Wednesday, December 24, 2008

humble pie... hehe...

I forgot that one other awesome lady broke over a thousand already, but in my defense- she did it during a huge special event weekend and she's been working there for 6 or 7 years.


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

big day

I broke a thousand dollars in sales today...

I got a bonus for it, too. I'm also, of course, the first person of the season to do so.

Hooray for me.


Thursday, December 18, 2008


I had a fabulous day today at work.

I have tomorrow off, then I work 8 days in a row.


I still love it! Skiing everyday!! Making money for taking pictures of people. Working with awesome ladies!


Thursday, December 11, 2008


This blog is titled "Ego" because... well... it's about me :).

-Absolutely great! I have made some really good friends already and the people "on my team" are awesome.
-I get to ski everyday I work! Even days I don't work! hehe.
-I went down an intermediate run and didn't die. It was really darn steep.
-I love it!
-My job is a great ego booster (like I need one) because I already have someone crushing on me (so I have through the grapevine), and so many people there are friendly and I get smiled at a lot. It's always good for the soul to see smiles all day, every day.

Trevor/ Nathan:
-We took Trev skiing (pictures will be posted on flikr someday, I promise) this week and he did so well. He loved it and kept asking to go down again. We might get him his own gear for Christmas.
-He is so smart (duh!). He speaks in full sentences now like, "Mommy get Trevor's shoes and put shoes on please." Or something more adorable, "Please Mommy drink of water over there? [he points to a glass of water on the table]"
-I know some of you think me leaving was the worst possible solution to anything- but Nathan and I are getting along great.
-If you think it was awful, have lost respect for me, or don't understand any of it I suggest you ask Nathan how he is feeling about everything. Maybe that will clear some things up. I don't want to speak for him, of course, but we are all doing as well as we could be.

Matt & I:

All in all, I can tell it's going to be one kick butt season. Thanks to those of you who are sticking around, hanging in there with me, and loving me. You all make help my heart beat, my heart smile, my heart sing.

I love you.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

I survived!

My first real day of work, coming down the slopes and all that...

I LOVE the ladies I work with. They are a blast.... now once my brain calms down from the super-dooper-oober-information-overload (I believe that's the technical term)... I will actually be able to enjoy coming down the slope, and taking pictures, and making money. Right now, my brain is about to 'splode.

Sorry I haven't given a decent update recently, it's been a relatively turbulent few weeks. :) Turbulence can be fun- it hasn't been bad at all. I got to see Trevor, talk with Nathan, work some things out, learn to ski, start work, meet new people... fun shtuffs.

This is a picture from when Nathan and Trevor came up. He tackled me :) A LOT. And I LOVED every second of it.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

My Beautiful Son

I held him, kissed him, laughed with him...

Put him to bed...

I get to see him when I wake up.

I feel wonderful.

My boy, my wonderfully beautiful son- thank you for everything.
Thank you Nathan, for being so awesome about all this.

::high five::

Saturday, November 29, 2008

It has been my experience that patience, truth, and positive thinking can and always will turn a situation to it's best possible outcome.

NEVER doubt your heart. Trust me.

I love you.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

New photos up on Flikr.... nothing too special, really.

Just some stuff.

I promise better shots will be coming soon. I'm trying not to be inspired by sadness, but rather hope and light... and well... that's really difficult sometimes.

::high five:: Time to play some Lego Indiana Jones, and eat burritos... yep... on Thanksgiving.

Hope y'all have a good one. Mine is just another day.

Thursday, November 20, 2008


Once again, the world wide web is available to me under my own roof.

Check Spelling
This is splendid news. Today, I plan to take pictures of where I am living and some other things to give y'all a better image of where I am at. Instead of just knowing it's cold and it's a house. LOL.

Unfortunately, I don't start work until the 3rd- and if it doesn't start snowing (for real) soon I might not be starting full time on the 6th like I am supposed to. What am I doing? You may be asking...

I totally scored an amazing job as a mountain photographer for Deer Valley Ski Resort. I don't get to take pictures of people in motion (yet)... I stand at the top of a designated lift and take pictures of families and stuff before they head down the mountain. It doesn't sound like a lot of fun, but here's the deal... it's commission so I can make lots 'n lots of cashola. Also, the perk, is I don't have to (more like, I am not allowed to) approach them. The skiers have to come to me. Yay for not feeling like a Disneyland photographer! If you have no idea what I am talking about, just smile and nod.

I guess now is just as good of a time as any to explain to those patient followers why I am where I am (holy weird sentence Batman). I have separated myself from Nathan, my husband, for more reasons than I care to share at this point in time. I do, however, wish the world to know that Nathan is not a bad man at all. He never treated me terribly, hit me, or treated Trevor in any manner that's harmful. I have been called (and called myself) a free spirit since I can remember. This time my free spirit may have lost me a few of my dearest friends, but in this life of mine I cannot be unhappy. All I can do is wish that others will accept me (and thank you to those that truly have- and I love you forever) and understand that I am not far away even though it feels like it.

I am beginning to ramble. If you like, I can proceed. Otherwise I will just say "ta ta".

Alright, alright.... I will keep going. Thanks Taryn (hehe).

In cases such as mine many, many people will ask why I didn't stay and try to make it work with my husband. They will argue that it is what needs to be done, and I have made an incredibly selfish decision that can never be seen as positive.

What do I do? Well... I respect them for having the courage to tell me their opinion, and understand their anger or loss of respect for me. It's all I can do. I cannot be angry for them or at them. They are being themselves- and trying to help me.

Unfortunately, some friends of mine will never understand completely. They will remove me from their fore mind, and think of me in pain and regret. I do not feel sorry for them. I do not feel pain.

I am becoming more than I ever have been before. Growing bigger and faster in my mind and heart. Seeing the world and universe through a god's eyes.

I love you, my "known" readers. I love you, my dear friends. I love you, my family. I love you, universe. I love you, my wonderful wonderful son. I love you, most of all, me.

I wish I could say "sorry" and mean it to those whom I have hurt. Sorry is not in my mind. I know I have hurt (terribly) those who were close to me, especially Nathan... but he knows I cannot be held back. He has been tremendously amazing with me through all this. To feel sorry right now is to be out of alignment.

I am happy. Everyday I am thankful for the breath in my lungs and the beating of my heart. Everyday I am thankful for a healthy and amazing boy (although not with me physically- always with me in my heart). Everyday I am thankful. Everyday I am happy.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

No internet...

I haven't had the internet, and it will be a little while before I get it again.

So, that's why you haven't gotten any nonsense from me in a while.

Much love,

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


For those who wish to know where I am right now...

I'm in Park City, UT.

For details, just comment or email. I will share the story.

A VERY VERY sincere thank you to my dearest friends who love me no matter what- and understand that even if I "drop off the face of the planet" for a few weeks... I still love them.

You guys are really wonderful. I love you.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Matt is the newest edition to my wonderful family of best friends.

I have an amazing assortment of people in my life, and Matt is among the ones who are changing my life for the best.

That's who Matt is, for those who were curious ;).

Much love,


...I am going to CA with Matt and Trey (my new nickname for Trevor) on Wednesday night after my first dog training class.

I am so freakin' excited. It's going to be... to say the least... life changing.

I am on the verge of something positively amazing, something huge, something... GREAT.


Monday, October 13, 2008


I took some new pictures tonight, I am rather happy with them.

Swing by my FLIKR site... check 'em out.

Thanks, folks.


Wednesday, October 8, 2008


I have come to realize that I haven't written a decent blog in a while. What's up with that? Well, I am super happy.

I write the best when I am not happy... and since I am having the time of my life right now... that means no writing, haha.

Consider it a good thing.

Thanks for stopping by,

Friday, October 3, 2008

Twisted inside, about to explode
What better way than quietly

Swinging in time to the music in my ears
Blowing up my heart, blowing up my mind
Trying dear trying
Not to think clear

Muddy murky
Easier to breathe
When your covered in muck
In my case, in this case
I want to break

Run away
A thousand times in my head
Run away a million time sin my heart
Which way to run
To falter to fall
To sink

Deep in the crevice the dark the dark
About what I am thinking clearly undefined
Brains spattered on the ground
Metaphorically of course
Heart pierced with shrapnel
Broken jagged


Bloody mess in my eyes
bloody mess in my spirit setting free
the dark side of me
prepared to run
but scared to death

cliche madness
predictable text
perfectly damaged
coming undone

an entity not entirely empty
but losing sand with time
through the holes although ever so tiny
they are

things that are
tend to be
never leaving my brain
no matter how badly i try
no matter how badly i try to get them away

venting through the growing cracks
what happens when i am out of steam?
what happens? what does all this crap mean?

why is it loud music in my ears makes everything ok?
why is it i can see nothing? hear everything? feel....

feel... barely.

free write feel it write
feel it right

feel it wrong feel wrong to be right
in my brain
where i belong
i cry in songs

i cry in songs

as long as i can breathe
as long as i do breathe i will live fine
by my own, my own, rules.


Monday, September 29, 2008


A best friend, a beautiful woman,

An Incredible Person.

Happy Birthday Chelsea W.,
I love you!!

Saturday, September 27, 2008


So, i have an interview on Tuesday morning for Petco :).

The new manager is amazing! She actually cares about the animals and her associates. She seems like the kind of person a great business relationship can blossom from.

I'm excited!!



If you will for a moment (or can)- recall my Petco situation from about...uh... 8 months ago.

If there's nothing popping in your brain then here's the nutshell:
-applied for dog training position
-got hired
-manager was a raging blitch, lied to me straight out
-i turned down said position

Well folks... there's new management. I have heard through the grapevine (a few employees at the store, and my bestie) that the new manager could be a lot easier to work with.

This makes me EXTREMELY happy. I really wanted that Petco job. I would be secure for a year, get a client base, and the experience I need teaching classes.

I'm not such a huge fan of classes, but I really do need to just do it.... hehe.

Plus, now I am certified now so I don't think I will have to go to Vegas for their training course. Big Whoop!!

Love you guys,
You rock,

Friday, September 26, 2008

Holy Moly That's Pathetic...

Not having internet for the passed few days has shown me I truly am dependent on the world wide web.

Sporadically throughout the day I would think, "I wonder what that means..." (or "I'll check the weather" or "I don't know, let me see where the nearest store is...." ) then I would run to my computer to look it up and....


You get the idea.

I'm standing in my kitchen, mooching off another person's internet service. Although I am not unaccustomed to doing this, I miss my internet, hehe.

If any of the three of you that read this were wondering how the heck my last few weeks have been... I can tell you this:



Vague, and awesome.

I know it's unlike me to be vague (as I thoroughly enjoy going into painstakingly delicious detail), but in reality... I don't have words for the last few weeks, yet.

I know, weird, right?

Thanks for tuning in. As always, I am ever so grateful, and you get tons of love and good energy your way.

::high five::

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Boston, the best.

To sum up my trip in a few words:

Freakin' amazing.


Thank you so much Katie. This was the BEST trip ever.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Yes Please!


...anyone wanna go in on a summer home in Boston with Katie and I? Plans are in the making...


Tuesday, September 16, 2008


We are so here, baby!

Why am I online? Why?

To spread the freakin' joy and excitement! Time for a day (and night) out on the town!


Saturday, September 13, 2008


I am going to the beach tomorrow and I am so happy!! This is a brilliant week in the making.

I have been blessed, and loved, in so many ways- life is truly amazing.

Thank you my family and friends. Thank you!

::jumps for joy::

Thursday, September 11, 2008




... :D

Monday, September 8, 2008

Coming home
Coming back
Has been weird
But nice

I found my portfolio
Looked through it

My drawings
My art.

Where did it all go?
I pick up a pencil, pen, paper... you name it.

It's awkward, frustrating.
I see my OLD artwork
I know it's from the past...

I can live with that.
Maybe my future has a lens and shutter?
Who knows... but that doesn't change
The fact
I am still kinda sad.

Thursday, September 4, 2008


I have been blessed with the means to get a great camera... thank you Nathan and thank you Chelsea.

I have been taking pictures like crazy and I feel so wonderful!!


Tuesday, September 2, 2008


Well, we made it... yep.

Everything is still sitting strewn about the house, waiting to put back in its rightful place. OK, not really everything but there is still a fair amount of randomness.

I feel weird being home. I mean, I saw Chelsea and Ayla...and even Rob... but seriously.. I felt like I had never even left.


This place definitely is my home...

Not this house, but this place. Southern Utah. Ya, that just keeps sounding more weird everytime I say it. Or in this case type it.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

The Secret.

I am the power to changes things.
I am the power to create my own universe.

I am the power of positive thinking,
Positive feeling,
Positive energy.

I have known it my whole life-
But only now are things going to

For the Best, forever.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


Why, oh dear, why... do I have "more energy" when I only sleep for five hours than when I sleep for nine?

I put "more energy" in quotes because I DO have to take a nap when Trevor does, but in all reality I pop out of bed easier, everything that normally irritates me doesn't... its so weird.

If anyone has a valid explanation for this I would love it.

Monday, August 25, 2008

The buzz in my ears is that of anticipation. I can't wait to set foot on Utah dirt again. Red, red dirt.

As weird as that sounds, it's very- very true.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Friday, August 22, 2008

Never EVER underestimate the power of a mistake

::deep breath::

What I literally just experienced has got to be one of the dumbest things I have ever done ( or let happen...let's hope I don't ever get more stupid!).

I could beat myself up for hours and hours, drink myself into a stupor tonight, or go smoke a cigarette- but I won't because right now ::deep breath:: everything is OK. Aside from my brain screaming at me!

What happened? Well, it's something I am sure a few parents have experienced and before I get into all the details I will just say:

"NEVER doubt the intelligence of a two year old."

Trevor is currently sitting on my lap, stealing licks from my peanut butter filled spoon (ULTIMATE short notice comfort food), kicking his feet, and pointing out the "w's" on this screen. He's fine. Lucky.

Me? Still trying to understand why everyone else isn't as freaked out as me.

Alright, alright- I will get to the story already.

Nathan left for work at about 9:30am. I did my computer stuff a little bit, played and sang with Trevor, then decided I was far too greasy to wait to 3pm to take a shower (Trev's nap time).

I put a new movie on, pulled out Trev's box of toys, and told him I was going to take a shower. I left all the doors open, like I normally do. He came into the bathroom, opened and closed the shower doors like he always does, showing me a random toy or whatnot...

Then I turned the water off and grabbed my towel. As I began drying I heard Trevor cry like he was scared or had been scratched by Vince on accident. At this point I noticed all the doors were closed. I shrugged it off, and hollered at Trevor.

"Trevor, come into the bathroom and show me what's wrong."

I never jump up and rush to his aid when he hurts himself or gets scared. My philosophy, and parenting style, is one where the child must realize it's not the end of the world to be injured or surprised and the child must gather their thoughts and wits- then accept the damage. I won't ignore him, just to clarify, but I definitely don't, "AHH! OH my gosh baby are you OK??!?!" When he happens to bump his head on the table.

As I was saying, before my little disclaimer, I asked him to come into the bathroom. When he didn't, I got a little more concerned. Then I heard it...

The rattling of a door handle.

I kind of chuckled because he has locked the bathroom door before, and I explained to him how important it was that he didn't lock it. Then he started screaming, terrified. My heart skipped a beat and I immediately went to the bedroom door. Our bathroom has two entrances (sorry I forgot to mention that earlier) and he LOCKED BOTH DOORS FROM THE INSIDE.

He was pulling on the handles, going back and forth to each door... each time the door didn't open he would get more and more frantic. I attempted to keep my wits. "Grab something to shove in the pin hole and unlock these stupid doors!" I shouted in my head.


God, my heart was in my stomach and I couldn't even keep my hands from shaking. If it were any other kid, or if Trevor weren't pleading with me to open the door, I could have probably run to the kitchen cabinet, grabbed the screwdriver, and popped the door open.

Nope. Couldn't do it. I called Nathan and told him what was going on (in dire hopes he was walking up to our front door because he had finished his morning job)... but he wasn't. He was about a half hour away. He says to call Justun... our boss.

I do. He runs over with a screwdriver and after a few attempts to get the door open- he decides to go to the office to see if they have the stupid special key that opens these stupid locks.

You know? I forgot to mention I AM IN A TOWEL this whole time.

Anyway- the moment Justun walks out the door I break down on the floor. I can't stop sobbing and all I can think of is my terrified son and my dog, locked in the room; and OF COURSE Vince HAD to start whining in this whole situation. I think he was confused and wanted out just as bad as I wanted them out... minus the "terrible parent" feeling.

As I am sobbing I try to tell Trevor to stand on his stool and turn the little knob on the handle. He runs to the other door and screams more. Runs back screams more.

I barely choke out, "Trevor, please, my baby, stand on your stool... turn the knob... unlock the door."

A moment of silence, save my choking.

Door handle turned.

I took a series of deep breaths and opened the door. I grabbed my son and told him I would never, ever, ever let that happen again.

Justun walked through to door and saw Trevor. He kinda chuckled and said to Trevor, "You got out, huh?"

I was clutching my chest trying to get the buzzing in my ears to stop, in the darkened bathroom, in a towel. I finally get the wits to walk out and Justun tells me the maintenance guy had to "go get the key".

With what felt like thirty seconds after I walked out of the bathroom the maintenance guy knocked on the door. He brought a screwdriver. Go get the key my ass.

Then, he proceeds to tell us, "Oh, ya... they usually put the key on the top of the door frame, or back of a shelf..."

He felt around our door frames and sure enough, on top of TREVOR'S door- there is an odd shape of thin metal. Specifically designed to pop open those stupid locks.


I feel like a shitty, shitty mother. Everyone else (Nathan made it home, Justun is here, and Trevor) are all relaxed doing their thing. Watching a movie or making lunch... and I sit here.

Effin frazzled and feeling like crap. I never want to hear that pleading again. THAT cry. That horrible, hopeless, fear induced cry. Worse. Ever.
When you're faced with temptation- what do you do?

Can you say no? Can you back away from "peer pressure" and accept the fact you have chosen against said temptation? Really... can you?

Of course you can.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Freewrite [can'tsleep]

Dazzling I said,
But riddle me this
In twilight no moonlight
But in fact there
Is sunlight
Why am I up all night
Writing like this?


Wondering, using words ending
in "ing"
Love it, really
Love it a lot
Just the way they sound
Trotting out


Feeding on love
The best kind of food
Nourishing the Soul
And making me feel like a fool!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."

On Sunday Nathan was looking at some work related paperwork and counted out loud, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."

Without skipping a beat Trevor spouted, "6, 7, 8, 9, 10."

My jaw dropped, and a tear came to my eye. I just couldn't believe it. He knows it! My kid can count to ten!! Haha. Weird, weird, weird.

I love it though, for sho. Everyday when we "play and learn" he'll usually avoid answering my questions or answer me wrong, get distracted, or just smile and say, "No."

I guess all my efforts are really paying off. Even though he doesn't fully cooperate immediately- the information is definitely sinking in.

This Mom is proud of her son, and proud of herself. :)

Monday, August 18, 2008

In other news...

I am almost done with school! Haha, not like it's a 4-yr college or anything, but I still did my fair share of procrastinating and studying.

By Sept 2, I will be Virginia Collinwood, ABCDT [in other words- Animal Behavior College Certified Dog Trainer]. It's a mouthful, but it's me! I get my own abreviation! :D

Then the fun can begin! Let's hope I can keep my head in the game and really make my career something I am passionate about.


There's a part of me that isn't working properly. For the life of me I can't figure out what part that is... but I know it's there and it's not working rght.

Friday, August 15, 2008

OH Full Moon Fever

A sky
I see it
Blackish with little silver hilights
Slivers, Curls
Dark lovely blue
With you
With you
Full and bright

Thank you Moon,
Or is it Mr. Moon?
OH- maybe Mrs. Moon?
Hehe, I feel quite silly
Thinking these wonderful
Little thoughts.

Embracing night with a smile on my face
Staring into space
Tuning out noises- but your breath in the breeze,
I nodded to myself
And laughed in ease.

Twirling a little
Thoughts in the breeze
Swirling a little
and Laughing a lot!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008


As greasy and gross as this cramped hotel room makes me feel... it's a nice change of pace. All the techs are within doors of each other, so I have seen more human interaction in the last day than I have in a while. It's been refreshing (but only if I am standing outside... inside = far too stuffy. Stupid half broken air conditioner units).

My poor oaf dog is too big for this place and keeps getting pushed around whenever we have to make it from one end of the room to the other. He also has to do his business in thick ivy on the ground. I think he has the worst end to this deal... but he still has that goofy smile on his face. I love my dog, he is so awesome.

Trevor's tired of wearing socks all the time, but there's no way I can stomach seeing his feet turn BLACK on the bottoms from this ::shutter:: carpet.

Thursday night I am going to take Trev to main street where there is a market with booths, artwork, fruit, veggies, etc... Of course I have to drag a pen, paper, and hi lighter with me, I think it will be fun.

Bluetooth is weird at first, but I like it.

That is all. Just some random thoughts and unedited grammar :P.

::high five::

Monday, August 11, 2008

::holds breath::

So, there is a chance I can go out with my husband to Chico (there's a lot of back story and if you haven't been vented to yet, consider yourself lucky...)!

Because I am the office assistant I might HAVE to go out there. Right now my mgr. is "crunching the numbers" to see what the best plan of action will be. I already know- let me go. He's just lame. Haha.

I hope I can go, I hope I can go, I hope I can go....

(sorry if this left a lot of people confused, I have tried not to complain too much about the situation, so that means... no blogging on it heh.)
It's normal to freak out a little.
It's OK to feel alone.
It's nothing unexpected when you panic and worry.

It's just three weeks until you go home.
There is so much to do but no one to help (or so it feels).
It's OK to be afraid you can't do it yourself.

But you can. I know it.
You really are not alone.
You are not alone.

That is why others aren't reacting.
It's not because they don't care.
It's not because you are over reacting.
It's just because things are alright.

You are good. You are fine.
You are fine.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008


So, I finished my essay and turned it in (via email). I was definitely proud of myself... even though I wanted it done by the end of July, early August isn't that bad.

Well... I emailed it and instantly received an response. My coordinator is out of the office until the 14th!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahaahAHAHAHAHA

::pants, catches breath::

Got. To. Love. That. Irony.

Here I was all worried I was getting it in too late. Well... screw that, I'm going to play some Ratchet and Clank now. Pffft.


What am I doing writing this blog instead of finishing my essay?

What am I doing instead of getting rid of this plight called school?

I. Am. Procrastinating.

I hate school. It's not even that hard, but I still hate it.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Find a Happy Place

Think of home. Your real home.

Think of comforting futures. Think of diligence, decency, respect.

Sit still for a moment. Close your eyes and take a long deep breath.

Open your eyes. You can still see.

Understand that it will work out for the best. It always does when you keep your head held high. Keep your thoughts half full. Keep the negative in perspective and don't let it overwhelm your senses.

You can see. You can hear. You can taste and smell. Most of all- you can feel.

Feel the wave of change starting slow at first, then building as it gets closer to your shore, and when it breaks you will be ready. You will hold strong against the crash upon your chest. You will not fall.

You will stand.

Take a deep breath.

You will stand.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The End of the World for my Two Year Old

Sibby, Trevor's beloved stuffed dog, lost his mouth string today. It's been dangling off for about 4 months now- and I am surprised it took this long.

I put T down for his nap like usual, and an hour later I heard him yell something and start crying (quite out of the ordinary). I went into the room and there he was, tears filling his eyes, saying, "Sibby mouth trash, Sibby mouth trash throw away...".

He was truly very upset that Sibby had lost his mouth and was devastated by having to throw the string away. I tried my best to comfort him, but the tears kept coming, and he kept saying, "Sibby mouth, Sibby mouth...".

It was sad for me, I didn't know what to do! I tried to explain how we could give him a new mouth when we got home, and how Sibby isn't in pain, but it just seemed to make things worse. I know he will get over it, and right now he is sleeping peacefully in the room- no doubt holding his Sibby as close as he can.

He cares so much. It's awesome.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Little Memory Game

Let's be honest- maybe two people will respond, but it's worth a try anyway.

1. As a comment on this post, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you know me a little or a lot, anything you remember!

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you (if you have a blog, that is... if not- I will track down a way to make you laugh... i.e. leave a memory).

Freewrite- Stress Release

Cutting hair wanting
Cutting people from life
Sick sick sick of bullshit
Sick of place

Fingernails painted bloody messed up
Decency not a part of diction
Not a part of life
Living in Fiction
Like a different world

World of scum
World below
Not caring, harping

Nonsense of course
To minds outside mine
Except if your loved

Then you know
What feels and grows
Like daggers
Within owned heart
Within owned soul
Hatred not sparked
By nothing at all

Friday, July 25, 2008


I definitely feel awkward and stupid.

I want to go home so bad. So much for new friends, I guess. Why is it I always try to have fun and be myself but it never works? Ever?

I miss you Mrs. Wilde!! I can't wait to see my best friend again!!


So much for trying.

Monday, July 21, 2008


DEFINITION: unusually advanced or mature in development, esp. mental development: a precocious child.

Now, I am not usually one to brag (alright, that's kind of a lie) but the fireman supervisor said that Trevor is precocious. He had a smile on his face while my mind ticked around a little bit trying to remember what that word meant- so I knew it was a good thing. But I am getting ahead of myself.

Trevor and I took a short walk today. Right across the street is Firehouse #4. When we first walked up the big engine was gone. Both large doors were closed and there wasn't any motion on the inside of the building. I was a little sad, but what can you expect during fire season? I pointed out the "small" engine through the windows, then walked around to the office of the firehouse.

No one was there, even though a few TVs were audible from the front room. A bit disappointed, we turned around and headed back to home. The short walk back is quite scenic so I took it upon myself to find a spot to sit and "watch cars" before we got back to the crosswalk.

We sat and played with a little plane that doubles as a tiny fan, and talked about motorcycles, firemen, firetrucks, flowers... you know- two year old stuff.

Then I heard a loud metallic rolling sound. What luck! The big engine was back! I shot up and scooped Trevor into my arms. I pointed at the engine and the firemen and he smiled. When we got closer, he was a bit nervous.

Strangers, new things, BIG truck...

But after a while he opened up. He was talking up a storm, and pointing things out all over the garage. He was given stickers, a coloring book, and a little red plastic helmet.

We didn't get to hear the siren (I didn't ask), but I think it would have been too loud, that close-up, to appreciate. The fireman that showed us around ( I forgot his name because I was too busy being self conscious over my sweat and nervous child) was really nice and said we can come back anytime we want.

I am going to take him up on that. I think we'll head back in a day or two. Trevor really seemed to have a good time. He learns very fast and on the walk home he was talking to me about all the things he saw. Then once we reached the corner of our apartment complex all he wanted to do was smell and play with flowers.

We sat there for about 15 minutes. We played with flowers, laughed, watched cars and motorcycles...

Now it's time for a bath and bedtime.

I love being Trevor's mommy. There really is nothing like it.

Good grief, USA....

Apparently a lot of parents are complaining that the movie, Dark Knight, was too violent and scary (in other words "DARK") for their children.

Let's take a step back here.

It's rated PG-13!!

Granted, the rating technically means "Parental guidance suggested for kids under the age of 13".

As a parent, a new-ish parent, I wouldn't let my child see a brand new movie of that rating unless I saw it first- and knew my kid could "handle" it.

My child isn't 13 yet, or anywhere close, so I may not have room to talk... and who knows? Maybe when that time comes I will be the drastically too busy parent who doesn't care to think about the previews of movies being relatively "dark" looking. Then take my child anyway.

I think I will take my two-year-old to go see Hellboy tonight.

::shrug:: C'mon folks, let's go damage some children!


Saturday, July 19, 2008

"ABC drumming"

I found out today, thanks to Karen and her wonderful connections, that my son is normal.

Developmentally, that is.

I wasn't super worried that there was something wrong with his speech seeing as he can say "tapioca" clear as day (and it's awfully adorable)... but I was curious about how he puts "-in" at the end of MANY words, and also switches his words around like he is speaking another language.

For example- headin, handin, hottin, coldin, beddin, footin... and "tapioca some" instead of "some tapioca". Or, "Blanket put away" in place of "Put away blanket."

Yay for being developmentally normal!

It was nice to have a visit from Karen, and her wonderful boy Calobin (Caleb) today. They totally saved me! I was going nuts!

We were hanging out and I realized it was 8:09pm already! I wanted to keep playing, but our boys definitely needed to be put to bed. After my friends left Trevor helped me put his toys away and then held my hand for the walk down the hall. Before I had a chance to say, "OK now get in bed..." he plopped down on his bed like he was spent. He bounced a little and jabbered once I turned the light on so I could arrange things (he likes to take his pillow and blanket into the living room [office] area), but stayed on his bed.

When I went to give him his last kisses and hugs he asked, "ABC's Mommy?"

There was no way I would deny my child that! Even if it was 11:30pm! Haha.

Once I started singing he threw his hand playfully in the air and started flickering his fingers all different ways (his version of the sign language ABC's). I joined in (doing them correctly, of course) and he shot up like a rocket. He was so excited and smiley he looked like I had granted him his one true wish. It was awesome!!

We sang it about 4 times, and signed each time, when he started drumming on the bed. He was following my beat :).

I stopped amidst L-M-N-O to see if I would throw him off...

What did he do? He looked at me, beat once on the bed, and said "P!"

Oh, could I be anymore proud of my little two year old? His favorite letter (so far) is "w". He always points them out in words, and will point at "M's", too... thinking they are "w's".

The last round of ABC's he said every letter after me. I love that.

I told him it was time to go to sleep and he went to kiss me but stopped, looked at me, and said, "Lion?"

"Would you like me to get Lionel for you?"

::He nodded::

I returned and handed him Lionel, the lion teething toy (even though he's not teething anymore he loves that toy), and again proceeded to kiss him. He looked at me again and said, "Lemoo?"

"You want your lemur, too? Wow... OK... hold on I will be right back..."

I playfully trudged out the door and I could hear him laughing so genuinely. He was (is) one happy kid. I got back and he squealed (yes squealed) and grabbed for Lemoo. He plopped, once again, down on his bed and reached an arm out for a hug. I hugged him, and before I could back away he pulled me in for a smooch.

I LOVE nights like this. LOVE. :D

Thursday, July 17, 2008



I said I was going to post pictures of Six Flags. I will. Posting pictures on this blog is such a pain sometimes. Really.

Also, I have an essay to write for school. It's due by the end of the month- how much you wanna bet I don't start it until the 28th? OK you would lose that bet because technically I have already started it... but not really.

It's just so hard to interview automated answering machines... I mean... It just doesn't work.

"Hello, thank you for calling (___name of shelter__). For adoption services press 1. For animal control services press 2..."

How am I supposed to get anything accomplished? I guess I could email these places, but for once I would prefer to speak to a real person. What's the stinkin' world coming to? And I HATE talking on the phone- but as far as interviews go I would like to HEAR how a person really feels about something.

Statistics are so flat. Granted, that's what my essay is supposed to be... but when have I ever written like I am supposed to? Practically never. It's a good thing I have a relative sense of humor or I would have failed English every year.

...Here's to procrastination and all it's glory! ::Lifts imaginary pint of Guinness Draft::

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


You know it's bad when several of your pet peeves picked up over years and years of human contact all conglomerate themselves within one person.

Definitely bad.

And I have no idea why I named this blog Decisions.


Monday, July 14, 2008

A question, or two..

So, here is the ordeal. I am about to finish my dog training school and get certified and all that (I know, it's about time, right?).

I understand- completely- that I don't have years upon years of dog training expertise, but I DO have years of training knowledge and years of dog knowledge.

So why is it, that it seems no one wants to listen to me? Don't ask me dog advice, if you're not going to take it.

Nothing has really happened lately- it just seems like since I have started my career people don't take me seriously. I guess if I ask for money maybe they WILL take me for what I am- a REAL dog trainer. I might not do it every week- but I definitely get my fair share of exposure and I certainly keep myself updated.

People- if you want dog training advice and don't want to hear the truth, talk to your other dog owner friends... not me... because it pisses me off when you don't care enough to keep your dog safe or take my advice after "needing it".

I am going to have to come to grips with this reality and understand it happens to every dog trainer (or any kind of teaching profession) where the "student" thinks they know more than the teacher. Maybe they do- but if they do not... ::sigh::

I'll stop. I could gripe for words and words but I have an essay to write.


To all my friends and clients who have followed my teaching and have done a great job and are much happier with their dog- thank you!! It means the world to me that you trust me!

Sunday, July 13, 2008


I just have to say I have awesome people in my life! I do!

We went to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom today and it was a loooooong day, but totally worth it. I am super tired, pretty burnt, and very thankful.

Trevor was amazing (duh). He didn't get a nap but was so wonderful the whole time. There was definitely enough to keep him occupied.

I will have pictures and whatnot posted soon- as for right now, you get a video of dinner right after our adventure...

Saturday, July 12, 2008


I don't understand people sometimes.

I got an email notification that I had a comment on "Dooodooodoo" video of Trevor.

What was the comment?

I quote, ">_> WTF your baby is ugly."

Now, first of all I have no idea who this user is. I looked up the profile. Eighteen years old. No videos. Unless this is some CHILD who has a grudge against my family, or hates singing and dancing children, I have no idea why someone would take the time to comment on some unknown person's video, of their obviously very-loved child?

It just makes me feel hollow when people are JERKS... for NO reason!

In reality, I should just block the user, delete the comment and move on.

Oh, I did all but one of those things... I took the liberty of leaving a comment for them.

"...and you're an asshole. We'll call it even."

I blocked this user, forever.

::shakes head:: It's no wonder I always day dream about fantasy worlds with dragons and winged horses, knights, and magic.

Friday, July 11, 2008

I wasn't tagged... OH WELL!

I don't care much if I wasn't tagged for this. I can do it anyway ::giggle::.

Three Joys...
1: Spending time with Nathan and Trevor, together.
2: Taking pictures, or having pictures taken with Chelsea.
3: Cooking GOOD food!

Three Fears...
1: Cancer
2: Being stuck in the in-laws house for more than two months.
3: Death, of loved ones or myself- happening before a long happy life.

Three Goals...
2: Own a successful business.
3: Pay off our credit cards.

Three Current Obsessions...
1: Caffeine.
2: Netflix
3: My husband ::giggle::

Three Random Surprising Facts About Me...
1: I LOVE watching irises change size (or pupils, I guess... I watch the color not the black).
2: I HATE chewing gum and only use it as a serious last resort.
3: I think Jeremy Irons is beautiful. It's the voice. Oh, that voice....

Tag Three people to do this survey--
1. Karen
2. Casey
3. Kelsey

That's it. Have fun!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Netflix is the devil

It's awesome, it's wonderful, it's shiesty.

I was totally, I mean TOTALLY, wrapped up in Weeds season 1 and 2 on Netflix Instant Watch. The season 2 finale was sheer suspenseful brilliance.

So, as I go to Instant Watch season 3... IT'S NOT AVAILABLE! I can get it in the mail, but it's not on Instant Watch! AH! Ah! Devil.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008


I have been drooling over this for over a year now. Why, oh why... now that Nathan said I can get it- do I not hurry and buy it?

It's a weird, very weird feeling.... Like... I want what I don't have. Now that I CAN have it- I don't want it? Wait-- I DEFINITELY still want it.

Why don't I just buy it? I'm so strange. Anyone have an explanation? I'm not feelin' so wise right now.

Monday, July 7, 2008

How far is too far?

It has recently been brought to my attention that a certain company ::coughAPXcough:: will officially NOT be hiring "smokers" for the full-time service technician positions.

Now, I am not what one would call a smoking advocate (or even enthusiast) but doesn't this strike you as a bit... absurd?

What happens if a customer complains that the technician smells like cigarette smoke? The technician gets reprimanded?

What happens when several customers complain about several different technicians smelling like cigarette smoke? The technicians get reprimanded, and a tighter code of conduct be enforced?

I wonder if APX has done these things? I really, honestly, would LOVE to know what has led a multi-million dollar company to this point. It also made me chuckle a bit that someone who didn't smoke could care less.

See, here's the thing- YES I am biased. I hate smoking but my husband does it. I wouldn't want him to be denied a great job because he smokes. His skills reach farther than most of the technicians I have personally met and his work ethic is nothing short of strong. He has enough brains in his head to keep his smoking to himself- knowing full-well that almost all nonsmokers HATE anything about cigarettes.

I just, well, I just don't know what to think. I want to dig deeper and sort things out- but knowing this company... it won't change a thing.

The more experience I get with "corporate America", the more I want to move to the middle of nowhere and live off solar power. I get sick to my stomach thinking about how things are changing (for the worse). California laws are so ridiculous now.

::sigh:: I just want to get rid of this corporation. It's terrible. Not that there are many out there that are great- but this one is definitely the bottom of the barrel, and it's safe (or not-so-safe considering many other employees read my blog) to say I HATE APX.

That's all. I stand true to what I say. I don't trust them, nor will I ever... and this superbly idiotic statement about not hiring smokers is just one more thing to add to my list.

Don't recruit outside the church, APX, if you don't want issues.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Independence Day

...A good day. Indeed.

The morning started earlier than I would have liked it to, of course. I woke up about a minute earlier than Nathan's alarm clock and when I realized it was just before 8:30am I contemplated getting up and going to the "company" breakfast.

It didn't take me long to choose. I stayed in bed.

Nathan dragged himself out of bed after hitting snooze on his alarm about 8 times (I don't think I am exaggerating). I heard Trevor talking softly to himself and occasionally bumping his feet on the wall. He is really good about hanging out in bed until I give him the OK to get out.

The morning went on as it usually does- Nathan pulling himself together for a day of work and slugging around the kitchen throwing random food items into his lunch box. I rub my eyes every few minutes or so, and do my stretching thing. Trevor runs around like a bolt of lightening telling us he is hungry a million times (within a few minutes... this kid LOVES repeating himself) as he grabs random toys and does his thing for a little while.

Breakfast is served, Nathan goes to work, and I scramble (more like drag) to get myself in order for the day's festivities.

Destination One: Local parade.

Karen, Caleb, Trevor, and I have to drive around a bit to find a parking spot (we found one with a sign threatening tow service if we don't shop on their street). We unpack. Worry about the car getting towed. Trek to the parade site. I didn't bring a stroller... it figures.

Anyway... the parade consisted of your typical local business advertisements, beauty queens, and obnoxious water squirters. I had been promising Trevor ALL morning that we would be seeing a firetruck or two (his new obsession) and since we hit the tail-end of the parade I was afraid we were going to miss them. Thankfully there was a classic firetruck rolling by that sounded it's siren as soon as it passed us. Trevor was pleased. I KNOW that if we hadn't seen one he would be asking ALL DAY to see one. This kid, oi.

After the parade we decided to move the car to a location that didn't threaten us with expensive towing, and went back to the park. Why? Well.. there is a stream there where about thirty, give or take, ducks have made their homes. Why not? Plenty of people on a daily basis to throw food at them- just like us.

We climbed down a steep little path to get the the stream, a hundred feet or so from the bridge crossing the stream. Caleb didn't seem like he was a huge fan of sitting in dirt, or being anywhere away from his mommy at that point. It had been a long morning and it was definitely getting close to nap time for both the boys.

Trevor was doing wonderfully- bless him. He is so amazing (as he stands at my feet crying at this current point in time because he got in trouble for playing with the trash can). Even though he can truly be a test to my absolute patience most the time I am definitely thankful for when is a very good kid. (Not like today, Haha)

After taking some very cute, and not-so-cute, pictures we decided to call it a morning on the account Caleb looked very uncomfortable and my stomach was screaming at me for food. Apparently goldfish crackers don't sate my appetite.

Nap time. Yes.

After our nap, I packed a bag full o' stuff, got Trevor reassembled, and headed to the Fitzgerald's!

Destination Two: Fitzgerald residence.

I haven't been there in YEARS! The Fitzgerald's have always been a second family to me, and even though there daughter, my soul-sister, wasn't there (stupid England!) it was very very comforting being with "family".

Ever since my mom passed away, I haven't felt close to my real family. I love them- absolutely I do- but I feel as though there is just thread connecting us and nothing more tangible. Even though I know they will end up reading this- I have to say it.

I digress. The Fitzgerald's home is a comfortable, well-known, place. Even though I hadn't been there in what felt like an eternity I knew exactly where everything was. Trevor and I had a really good time... and the best part? Nathan got off work early enough to join us!!!!

I was so ecstatic! He got there at about 7. I was getting worried that Trevor would start getting grumpy because bed time is 8, but he never faltered. He stayed happy, playful, polite, and silly... Everyone loved him (of course!).

8:30 rolled around and we were all talking, drinking assorted beverages, and enjoying Trevor's existence. About an hour after sunset the fireworks started. Trevor was completely intrigued... until we took him out front to actually see the fireworks.

The loud ones (screaming meemees) really scared him and the popping ones would make him jump. He clung as tight as he could to me, and when my arms got tired- he clung as hard as he could to Nathan. I must admit, it was rather cute when he would put mine or Nathan's hand over his ear when the fireworks were too loud.

We decide it was best to take him back to the house. Nathan relaxed in the hammock chair, and I thought "maybe... just maybe..." I could get Trevor to fall asleep swinging with daddy (seeing as it was ticking passed 10pm at this point).

I put Trevor on Nathan's lap, where they stayed, for quite a long time. Nathan was fighting the urge to completely fall asleep, and Trevor was wide-eyed and talking up a storm. But he stayed there. I got some mighty fine pictures... and my favorite...

It was a VERY good Independence Day. Very good.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

After My Own Heart!

I took yesterday off because I really, really needed it. I worked 6 days last week, and that tends to get old quick. Thankfully- it's easy for me to say, "Hey, can I take today off?"


As I was sitting on the couch, OK- laying on the couch, I was wondering how I was going to spend my wonderfully lazy day off. On the floor with Trevor? On the couch while Trevor plays on the floor? Watching movies or reading books?

Then my phone buzzes. Text message, of course. Karen wants to do something!

She thought it would be nice to go to the park. It took me a bit to get arranged seeing as I was planning on doing nothing for the day... but we eventually made it to the park. Karen, Caleb, Trevor and I.
This park has a pirate ship that looked like a lot of fun to play on- but once you get up close it seems like it's for bigger kids. A lot of climbing. It also has a METAL slide. Not exactly the most fun thing to slide down with shorts on in 90+ degree weather. Hehe.

So we ventured to the other part of the park. It's your standard stairs and slides type ordeal with the monkey bars and ladders for older kids. It was pretty darned hot so in all truth I didn't want to stay for long. And we didn't. In the short time that we stayed I did get a few good pictures though.
Aaaawe. I told him to stick out his feet, and he did it. Oh man, two year olds can be so much fun.
Driving us to the middle of nowhere.
He was tentative about the bridge and didn't want to go across by himself.

I told Trevor to give Cayobbin (or Caleb, in non-Trevor speak) a hug, and he did. It was awkward and totally adorable. Perfection.

When I started feeling like a swamp on certain areas on my body, I decided that it was time to go home and take a nap (well Trevor anyway- I am in the middle of Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer so I can't miss an opportunity to read).

I had a brilliant idea for the rest of the evening. Fingerpaint! I have been saving it and saving it for a time when Nathan, Trevor, and I could do it together but I seriously just couldn't wait anymore. I invited Karen and Cayobbin over after nap times were done.

Trevor slept, I read. Then....

We painted!
Cayobbin and Karen, starting out.Trevor was definitely very happy. He immediately picked up the point of what he was supposed to do and began exploring! He would use different sponges, and even used the popsicle sticks that were provided. He LOVED dipping his hands and fingers in the paint but not as much as Cayobbin! He got so mad at me when I prohibited him from dipping anymore. Oh man, it was pretty funny.
We started a footprint canvas and it was turning out really cute, but at the same time- it was missing something. Or rather, someone. Nathan. I am saving a big canvas and some paints for when all three of us can do it together.After I painted his feet for the failed footprint painting he thought it was awesome. He kept putting paint on his feet. Good thing we were painting on a large, black carpet!!

My little vampire :).
Aftermath. Toward the end, I had my own painting going and it was turning out really cool. It took ALL my effort not to get engrossed and forget that I had a toddler COVERED in paints (thankfully washable!) on the loose. I really, really, really, really, really, wanted to keep working on my painting but I just finished it as-is. I love fingerpaints! I think Trevor does, too. Definitely worth every ounce of money and time. Definitely! In the end, Trevor's painting got sat on (by him), but it still looks pretty cool. I like mine, too. It's nifty.
The End.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

I Must Admit...

I'm a little sad I haven't gotten more comments on my Alcatraz post. I guess that's what I get for trying so hard.


Thursday, June 26, 2008

"Budderfy boodefuhl"

Could you imagine a more wonderful thing coming out of your son's mouth? Of course there's always "Lung oo mommy" and "More jooce peeze" but I couldn't help but feel absolutely delighted that it was the first time he has said "beautiful" and it was about a butterfly.


Life really is amazing sometimes.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008


I've been meaning to write about our little journey for a few days now. It didn't help that our internet was down for one of those days.

I don't really even know where to start...? It was awesome!! I have been there once before, but it was Nathan's first time. I was in 8th grade when I went and I remember (as long ago as that was) that I absolutely loved the place.

What's so great about it? An old prison, with some famous prisoners, and a bunch of dilapidated buildings.

Meh. NOT!

The landscape alone is enough to make me fill with excitement. It's an island in the middle of the bay- so of course it's already cool enough. It has history passed the civil war.

I didn't take the audio tour- I toured with the ramblings in my mind. I feel like I was a part of that place in it's history- especially in the recreation area. For some strange reason, the most boring part is my favorite part. When I stepped through the narrow door leading to the rec area below I was just about knocked on my bum from the force of the wind.

On the "main land" it was windy enough to whip your hair in your face but nothing like being knocked on your butt. I squeezed passed a few tourists while walking down the narrow and steep concrete staircase. They were holding the guard rail for dear life- and I was bouncing down the stairs with a huge smile on my face, letting the wind help me down the stairs rather than fighting it.

Once I reached the foot of the stairs the wind seemed even more powerful than on the way down. I have never felt such a beautiful force in my life. Every once in a while I would lift a foot to move forward and the wind would whip it up and away and I would be forced sideways.

I was practically walking with my eyes closed. I held my arms to my side with my palms facing out. The current of wind was amazingly powerful. I was in a riptide of electricity and I chose not to fight it. I embraced it. I have no idea what the few people brave enough to face the wind around me were thinking- but it was probably along the lines of "what in the world is she on?". Hah. I could care less. Those folks are mearly an after thought. While this was occurring it was just me and the wind.

I imagined myself with wings and what would happen if I just simply opened them up and held them there. How hard I would have to fight to stay on the ground- and how I would give up on purpose so I could be lifted and carried high into the sky. Oh that wind.

Icy, forceful, and perfect. I have no idea how long it took me to reach the ancient looking steel door, doused in rust, at the opposite end of the rec area. I was definitely not in any kind of hurry. My fingertips were the temperature of a marble cutting board left in the fridge, and my ears were probably somewhere close to snapping off my head. It. Was. Cold.

The door was held open by magic. Or it seemed that way- there wasn't anything I could tell keeping it open except maybe the wind. It wasn't gracefully swaying like me though, it stood motionless and grand. An entity of this island touched by hundreds of hands. A witness to many ball games, banter, and fights no doubt. If this door could tell me stories I would never leave.

Through the door there was an entirely too tiny concrete slab with stairs jutting downward like they were making a face at the shore. An ugly face, mocking the brown water and passing tourists. Sheesh. I decided NOT to descend but to stay right there- overlooking the water and clinging to the "support rail". There were two others on the slab with me devouring hot dogs, with mouths practically covered in mustard. I smiled slightly once, then noticed they didn't speak English and were wrapped head to toe in puffy mountaineering-style clothing... giving me the impression they originated from some where tropical. I had to laugh.

I closed my eyes once again, ignoring the presence of the others and listened. I heard nothing- but at the same time everything. All I heard was the wind. It was simply astonishing.

If there is such a thing that can be simple and astonishing, it was this wind.

I reluctantly turned back toward the door and trudged through it. Perfectly aware that within 30 minutes I would be leaving this place. This place I love so much.

I danced, literally, across the rec area in the wind toward the stairs. Taking in the entire scene like snapshots in a magazine. Feeling the...well...essence of the place like very few people probably do. I could have existed alone in that moment, even though in my snapshots there were bundled tourists.

I snapped out of my daze just in time to hear two [attractive] men behind me with thick accents giggling at my dancing. They were giggling. It's not every day you get to hear two foreigners giggle in absolutely adorable accents... and at your own expense as well. Let's just say I was lifted higher. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face if I tried. But why would I even try?

I took my time up the stairs, saying my goodbyes the the wind, and the rec area. Looking over the scenery once again- hoping to keep it my my mind forever. There were a few people squeezing passed me to trek down the stairs, and then I nodded and turned around. Time to find my family.

I walked as slow as I possibly could through the torrent of humans, lost in the audio tour, with out feeling claustrophobic. I walked passed the solitary confinement cells, shuttered, and turned away. Most people can walk in and out of those cells without feeling much aside from a flash of interest and curiosity... I can't even walk near them. It almost feels like MANY have died in them- even though I know that's not true. There are, on the other hand, still a lot of heavy emotions and fear left in them. Things in which I care not to let drag me down from my wind-high.

As I darted through conversations, picture takers, tour guides, and rangers, I finally found myself in the gift shop. I browsed a bit- looking for one thing in particular and of course, they didn't have it. I didn't see my curly headed husband, or intense two year anywhere- so I sent a text, and went outside.

The wind was barely a whisper compared to the rec area- even though it seemed like people were whining enough about the cold and wind. I found a "perch" of sorts and debated whether or not I felt like being told by a ranger I wasn't allowed to sit up there. I said to myself, "Hell with it," and hopped up. The perch was actually just a large cement...err...pole... with a flat surface that stood just below my chest. It held the last remnants of a cement guard rail in place at the top of the steep path leading to the main prison area. Chain link fences, antique barbed wire, and bird poop did not alter my opinion. This place is absolutely magnificent. I sat indian style atop the perch, and stared (for a mighty long time) over the water. To the shore. I counted sail boats. I imagined who the people were sailing, and wondered if they have ever felt as I did then. I hoped they had. I hope that every one has. Of course.

I meditated for who knows how long. I was called back to reality when my phone chimed with a text message. I really didn't want to check it because I knew it would darken my illumination. I did anyway. I have to. It's a compulsion... sort of like imagining myself with wings. It just has to happen.

The text message was seriously a random one, but still... it put me back in reality. I replied- then managed to dial the numbers to call my husband. I had no idea where anyone was. My fingertips felt like they didn't exist and my face was frozen in this sort of half grin, half pout face.

Before I knew it, I was purchasing a t-shirt for my kid, and then on the boat to go home. It ended too soon. At least it was everything and more that I remembered it as.

Did you know there is talk of tearing Alcatraz down and putting a world union center on the island? If that happened- a part of me would be lost forever... a part that is more confusing and beautiful than most parts of me.

I have no idea what it is that links me with The Rock. Yet, it's there and it is strong. Stronger than I have ever felt anywhere. It makes me wonder how I am going to feel when I see Machu Picchu.

Saturday, June 21, 2008


I like that the movie "Cars" by Disney/Pixar has music playing in the background through almost the entire thing... but not like real background music... like when he's in Radiator Springs paving the road it sounds as though one of the stores has music playing through a PA.

It's clever.

As you may have guessed I am getting back to my normal self. The last few days were a fight within myself- and as it was predicted by many people who know me- I was strong enough to get rid of the funk. The monster. The hell that was inside.

It's gone. I know it will come back, but in the meantime I will sit here with a triumphant smile on my face. I know I am strong...


In other news, Chelsea and Joel got new tattoos and OF COURSE that makes me want another one. I am always game. So, it's either a Tiffany's necklace (that I have wanted for almost 2 years), a tattoo, or spending money in Boston. LOL. So many wonderful things to waste my money on.

I have to try and save. ::sigh:: It's so hard!!!!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I wouldn't dare say that very few people know the "real me". This is because of the fact I rarely act like anything other than myself. Once you're my friend- you know I am weird.

There are a few people, however, on this planet that have without a doubt truly gotten to know [and relatively understand] the REAL me.

This blog is dedicated to you- my most dear and loved friends. The ones that may have been lost for a few years here and there, but always managed to return with a smile. The ones that have come to me by chance or fate. The ones.


There is one thing in this world that will never, ever fail to make me smile. That is you- showing me- you are a part of my life. Via text, email, phone call, IM, letter, card... You get the idea.

So as you read this, if you know me and aren't one of the happenchancepasserbys, know that you are truly appreciated. And loved.

Thank you.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

I promised, Didn't I?

Like I said, the cupcakes were a hit. Guess what, though... we searched EVERYWHERE for the candles I got. Not in any bags, on tables, on the ground, in the pool [heh], or in our apartment. Apparently there was a greater force saying no blowing out candles for this two year old.

All the folks that came seemed to have a nice time... nothing crazy... but nice at least. It was always a pleasure seeing Caleb, Karen, and Brandon. That is one cute kid. :D

Trevor is a very serious present opener. He takes his time, and maticulously gets every piece of paper off the toy. He also makes sure the trash is taken care of, instead of throwing it on the ground. Gotta love that.

As you may have guessed I haven't perfected the art of picture posting on this blog yet. It's quite a process and between my relative ADD, a two year old, and a "process"- I get flustered and leave it as is. Muhaha. Take that.

Also, I don't get the urge to proof read and edit my run-ons. You get to read the sentences as they flow from my brain. I guess it's a good thing I can spell well. Otherwise I would probably drive you nuts.

Trevor also experience something new on Sunday. He was standing at the edge of the spa making faces at Justun and one of the guys threw a football (from across the ENTIRE POOL to the spa, aiming at Justun) and sure enough- it WACKED Trevor in the back and he shot face first into the spa. He knocked his forehead, nose, and upper lip on the steps. Justun pulled him up out of the water and I scooped him up and held him close. I remained calm. My son is not a fan of putting his face, head, or anything close, in the water so I thought for sure he was going to lose his composure and freak out. Bless his heart, he babbled a bit, tried to regain his breath, then simply looked at me and said "football," What a freakin' trooper. The guy that threw the ball is lucky I didn't pummel him. Or...rather... maybe I am lucky I didn't pummel him seeing as he is about 5 times my size! Haha.

Last picture because this is an utter pain in the patooty...

Monday, June 16, 2008


This is officially my 100th post. Congrats to moi. Haha.

Trevor's birthday party was a fun time- if you minus the fact my uncle didn't show because I heard [through the grapevine] he didn't have a present for Trevor.

Here's the deal: I haven't seen him in YEARS and when he called to RSVP I cried because I was so happy to hear from him and I told him how much it meant to me that we were going to see each other again. I guess some people don't understand what it means to be geniunely excited to "see" someone after years. Ya know, he didn't even call me. Apparently he was going to.


I also completely FORGOT to get hot dogs. Seriously? At a BBQ- I forgot to get hot dogs. My brother brought a steak (to cut up for sandwiches) and some ribs... but certainly not enough to fill every one up so for seconds we were going to make hotdogs and BBQ'd corn.

I had to send Nathan out right at 5 to get hot dogs because I spaced it. I am such a terrible party planner. I felt so disheveled and idiotic because I felt like people were bored, or starving.

I like throwing parties, but let's face it- I'm not the best party planner. I must have everything written down and taken care of at least 2 days BEFORE the event or I just lose it. No more "day of" stuff. Haha.

In other news, my cupcakes were a hit....and so was the corn. Trevor had a bunch of fun and got some absolutely wonderful and perfect presents. I am planning on going today or tomorrow to get him so more books and shorts. He has already grown into (not out of) his shorts and I like to be prepared for the future.

I will post pictures soon. Very soon.

Thanks for tuning in-

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Some Random Fun

I have borrowed this from another blog- the deal is to bold or underline what I have done in my life. We'll see how it goes.

1. Touched an iceberg
2. Slept under the stars
3. Been a part of a hockey fight
4. Changed a baby’s diaper
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Swam with wild dolphins
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a tarantula
10. Said “I love you” and meant it

11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long and watched the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
20. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Bet on a winning horse
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Taken an ice cold bath
28. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Ridden a roller coaster
31. Hit a home run
32. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking (daily haha)
33. Adopted an accent for fun
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Felt very happy about your life, even for just a moment
36. Loved your job 90% of the time

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Watched wild whales
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Gone on a midnight walk on the beach
41. Gone sky diving
42. Visited Ireland
43. Ever bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited India
45. Bench-pressed your own weight
46. Milked a cow
47. Alphabetized your personal files
48. Ever worn a superhero costume
49. Sung karaoke
50. Lounged around in bed all day
51. Gone scuba diving
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Done something you should regret, but don’t

56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Been in a movie
60. Gone without food for 3 days
61. Made cookies from scratch
62. Won first prize in a costume contest
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Been in a combat zone
65. Spoken more than one language fluently
66. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
67. Bounced a check
68. Read - and understood - your credit report
69. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy

70. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
71. Called or written your Congress person
72. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
73. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
74. Helped an animal give birth
75. Been fired or laid off from a job
76. Won money
77. Broken a bone
78. Ridden a motorcycle
79. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
80. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
81. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
82. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
83. Eaten sushi (and practically barfed. EW!)
84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Read The Bible cover to cover
86. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
87. Gotten someone fired for their actions
88. Gone back to school
89. Changed your name
90. Caught a fly in the air with your bare hands

91. Eaten fried green tomatoes
92. Read The Iliad
93. Taught yourself an art from scratch
94. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (never!)
95. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
96. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language

97. Been elected to public office
98. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
99. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
100. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
101. Had a booth at a street fair
102. Dyed your hair
103. Been a DJ
104. Rocked a baby to sleep
105. Dropped a cat from a high place to see if it really lands on all fours
106. Raked your carpet
107. Brought out the best in people
108. Brought out the worst in people
109. Worn a mood ring
110. Ridden a horse
111. Carved an animal from a piece of wood or bar of soap

112. Cooked a dish where four people asked for the recipe
113. Buried a child
114. Gone to a Broadway play
115. Been inside the pyramids
116. Shot a basketball into a basket
117. Danced at a disco
118. Played in a band
119. Shot a bird
120. Gone to an arboretum
121. Tutored someone
122. Ridden a train
123. Brought an old fad back into style
124. Eaten caviar
125. Let a salesman talk you into something you didn’t need
126. Ridden a camel or elephant

127. Published a book
128. Pieced a quilt
129. Lived in an historic place
130. Acted in a play or performed on a stage
131. Asked for a raise
132. Made a hole-in-one
133. Gone deep sea fishing
134. Gone roller skating
135. Run a marathon
136. Learned to surf
137. Invented something
138. Flown first class
139. Spent the night in a 5-star luxury suite
140. Flown in a helicopter
141. Visited Africa
142. Sang a solo
143. Gone spelunking
144. Learned how to take a compliment
145. Written a love-story

146. Seen Michelangelo’s David
147. Had your portrait painted
148. Written a fan letter
149. Spent the night in something haunted
150. Owned a St. Bernard or Great Dane
151. Ran away
152. Learned to juggle
153. Been a boss
154. Sat on a jury
155. Lied about your weight
156. Gone on a diet
157. Found an arrowhead or a gold nugget
158. Written a poem
159. Carried your lunch in a lunch box
160. Gotten food poisoning
161. Gone on a service, humanitarian or religious mission
162. Hiked the Grand Canyon
163. Sat on a park bench and fed the ducks
164. Gone to the opera
165. Gotten a letter from someone famous
166. Worn knickers
167. Ridden in a limousine
168. Attended the Olympics

169. Can hula or waltz
170. Read a half dozen Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys books
171. Been stuck in an elevator (Oh man no way...I would DIE!)
172. Had a revelatory dream
173. Thought you might crash in an airplane (everytime I fly LOL)
174. Had a song dedicated to you on the radio or at a concert
175. Saved someone’s life
176. Eaten raw whale
177. Know how to tat, smock or do needlepoint
178. Laughed till your side hurt
179. Straddled the equator
180. Taken a photograph of something other than people that is worth framing
181. Gone to a Shakespeare Festival
182. Sent a message in a bottle
183. Spent the night in a hostel
184. Been a cashier
185. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
186. Joined a union
187. Donated blood or plasma
188. Built a campfire
189. Kept a blog (duh)
190. Had hives
191. Worn custom made shoes or boots
192. Made a PowerPoint presentation
193. Taken a Hunter’s Safety Course
194. Served at a soup kitchen
195. Conquered the Rubik’s cube
196. Know CPR
197. Ridden in or owned a convertible
198. Found a long lost friend

199. Helped solve a crime
200. Responded to a NJP newsletter