Sometimes, I get so sad.... I miss my mom so much it reopens the tear that happened the day we found out she had cancer.
Watching movies with scenes of folks in ICU beds, seeing a mom hold her full grown daughter's hand as they walk in the mall, having a question I knew she would have the answer for...
Sometimes, it's just entirely too hard.
Sometimes, I wish as though I was there for her more when she was suffering. I wish I was there when she passed away. I wish I could have told her I loved her one more time. I wish I could hold her hand, to let her know, I was proud of her, and she is the best mom ever. I wish I could tell her she is the biggest influence in my life and I always embrace her memory. I wish I could tell her I want to be just like her.
If I knew then what I know now about healing. I feel regret, anger, sadness, selfishness...
I just can't help it. I know feeling this way can't change anything, and it causes more trouble than anything else- but oh well. Time doesn't heal the pain. It never goes away. All time does is provide ways to distract us.
I'm not especially sad for too long, but on occasion I will burst into tears because the pain is too overwhelming.
I miss her. I miss her so much.