that I am very good at putting my thoughts on paper. As an 8 year old I was convinced: I must KEEP writing.

15. I have many "soul mates". People whom I strongly believe I have known longer than 27 years. A few of you know who you are, and I LOVE YOU! :)

16. I'm going to be 28 this year. I feel so young. I feel like life is endless and there is no limit to what I can accomplish. Life is a giant to-do (fun stuff) list.

17. The last two years have been the BEST of my life so far.

18. I have experienced the feeling of enlightenment... I am really looking forward to feeling it again. (Duh.)

19. My Mom, Elizabeth Marie, was one of the most incredible women on this planet... and I'm not just saying that. It's true. I have a good idea of when she is with me, but I still haven't seen her- and I wait patiently for the day that she shows herself to me (and not in a dream), so I can see her smile again right in front of me. The woman is unforgettable :). She touched many lives, and on occasion I feel remorse for not knowing more of her. There are so many questions I have- and now with Grandma Marge gone, too... I will mortally know the maternal side of my family through a child's eyes.

20. Everyone has different coping mechanisms. I get that.

21. If you're still reading these, I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate it. Well, yes I can, I'm a writer! I can put whatever I think into words. It's a gift. So- readers, followers, guests, passer-by, friends, family, strangers, lover: Thank you for spending time with me. You are loved and appreciated.


Sunday, October 24, 2010

The turn is coming.

Snow is falling on the mountain tops as I type. Granted- not much, but still it's there.

Now, every time I step outside I smell fireplaces warming their homes dutifully. I feel cool and crisp air filling my lungs as pure energy. The wind blows with sheer power, and all the warm weather trees are quickly dropping their leaves.

I am in no way excited for the winter... and what that really means is... I'm beyond excited.

The winter is...


The winter is...

::places hand thoughtfully on chin, tilts head upward, and ponders::


Monday, October 18, 2010

I just can't help it.

Sometimes, I get so sad.... I miss my mom so much it reopens the tear that happened the day we found out she had cancer.

Watching movies with scenes of folks in ICU beds, seeing a mom hold her full grown daughter's hand as they walk in the mall, having a question I knew she would have the answer for...

Sometimes, it's just entirely too hard.

Sometimes, I wish as though I was there for her more when she was suffering. I wish I was there when she passed away. I wish I could have told her I loved her one more time. I wish I could hold her hand, to let her know, I was proud of her, and she is the best mom ever. I wish I could tell her she is the biggest influence in my life and I always embrace her memory. I wish I could tell her I want to be just like her.

If I knew then what I know now about healing. I feel regret, anger, sadness, selfishness...

I just can't help it. I know feeling this way can't change anything, and it causes more trouble than anything else- but oh well. Time doesn't heal the pain. It never goes away. All time does is provide ways to distract us.

I'm not especially sad for too long, but on occasion I will burst into tears because the pain is too overwhelming.

I miss her. I miss her so much.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Thankful Thursday

Hyper mornings
Easy days at work
Our small World and its ability to bring people from the past together randomly :)
A.D.D. (I have no idea why I am thankful for this, maybe it keeps life interesting... SQUIRREL!)

::dances around in circles::

Thursday, August 12, 2010

  • {[Please let me take a moment to share why I love me, and the respectful, honest, mature women in my life.... and bless others to grow into that kind of woman. Names are edited for privacy, but for clarification's sake I will say that L**** has a connection to someone I was extremely close to, and unfortunately really hurt, in the past. We cannot change our past, we can change ourselves and learn to accept and forgive our youth and ignorance for what it is- one giant adventure, one amazing journey, and one hell of a roller coaster.]}

  • Me: Haha love this!
    21 July at 10:38 ·

  • L****: actually no. he's not yours to "love" any more. keep your thoughts about C*** to yourself way up in S****** where they belong.
    04 August at 00:17 ·

  • Friend: Wow, no need for rudeness! I didn't realize there was a reason for any hostility towards Virginia. Believe me when I say she has no ill intentions by making any comments about any of my, or our, mutual friends here on facebook.
    about an hour ago ·

  • Me: WOW! Thanks ******! Holy crap L****, I would say I am sorry to offend you, but really... I haven't done anything wrong. In fact, I have nothing but great positive feelings for C****, and well... the fact that you make him happy. We have ALL made mistakes and frankly, I was a dark and lost individual after my mom passed away. Unfortunately, C**** bore the brunt of that part of me. You know, as well as I do, he is a WONDERFUL person. I will never forget how poorly things went between us, and I know poorly is an understatement, but the past is the past, and that was over FIVE years ago! I encourage your honesty, and respect that you choose to speak your mind, but perhaps a personal message would be more appropriate instead of a public denouncement of my character. Please address me privately if you wish to do so, but I'll have you know, I can love him and his family. Love is an expansive feeling, and though you may wish to control others' thoughts and feelings you'll never be able to do so, especially mine. Thank you S*****, again, for your respect and understanding. ....Oh and L****, I said love "this" not "him" so think about things before you type them, because I very well could be speaking of lighting, composition, and subject matter [seeing as I am a photographer].
    5 minutes ago

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Thankful Thursday

New friends
Old friends
Great Love
Great dog
Good home
Vegetables, prepared into a deliciously filling meal
Great job
New phone

& most of all... Wonderful life. Thank you to everyone, and everything that brings joy and beauty to my adventure [to our adventure].


Thursday, June 3, 2010

On occasion, it becomes painfully obvious how much I miss family.

Thankfully, I'm still in touch with my brother and sister.

But really, gosh really... I just... miss... family.
Gatherings, parties, stories, games, movie nights... ::tear::

I am fortunate to have many who love me. Many are others' family, and it's really awesome to be a part of their love... but when it comes down to it- I really miss my family.


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I know what you mean. She is fairly lost in a world full of confusion dancing like the soul inside her is infusing itself with frustration and anger no good she says no good.

Thursday, April 1, 2010


...Well, I guess freewriting is only entertaining for about two lines and then it's boring. Nobody understands or cares what's going on in your head, half (or more) of the time. So what, what should someone do who wishes to provide worth while reading material?


That someone should try, and think, and rewrite, and include, and blah blah blah.

I will try to write something worth reading in the near future. I've got a pretty stellar idea idea for short story. Just gotta start it.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

This is Why!

This is why I love the sky
Painted blue, with red orange and white
Dotted with cotton swabs, and balls and things
Gathering speed in the windy windy ease
a breath of fresh air like none can compare
Open you eyes and take in the why's
The why's I love this place
The why's I love this guy
The why's I know true natural grace
Like snow, rock, green, and being
A part of this mountain in spirit and glide
through the trees on a trippy ride
happily passing to and fro
listening to heaven and seeing its face
feeling like nothing matters at all
That's Park City, after all.

(freewrite, March 31st, 2010....)

Friday, March 12, 2010

Freewrites, this new year:

A look around
Take me down down to the outer world town
Hearing bits of my soul yell back at me
"Can't you see I'm living free!?"
Happy is hard to come by sometimes
NotUnderstanding how we barely make it through
Most likely the trick is something
....Very easy to do.


Find yourself lost amongst the storms?
Hold Strong
You're connected forever to the clouds.
Above it all you can rest.
Above it all you can do your best.

Stay High
above it all.

Who needs the ground when the sky is where your soul is found?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Truly, with as much as I am moving I feel fine and still.
My mind is settled and my heart beats steady.

Truly, I am at peace within myself and it feels amazing to be so.
One should try this.

I feel as though my entire world has flipped itself into perfection (or close enough thereto).
I am rearranging my thoughts, listening to my heart, letting go of fear, and embracing change-



Thursday, February 4, 2010

Uh Oh, Big Girl....

In the motion of things that flow, I have obtained a second job.

At first glance, I was stoked and very thankfully... but uh oh...

I'm going to be working 4 days a week in Park City, and 2 days in SLC until April. Though I am going to LOVE receiving a check every week, I am not going to love the persistence of 6 days a week... please wish me (and my ever so ADD, free spirit-style, soul) good luck, for I shall need it!

::Cheers:: Here's to work! Phew!

Saturday, January 30, 2010

The Unwinding

It's been quite the endeavor settling my wandering mind after my trip to California.

One of the most popular obstacles I have had to face has been, "How was your trip?".

Silly, right? Can't answer one easy little question.
It's just...

Well... There aren't really words I can say to completely describe the week other than with everyday verbs:


I feel like so much happened over the week, yet... nothing at all. It POURED rain the first few days I was there and although I felt a little more serene about everything I still felt a little off.

It may take some time to really put my finger on the reason why I am feeling so confused about everything, but when I figure something out- I'll be sure to attempt the transformation into words. It might be life changing. It might be PMS.

Only (nonexistent, illusionary*) time will tell.

*Aware "illusionary" isn't a word but it sounds cool

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


I am off to see Trevor tomorrow. A lot of really amazing things are going to happen this week. I can tell.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Here it Comes

The big anticipation.

I am leaving for CA to be with my baby boy Trevor on Thursday. It's been far too long since I've held him in my arms or played on the floor with the beautiful creature I call my son.

Seriously... the 21st-28th will be epic. Will be fantastic. I am so excited to be a Mommy again, for real. I'm sorry I'm not always there for you in person, Trevor, but you have an amazing Daddy! I have no doubt in my mind things will be as they should in our little, broken, family. Even though something is broken doesn't mean it can't work, right?

I love you Trevor! I will see you soon! YIPPEE!!!!!!

Sunday, January 17, 2010


Oh, to revert.

Once warm, now cold.
Once talk, now listen.

Once act, now wait.


The way life changes as years pass by is astonishing. Reflections of bad choices, good choices, and great choices.

I have been writing plenty, just on paper. I've written four real letters to assorted friends and... honestly haven't received a response yet. My latest was sent last week so I certainly feel I will get a response from it. ;) Truly a dying art form- the letter. Tell me, how happy do you get when you receive an envelope in the mail that doesn't contain a bill (or junk mail!)?

I move to bring back letters.

I would love to have a legit ::McHammerDance:: pen pal. Sending 3x5 photos and everything. Anyone with me?


Thank you to anyone out there reading through this and spending a few moments with "me".

Two of my New Year's Resolutions:
...Keep Rock/Paper/Scissors going strong
...Create something every few days


Thanks again for stopping by- let me know if you want to be my pen pal :D