Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Winds of Change

Oh hello there.

Season greetings and all that. How was your holiday season? Can't say mine was too bad, but I'm thankful it's almost over.

There's an approaching change coming that I fully believe will settle my restless heart and spirit (if only just a little). No guarantees, but then again life doesn't offer those, so I'll just take what I can get.

Do you ever wake up in the morning and wonder, "Wow. How in the world did I survive all that?"

I don't.

But that's because I KNOW how. See? Tricked you a little there, didn't I?

The key is to stay positive and remain calm. Easier said than done I'm afraid, but nevertheless in the end the actions pay off. Big time.

Do not give up. Do not play the victim. The world, the universe, is filled with generosity of all shapes and sizes- simply accept that, and you'll see what I mean.

On that note, I'm not telling you to be a beggar. Unless you want to beg... There might be luck in that. I've never tried.

Ah, sorry... Anyway...

Don't play the victim. I whined and complained about my experiences in the last few weeks and all that only got worse. I attempted to quiet my temper but it was boiled up to the point of spill over.


There was my boyfriend.

Thank the universe for him! He kept his head level, his frustration out of it, and his irritation with the whole situation at bay. His undeniable strength saved the day (or in this case saved the month and $800 Hehe).

A lesson learned, though I believe I did my best at the time.

It's all we really can do.  Try our best.

Go out and smile, live life like there is endless love (well, because it's true!) and when things get a little rough...or a lot... Breathe and face it. Stay positive.

We each fight our own battles, and we each have allies.

Happy New Year you guys. Thanks for stopping by and sharing some time with me.


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Please excuse my last post. I feel better now.

It is times like these I become ever more grateful for dear friends, amazing loved ones, and good karma.

Seriously though, this has been a turbulent 24 hours.  I can't wait for some peace! Goozfwabah!

Evicted by Liars

Ah, misunderstandings. They can be fun, can't they?

Especially when they occur between honest people & liars.

Pretty much means it doesn't matter what valid points you have, or facts, it's not going to work out to benefit anyone.

Needless to say "you suck".

The next two weeks hold anxiety & I'm sure a fair amount of dirty trash talking & sabotage.  I can promise one thing: it won't be from us.

You, evil roommates, will get your karma. You will get it hard & slow, & we won't be around to blame for your terrible lives.  We will fight for our rights no matter what horrid things you wish to accuse us of (for example animal abuse & child harassment).

Please forgive my forthrightness, but: SCREW YOU TONY, IRENE, & RAILEEN.

Wow, I said it. Generally I like to take a deep breath and look on the bright side before setting anything in stone (or in this case glorified 1's & 0's) but here I am, unable to contain my frustration & hurt.

Our integrity is a value we hold most dear. We are trying our best to be GOOD people. No one deserves to be accused of ugly things, especially when there is no proof- just word vs. word.  And not to say that every 11 year old girl is a liar, but this particular gem definitely embellished to make us look bad, especially my "husband". Why should we care if this girl has no friends, spends all of her free time making a huge mess in the kitchen or on her butt, on the torn up couch playing video games rated M featuring violence, sex & cussing? Because she lies about us to her parents who eat up every single little word like she is an angel. I'm pretty sure she hates us because she hasn't been able to wrap us around her fat little finger like she has her parents.

Ah, it is what it is and it's a load of bull hoaky. We will be out of there soon enough, in the meantime I really hope they keep their mouths to themselves as we shall do the same. We've been quiet, respectable of their space & belongings, but no more. You said you want us to respect your house? Well we paid for our portion of the house & what goes around comes around, so be prepared.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

February, please come swiftly!

Oh Sheesh! With the holidays, anxiety, life altering events, blessings, business, and all the madness of a coming year this has certainly been a time of CHANGE and PATIENCE.

The new year has great things on store for us, don't you think? Especially February for me.  (cliff hanger?)

I really wish I had a point to all this, but as usual- I don't.

Have a good day my friends, my readers, my whatevers... I'm off to wonderland.


Monday, December 12, 2011


She screams to the heavens in a fit of delight!

Positive thought and kindness you are always right!

Rejoice the season for slowly it heals!

In love we believe, in faith truth revealed!

No life like this no fight like this...

Stay strong, have power, for this is true bliss!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Hello 100!!

Well, I officially have 100 followers!

The original intention of this blog was to vent about life (about 5 years ago). Then, as I grew up a bit it evolved into a more useful purpose...

To spread and share positivity through life's challenges and adventures.

Every once in a while the vent sessions still occur (like the last few weeks), but we are all human- it happens.

Thank you readers (and those who comment) for sharing your time with me and the ramblings that occur.

Sometimes I rhyme.

Sometimes I whine.

But mostly- I just wanna spread the love.

Is it working?

Oh, and how appropriate this event occurs on a full moon.

Peace be with you all... And thank you again.

Back I go to the beautifully difficult journey.


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Well, we officially got booted out of our place. I guess kicking their dogs and being a bully to their daughter was out of the question.

I hope you sense the sarcasm.

But seriously, this has been a ridiculous situation from the start... And I have to laugh at the fact the *ahem* less than favorable woman took so long to tell us to leave.

I wish I could justify her actions, make it seem like sound judgment was used, but when the three people in the house that form some sort of family all behave like they're children- I'd rather not live with them anyway.

The woman gets all her intel from her 11 year old daughter and preteen friend. Being a mother I can understand how she would want her daughter to feel comfortable, especially when the parents work so much. But honestly, she is 11, and a spoiled brat. It could have been one thing we did or said that she didn't like turning into her "misconstruing" the truth. Making us the bad guys about everything.  When theoretically any real adults would have been able to discuss the situation and work it out.  I'm no expert, and not one to place blame... Though in this case, I'm sure these people haven't liked us from day one (right after we gave the deposit and signed the lease she told us we can't use their washer and dryer which I calmly, though sternly, claimed that would have been helpful information before we signed the lease).

I could sit here and list the shit (excuse my language I should probably wait to write this when the steam has stopped exiting my ears) that has happened in the thirty something days we've lived here, but what would be the point of that.  Well, I guess it would be pretty funny, but I'm trying my best to be mature. At any rate I suppose I'm trying to be nice.

So this morning I get a knock on our door, waking me from my nice warm slumber. I ignore it.

Knock again. Ignore.

Knock again. Ugh.

She starts blathering on about me kicking her dogs and it takes me a moment to catch up seeing as she woke me.

Kicked your dogs? I mean really? I gently scoot them out of the kitchen (where supposedly they're not allowed but somehow always seem to be in there anyway) with my foot. Kicking requires a swift and forceful motion. Last time I checked, I'm a certified positive reinforcement trainer and kicking animals isn't really a part of my regimen. I don't appreciate being accused of cruelty. As for Matt being a bully, well, he can be dry, but certainly would never be a bully. Unless you're his little brother.  Nine times out of ten we don't say anything to anyone when we mill about the kitchen.

Seriously, the woman is taking, whole-heartedly & blindly, her daughter's word.  I laughed in her face, at our door, when she told me about all this. Apparently it wasn't funny, but I couldn't help myself. I'm a dog kicking woman dating a bully, we find it hilarious when people discover who we really are.



I'm a bit sharp this morning if you couldn't tell. Oh, and also she said it wasn't right when I asked her daughter, "Where are you hiding the toilet paper?"

First, didn't say those words. Second, why should I even have to ask something like that? Maybe because I thought we were all being kind adults, switching off filling in the toilet paper rolls, and when it was their turn this time around they left it empty for days... (I saw tp in the cabinet & trash so point-in-case: they weren't sharing anymore for some unknown reason).

What I DID say and do was walk into the kitchen to grab napkins for performing tp duties, casually passing daughter, "Hey you guys have any toilet paper hiding around here? We are all out. :chuckle:"

The bully situation, we believe, stemmed from my man walking into the living room where daughter was cornering one of the dogs with a suitcase, as it howled and whined with fear and confusion. He says, "Abusing the dogs again, huh?" And walks into the kitchen.

Yep. Probably shouldn't have said that, but she does abuse the dogs. She SCREAMS at them, THROWS them off the couch or into their kennel. God knows what she does when no one is home.

Did I forget to mention that we got asked not to whip their dogs because it makes them pee on the floor? Ha! Clarification: neither of us have ever whipped the dogs. We have whipped AT the dogs with the dish towel, from the oven, to get them out of the kitchen. You know, because kicking wasn't effective enough. Also for the record: YOUR DOGS PEE ON THE FLOOR BECAUSE YOU DON'T TAKE THEM OUT OFTEN ENOUGH, THEY ARE ABUSED, AND THEY ARE NOT NEUTERED! (did I spell that right? Looks weird, anyway)

I guess I'm off my soapbox. These people are atrocious. It's a shame a nice guy like the husband can't stand up for himself and tell the women to take it down a notch, he and my man have gotten along fine. She is just a terrible person.

It may seem like it's all one sided. They feel like they are justified. I guess 11 year old girls never lie or perceive situations wrong.

There are many more parts to this story, and everyone has opinions. The facts though, they can't lie or take sides. I know the truth, I know we have been wrongly accused and shoved around. These people should NEVER rent a room again and if they do I feel incredibly sorry for the sap that moves in. 

Time to work. I hope you all have a nice day, and if you ever need a dog kicked, give me a call.


Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Dirty Words

Apologies for the lame entries as of late.

If it wasn't obvious, allow me to clarify: Life sucks right now.

It happens. We all go through periods, phases, stages, whatevers... You know, times in life that you feel regret and anger more than any other emotion.

Dirty days that make us say dirty things and think even more filthy.

Catch my drift?

Generally the positive vibe of my entries is meant to uplift and inspire. The last couple have been sort of like freewrites which means the negative emotional imbalances happening end up spilled to the world, and to you- my beloved readers.

Oi vey, I'm sorry about that. Thanks for stopping by you guys, I always appreciate a bit of feedback... And definitely thank you for sticking around even though most of my posts have no point whatsoever.

Oh! I almost forgot to mention that I don't have internet at home yet, and have been accessing Blogger through my phone... And why do you need to know this? Well because if I'm subscribed to your blog I can't scroll through my subscriptions on my dashboard page (It might be a flash issue or something like that).  So, I haven't been reading like I usually do. I'll catch up once reality comes back and I join the real world again.

Much love you guys,

Monday, November 28, 2011


Holiday commercials of cheer and love
Families hugging, laughing, eating, etc
Joyful children, games, all of it.

I had that.

No longer are the holidays a cherished time for me
More like a slowly turning knife in my heart

Every year I think the next one will be easier...
"Next Christmas will be different..."


I suppose the miracle will come one day... But sadness is surrounding me during this season and I can't seem to shake it.

Too many things stacking the odds.

The little things slip by barely noticed. The big things aren't big enough or miss their mark completely...

Positivity is difficult and feels utterly fruitless.

A tough time in the mind of this complicated lady... A tough time indeed.

Friday, November 25, 2011

This Is The End

Well I guess it's official, no one from my family texted or called me yesterday....and I didn't call or text my family.

To be honest I didn't call or text anyone except my son, and only said a small little blurp about being thankful on Facebook.

Things are tough. We all have our stories, and sometimes life for others is harder than yours... But... A BIG but... Sometimes it feels like you're working toward a happiness that will never exist.  The holidays have continued to be a disappointment, full of sadness, regret, and definitely (for lack of a better word) crappy.

What is going on? What is happening?

If any of you have words of wisdom, positive enthusiasm, or the like please feel free to share, hopefully it'll help.

Hope. Ha.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The other night it was pouring rain, by California terms at least, and I sat on the bus alone. Music beat in my ears as I watched the street lights glide by, putting me in a relaxed state of mind. Then, as perfect as it could be, the empty bus approached my stop and the words, "This is the end... My only friend, the end..." danced through my ear drums. Gotta love simple little coincidences. Thanks Jim, your voice can do no harm.... Well...

Friday, November 18, 2011

My life, as imagined, includes a few luxuries paired with the perfect balance of adventure and stability.

My life, as lived, includes challenging opportunities dashed with brilliant luck and good karma.

Both versions come completely stocked with chocolate, coffee, and peanut butter.

So it's good, in the most deliciously ambiguous way possible.

Saturday, November 12, 2011


Trains of thought whistle loudly through my fears
Correct the reaction
Or take better action
Be positive in any way you can

Hm about that...

See? Ok I'm breaking from that freewrite.  Sometimes they come out really cool but I'm not feeling this one anymore.

Could be the real turbulence going on right now. Do you ever feel like exactly 2.5 seconds after you get one major thing finally figured out a whole new category of chaotic destruction comes your way? Sorry for all the awkward explanations- I'm in the mood for overly descriptive long and drawn out sentences.

Where was I? Oh yes, turbulence.

It's becoming more difficult for me to turn my negative thoughts into positive ones.  Generally, it's easy.  T'is possible the reason I'm struggling is because I realized I'm a negative person. BUT I spin things around to make them as positive as possible.


See? I don't really even care to share all this. I know in my heart everything is fine, I just need to keep calm and remember to live in the moment. 

I'm sorry there's no point to this entry.  It happens a lot here.



Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Faces shoved into phones
Fingers blazing across tiny plastic screens
Unaware of beauty around them
Because instant gratification has them hooked

What is this world we live in coming to
Blind to the resources of nature and growth

Oh society, as I see it, sitting in a Starbucks for free wifi

Monday, October 10, 2011

The Dance

Riddle & Twiddle
Your thumbs in the middle
While waiting for life to step up...

Then you lose your grace
Fall flat on your face
And wonder what the heck went wrong!

Take a moment and consider the jitter
That negativity puts in your space!


Just had to do that, it popped into my head like a freewrite, so I wrote it here.  In short, I am glad I have conquered the darkness for the time being.  The strength that comes out of me sometimes is surprising. But it's DEFINITELY due to my amazing support system!!  Without my friends, Matt, Trevor, and my Mom's spirit--  *sigh*  you guys know what I am trying to say.

Well, it's time to dance so I'll say goodbye for now.  Embrace the light!

Thanks for tuning in,

Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Undone

Which is that of the one undone?
Whistle my ear or rhythm my drum?
Emotion vibration if down it will go...
To end which this is the quest to know.
In thinking my thoughts be they wary or weak
I find it endearing amidst the defeat.
Standing there grinning
Tilting and winning-
Wave of wondering: Complete.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


Hi everyone.

It's definitely been a while since I've written.  Hey- I never promised regular entries, though I may have hinted at it on occasion.

Here's one for you. :)

You know how life likes to become extraordinarily challenging from time to time?  You know... to make sure you're still paying attention?  That's what's going on right now in my little world.

Thanks Life, it's a good thing I like you.

Is all that vague enough for you?  I'm REALLY trying to be positive if it wasn't obvious.  Things are pretty tough right now in my body, mind, and soul.  This huge change has... well... it definitely tilted my security.  I'm off.  Distracted.  Feeling stranded, dependent, sad, confused, frustrated and just plain bad.

I shouldn't!!!  Duh.  I have a roof over my head, I have a good job, I have family, I have a beautiful son, a wonderful boyfr... ugh OK you guys get it.  Said it before and all that junk.


Once things smooth out (oh please oh please I hope they do soon!!!) I'll be able to gain a different perspective on all this, and in turn one can hope to learn and grow from it all.  The usual Lifetime Drama storyline, minus the neighbor with down syndrome and the little brother who is struggling to make friends in his new school.

It's not Thursday, but maybe a smooshing of things I am thankful for in this next paragraph will help with my trek in the right direction. Alrighty:

living above the city & being able to see the stars - my favorite voice singing & telling me he loves me over & over & over on the phone every night - unconditional, true, love - a great job that i am really good at - old friends - new friends- the "quiet car" on the train - getting better at holding my tongue - being able to think of things i am thankful for even though it's so easy to get pissed off at everything - kind "family" - helpful friends - readers who get this far into my blog (hey, thanks by the way...) - breath in my lungs, strength in my muscles, will power - a tv that also functions as an awesome computer monitor - healthy food - free stuff - motorcycles that run - the best dog in the world - aaaaaaand....


Oh yes Life, that's right I am thankful for you.  During a spell of negativity I found myself wishing I could be like a fox, or ant, or bird, or any non-domesticated creature for that matter.  Their sense of purpose is simple.  They have the same goal every day.  No need to question themselves.  No need to wonder, "Why has this happened to me?"  The weight of free will doesn't exist in their lives.  Imagine that.

Truth is, wasting your time daydreaming about being somewhere else or being someone else doesn't change a damn thing.  Just makes you feel worse.  I am an advocate for "The Secret" also known as the Law of Attraction so if I stay in this dark place more dark things will happen.  I know this.  I am trying!  Well, maybe I am.  It feels like I am... but ya know, it would be nice if things would just fall into place already!!

Friday, September 9, 2011


Well, the move....

it has...


Kind of a trip, ya know? We're here, and most of the "important stuff" has been taken care of.  There are a few more things that have to happen before we can begin our lives as normal but baby steps are in order.

Speaking of baby steps, I just got off the phone with Trevor.  Oh my heart.  Harmony in laughter.  The smiles and laughter that are brewed in his soul are priceless ad timeless.  Truly a many splendorous thing! (Doesn't that saying really go, "...a many splendored thing" ?  Apparently "splendored" isn't a real word...?)

I digress, though you catch my drift right?

The transition is a tough one.  Things are seemingly alright on the outside, but hopefully familiarity does not breed contempt in this case.  It's tight quarters and family.  It'll be interesting.  I have good faith in the guys, and mostly it's just a test of personal patience.

A big test.

It will be OK.  Ya know, duh.  Just gotta breathe.




...nice and slow.

Perhaps it's a good lesson for when my son is a teenager?  This experience will give me some insight into almost-adults, and hopefully help me build a stronger relationship with Trevor  (Oh look, there I go looking at the bright side again).

Life is good, just gotta take it one moment at a time.

Thanks for tuning in, my friends. Until next time- Don't forget to take a moment to breathe.


Wednesday, August 31, 2011


Last day of work, reserved trailer, over stuffed heavy boxes...

Oh dear.

This is really happening! Ah!

All good things are happening. It's terribly exciting; riding along the rip tide of chaos and order.

Side note- every time I use a semi colon I think of my friend Josh, and his disdain for them.

Back to things at hand...

There is still a general feeling of anxiety hovering over me, but having a man like mine by my side makes everything worth it.  And I'm not just saying that to be sappy, it's most definitely the truth.  One lucky lady I am.

Gah, sorry I blab on about him too much sometimes ;)

It was hard to say goodbye to my friends at work, and when the time comes it'll be hard to say it to the roomies. 

It's been a really good stretch. The last three years have been incredible, to say the least. There are brilliant folks here I will cherish forever, always consider good friends. I miss 'em already!

Ah, c'est la vie! Non?

California here I come... Right back where I started from!


Saturday, August 27, 2011

Oh Hai.

Things are happening.   Oh, dumb statement of the century.

Got my training dates (eeeep!), reserved the trailer, packed pretty much everything we can (& ran out of boxes x__x ), so on and so forth...

This is all really happening.  The flip flopping from excited to anxious is wearing me out.
Trying to take it one day at a time- actually one moment at a time- has been helping.

I've also been meaning to change my layout.  I'm not in love with it.  I don't really even like it... so sorry guys.

Blessings and love to those enduring Irene right now.  Stay safe and dry!

There's nothing really interesting for me to talk about at the moment.  I'm sorry.  Mostly I just wanted to post something.  There will definitely be a period of non-posting when I move to CA because the internet where we will be staying is... for lack of a better word... crappy.

Eh, enough whining and complaining.  I hope you are feeling well and that sort of mumbo jumbo.  Much love, readers.


Friday, August 19, 2011

Hello A.D.D.

Today is Friday.

Disney has not called me back to let me know when my training starts but both my current job, and Matt's current job NEEDED to know when our last day is- so we told them.  Aug. 31.


The anxiety is piling up again but right now it's in the form of severe A.D.D. at work.  I am trying my hardest to get my tours edited and get home so I can help PACK and organize storage and you know- all that stuff.

Ahhhhhhh!  Mini freak out!

OK, I'm back.  Sorry... had to do that for a second.  In other news Trevor had his back to school night last night.  It really drives me nuts that I missed it.   I'm trying not to let it bother me because, well, there's no point in letting it bother me.  Duh.  It's in the past.  Can't change it and all that jazz.  I will hopefully be hearing from his dad today so we can talk about how it went.  Seriously, he seems less than interested in Trevor's education when it's pretty much one of the most important things I can think of for him.  I was beyond giddy meeting his kindergarten teacher, finding out what he would be learning, and all that- but his dad seemed... well.. bored and uninterested.  It is what it is.  It'll be good for me to be in CA so I can help Trevor focus on other things than TV hehe.  I remember watching a great deal of TV as a kid, so I won't be too hard on him, but getting him outdoors and helping him learn about the world around him is such an exciting thought!

Eh what else?

Matt's bike is officially totaled.  He was rear ended last week and because the damages could "potentially" be more than the bike is worth they are just going the easy way out and writing him a check for $90 less than what he paid for it.  I guess that's fine, but he just put new tires on it and a new bike will cost to register.  Oh awesome!  Something else to pay for right before we need to move.


I'm trying to be positive, so yell at me if I keep sounding like a poop.

Don't be afraid to yell at me, I can hear you through the computer- I am magical like that.  Speaking of magical, have you ever seen this? Magical Trevor

Told you my A.D.D. is bad.

What else?

Please keep your fingers crossed for Matt finding a good job quickly in CA.  I know work is "hard to come by" right now for those not willing to look hard enough, but it seems like there are plenty of openings in the hotel industry.  It would be awesome if he found something right away.  Then everything would fall into place.  Oh, speaking of place... we will be staying with Matt's dad when we first get to CA.  It'll save us some money while getting established.  I can't say it's my most preferred situation, but it's only temporary- and it just might help all parties involved.

Everything will be OK...
I think.

I hope.

Last night was... eh... nevermind.

Sitting here at my work desk I am flip flopping between actually working and actually not working.  Sounds nice but I should be getting back to real business.  Trying not to have Lastdayplusmovinganxietyitis.

Thanks for tuning in readers, this entry was a little more personal than usual- but I figured a general update on how my life is going will help future and past blogs make a little more sense.  I can't believe I have 82 followers.  Feels a little surreal.  Making words mean something to people helps fill my soul with purpose.

So again, thank you readers.  Have a good weekend and hopefully something witty/funny/interesting will cross your path.


Friday, August 12, 2011


Did that hook you in?  I hope so.  Perhaps I shouldn't open by saying something like, "This post is far more pointless and less entertaining than the title may make it seem..."  but, this post is far more pointless and less entertaining than the title may make it seem.

But things aren't always what they seem, right?

Oh uh, anyway- I've missed who-knows-how-many Thankful Thursdays, and seeing as I am usually more thankful on Fridays than Thursdays here we go:

Things, on this glorious day, to be thankful for:
1. Being able to have a seriously bad hair day, and no one will care.
2. Waking up tucked beside my dearest love, and always being held back when I hold him (and vice versa!).
3. Forgiveness and patience.  Oi vey have things been a mess lately.
4. Not having to put a customer service face on, with only a few hours of sleep, HOO-RAH
5. Chai tea soy latte, the little things- really.  Chai makes the mornings.
6. Trevor is doing well in school & loves riding the bus.
7. Knowledge of how to take apart a carburetor (haven't put it back together yet though...)
8. Imagination
9. LOVE!
10. Strength (physical this time), and living without chronic pain or illness.  In other words BEING HEALTHY!
11. Friends!! The support of friends is without a doubt necessary.
12. I just have to mention Matt again.  Without him I would be lost.  There has been no other person on this Earth that accepts, loves, and cares for me the way he does (you know except my Mom but that's why I said "on this Earth" seeing as Mom is no longer with us....).  Though he doesn't always agree with me or understand me (to be fair, it goes both ways but that is the beauty of relationships) he is always right there by my side to help me stand.  He is amazing.  I am very proud of him and how much he has grown just in the 3 years we have known each other.  He is becoming such a great man, and I know he will continue to be an inspiration, a lead, a love, and a blessed part of many lives.  A truer friend does not exist.  And he is my best friend (LUCKY ME!).  Life has been challenging for us both and I know as long as we have each other there is nothing that can knock us down.  We are a couple, a team, and a bond that surpasses most things people can imagine.  Truly my soul mate, my best friend, my lover, my boyfriend, and so much more!  Thank you Matt for everything. I love you so much.

Friday, August 5, 2011


...Oh so relative.  A gift. A curse. A menace. A blessing.

Know what I mean?  Well, the move is now scheduled for September 1.  Only a month off target, so we can't be too offset can we?

Good news!  I got a job already in So. Cal.  I will be joining the magical crew in the Disneyland Entertainment Dept. doing what I did a few *cough, 8, cough* years ago.  The audition was grueling!  Do something, wait wait wait, do something wait wait wait, move on to next round.  Rinse and repeat. It was a 12 hour day when all was said and done and I was exhausted (ironically exhausted from waiting all day?).  Though everything came out alright, this isn't the light at the end of the tunnel just yet.

There is still SO much to accomplish before the move can be made successfully.  As most of you are aware living in CA is not cheap.  It's hard to find a decent place, for a couple, with two dogs that doesn't cost something outrageous.

We're keeping our chins up and staying positive.

I'm kinda waiting for a miracle.  We'll see.

I hope you all are having a great day, and there is so much more I want to write about but you know how that goes...

See ya when I see ya.  Thanks for stopping by!!


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Testing, One Two, Testing

What do you think of the new layout?  I'm not entirely convinced, I think the colors are just...well, no they're fine, it's the layout it's kind of... well...

I guess it looks OK, for now, but I'm not totally in love.  I kinda miss my old layout.  Should I go back?


Saturday, July 16, 2011

It's 8:45pm & I'm drinking chai...

Trevor just called :)  It's so fun talking to him on the phone.  Half the time I can't understand what he is saying (I don't have the best hearing on the phone for some reason but everywhere else it's fine...).  He always tells me he loves me forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever (and so on)...oh too many cute words to say about him.  I'll stop for now and see how far I can get on another topic.

We'll talk about something I've experienced twice in the last three years instead.  Though it's not adorable and awe-worthy, here we go anyway: Complete diet change.

Three years ago, in February, I became a vegetarian to improve digestion (it worked!!), and July 1 this year I have chosen to try a gluten-free diet for various reasons.  My goal is three months, in hopes it'll help me stay healthy and energetic in this upcoming busy/stressful time of year.  There may not be anything more physically important than being aware of what we put in our bodies... it doesn't all have to be good, just know what it does to ya, and how to make sure you body bounces back to homeostasis.   Oh sheesh, I'm rambling.

The point of that statement is I've been about 95% successful in this diet change.  There were a few things I ate before considering the fact it may contain gluten.... and a few things I just wanted to eat.  Oh I know, I certainly shouldn't cheat this, but thankfully I'm not allergic-we are purely experimental at this point. It must be said the specialty foods are more expensive but so far the switch has been well worth the money.  Finding new challenges, trying new things, and being healthy... can't find the bad in that. :)

Trevor is five now.  He starts kindergarten on Aug 3rd, which I've booked a turn around flight for.  Had the circumstances been a little different I'd probably be researching the school, talking to teacher(s), preparing Trevor, that sort of thing... but there's no way to know for sure.  It's all in my imagination at this point.  I've been trying to do as much as I can, and I know (KNOW) there is more I could be doing... but... but....

You know the drill.  I've done my best. The world is full of crud and bad things happen and people forget how to get along with each other, or can't/won't get along with each other... or life (i.e. MONEY >:\) gets in the way...

We will be in California soon.  No matter what.  Not as soon as we had hoped, but it is happening.  We want to make sure we leave no loose ends here in Utah, be prepared for the move.  I guess you could say we're trying to be mature and grown up about it.  We laugh a lot through this stressful time, make all the time "quality time", so I believe things will work out for the best.

Thanks for tuning in.... oh and did you notice how I went right back to Trevor there?  Happens, when you're in love that is.

And I certainly am in love!

Friday, July 1, 2011


I have many fond memories of summer BBQ's throughout the years; camping, fireworks, that sort of thing... but one year something extraordinary happened, and it goes a little something like this:

Sitting on the base of the lifeguard tower was the best spot on that Independence evening, as the scattered humans along the beach hustled and bustled preparing to watch the Oceanside fireworks show.  We didn't need chairs, and our butts weren't going to get wet in the sand.  Hooray for that.

More than thirty, though I'd say less than fifty, folks filled into the moon shaped cove.  Chattering and laughing.  My partner in crime and I wiggled with impatience (and chilliness) when the inspiration to start singing our National Anthem smacked us in the metaphorical face.

We started singing, and within a few seconds over half the beach raised their voices and joined the melody.  I cried because it was so cool- and I was like 14.  What a sap.

Definitely one of the more emotional things I've ever been a part of.  Felt like a musical, without the dancing.  It was the scene where the main characters are going through a big emotional climax moment.  Know what I mean?

Ah, regardless-  HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!  T'is a beautiful world and nation we have.  Some of us may believe there is something better out there.  We all have our faults, and we all have our strengths.  Your perspective is the most powerful tool in your toolbox.  Change how you see yourself, your world, and your life- and accept that LIFE IS GOOD.  OK, now I'm just on a soapbox.  It's fun up here, short people need to stand on things to get their point across (or reach something in the cabinet above the oven).

The Eye

Beauty, they say, is in the eye of the beholder.

What becomes of those who see beauty in everything?

Monday, June 20, 2011

I guess I will always be...

...A California girl.

Yes, it's in my blood and my soul.  Both physical and mental.  I just don't know what it is, but I thought I would loathe it this time around.

Nope, I'm ready.

This weekend was a beautiful adventure.  Filled with family and LOTS of driving.  I've already adapted myself to the way Californians drive and dare I say- it's more fun than driving here.  YES there are too many freeways and all of which could be at standstill traffic at any given time, but I suppose it comes with the territory.

It's going to be a challenge getting ourselves happily situated in SoCal when the time comes, but I know it's going to work.  I didn't feel nearly as dreadful about CA this time around.  Maybe this means I've grown up a little, and I have a better control of my own destiny?  Feels something like that.

Wish us luck, we're going to need it- and a small miracle.But we've got plenty of friends and loved ones in SoCal, so we won't be alone. :)

Until later,

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


Wow, I have 61 followers.  I mean, I knew I was awesome but...


I guess what I am really trying to say is thank you.  Thank you followers for stopping by from time to time to read the random musings of a quarter-aged woman going through life as positively as possible.  Your visits and comments are immensely appreciated, and help reassure me my words mean something.

I mean, why else say something unless it's useful...?

Because it feels good, that's why.
That's why I'm here.  Writing feels good.  Having people like my writing feels better.  Sharing personal insights and reading others' blogs are just one way to reach out and connect.  Technology is an interesting thing, eh?  Bringing so many to believe they have all the answers right at their fingertips, almost immediately- shortening our attention spans to almost nothing and completely erasing the need for memory....

Thankfully, not everyone experiences this.  Though there are plenty that still fall victim to society's pull and wish to prove something, be cool, be the best-- I feel as though there is a rapidly growing percentage of folks who just want to be heard and share genuine positive feelings with those willing to listen.  Would you agree?  I mean, step back for a second and consider how the focus has shifted from "bigger is better" to "efficient and renewable is BEST!".  *Ahem* For those of you sitting back and thinking, "All those people who take their own bags into the grocery store are crazy hippies" then maybe you're on the wrong blog?  I kid, I kid.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE TECHNOLOGY.  Here I am, sitting with my bass heavy headphones blasting Mika in my ears, checking weather updates for my trip to California this weekend, and sporting fake toenails (ya, don't ask...), but that doesn't mean I'm not trying.

Oh Earth.  One in a million.

Have you seen The Pyramid Code [[on Netflix Instant Watch- yes, I'm addicted]]?  SO AWESOME.  I highly recommend it if you have a natural gravitation toward Egypt or forward thinking.  Good stuff.  It's five 45 minute or so episodes, most of it is wordy and sometimes it's all over the place- but if you sit through the duration there is brilliant insight to be had.

Yes, I've had a few glasses of wine, but I am celebrating.  I will be with my son tomorrow.  Just thinking about it makes me want to tear up.... I can't believe I survived SIX months without seeing him.  Yes, I feel like a terrible mom (I know I'm not, but it eats me up inside everyday and night...), I feel empty and lost without fulfilling my purpose...

*Clears throat*  Alright enough of that.  In August I will see my baby on a regular basis.  I will be his Mom.  I will be his AWESOME mom.  I have no doubt moving to California will be hard, but every time I wrap my arms around that incredibly intelligent, creative little man things will fall into place.

Life IS good. Life is worth living.  Ya, I like that.

Good night everyone.  Thanks for tuning in, and I wish you an adventurous weekend.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Goin' to California with an achin' in my heeeeart...

Everything is coming up so fast... six weeks is not a long time.

Holy crap, we move to California in six weeks.

Ah yes... Matt and I have made the big decision to move back to California.  I really need to be closer to Trevor- it's breaking my heart and soul to be so far away from him.  It's the right time to make this move.  I know it.  Well, I HAVE to tell myself I know this.

Let's face it- I moved to Utah and fell in love.  I finally felt like I was free of the anguish that tangled me up in all the negative energy that strangles California (woah, what a loaded sentence).

Perhaps.... yes, perhaps I am strong enough now to take California head on.  To face new challenges and move above and beyond all the petty BS that is the society & economy.  I do have a certain level of angst and fear going into this move, as we will be left with virtually no funds, and currently haven't found jobs or a home...

...Hey didn't I say I was trying to be positive?  Ya, about that...

Switching subject: A telephone conversation (for lack of a better word) a couple nights ago left me shaking and overwhelmed.  I finally broke my barrier of control and let EVERYTHING out.  I said EVERYTHING I wanted to say.  Oh dear me, a lady would never expel such things.

Good thing I'm not much of a lady (unless the occasion calls for it, but I digress).

The general outcome of all this is really really positive.  It wasn't easy to hear some things that were said, nor was it easy to say things I said.  What's done is done.  Hopefully from here on out things will be a little, eh, easier.  I know it's just a Band-Aid brand bandage on a seething wound but perhaps with proper care and time the wound will just become a scar?

Oh metaphors.  So fun.

In other news I've finally knocked down my artists' block.  Thank goodness.  I have a feeling MAKING myself do something original for my resume is the kick starter.  I'm feeling all rejuvenated and creative and junk.  Ya, well, maybe mostly junk.

I've got ads to scour and laundry to attend, so I will leave y'all ("you all" for the anti-slang fans) with a parting ditty:

...nope, got nothing.  Told ya, mostly junk.


Thursday, June 9, 2011

A flow
Not unknown
But shrouded in guise.

I will uncover
I will discover
The Divine.

This path we walk, we run, we trot
Is winding tied up in knots
Why must we meander on
Telling ourselves to stay strong...?

Reaching outward for answers,
Though the answer is clear:
Reach inward for peace
And be rescued from fear.

Easier said than done I'm afraid
Losing sight of what is important
Along our way

Help me dear, Help me friend-
This transition, this change
Is both beginning and end...

A confusion bred in fact
A conclusion bred in mystery

I feel I have learned so much

Yet here I am

Sitting here

Babbling on

Understanding almost


Monday, May 23, 2011

Close to Home

Ah yes, it's been quite a while since the clacking of keys has provided enough "release", so I haven't been writing.  It's a cathartic thing for me, and I pretty much only write when something is...well... at least I try to be... interesting.

On Sunday, my sister called me as I was just arriving at a friend's house for dinner.  The first thing I heard was, "Before you hear anything anywhere else, or see the news, everyone is OK."

I lifted my eyebrows and took the bate, "Wait, what? What happened?!"

As the details flowed I learned a HUGE tornado hit my sister's home town.  My Aunt Penny, Uncle Bill, and cousin Amy also live there... not to mention all their assorted loved ones and friends.

Thankfully, my family has not been hurt, but their house has lost its roof as well as all the contents of the home! Memories,  collectables, material items that have lived in that house for decades.  It is a genuine gift to have them safe and unharmed, but a heart breaking feeling to know they've lost so much so fast.

I feel so helpless watching videos of the devastation.  I am wrestling ideas around in my head wondering how in the world I can help... I am considering flying out there to volunteer with Red Cross or search and rescue teams.  I've just never been so close to, and so far away from, a disaster.   The empathy is inescapable.  I wish a was a kwabillionaire so I could immediately start rebuilding the homes lost.

....*sigh*.  I love you Family, I am so incredibly thankful no one has been hurt or lost in all this.  I am sending prayers and love, because for now- that's all I can do.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The World Spins

...and we keep going on with our lives.

Either in pain, in happiness, in love, or in hate.

We go on.

Oompla Dee, Oompla Da.

I think the most important thing to remember is taking care of yourself is not being selfish.  Creating a world of things that make you happy, despite the efforts against you is not a crime against humanity or against thyself.  Though one person harbors hate and despair- it should not weigh down your heart.  Take care of your heart.  Be happy. 

I have felt the sting of hate and anguish.  I have felt the loss and desperation.  And I can still smile.  I can laugh every day.  Anyone, Everyone has the power and opportunity to be positive.

I do not live in a fantasy world, I do not live in denial, but I do live in a world of my creation.  Seeing beauty and being thankful.  I will not let you have power over me, or allow you to bring me down.  You are bringing this upon yourself.

I offer nothing but forgiveness, acceptance, and movement.  It is now up to you to take the first step, again, for real.  Let go, and maybe you will see.


One can hope right?

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Thankful Thursday

Do you ever have those nights where you're comfy in bed, kinda tired, but not necessarily tired enough to sleep (even though I'm sure it's passed midnight...)?

I had one last night, and I was trying to settle my mind but I couldn't.  So, in my efforts to find good things to think about before slumbering- I remembered Thankful Thursday, and it has truly been a while since I've done a post for it.

So here ya go, lucky you.

Every once in a while, someone will ask me, "Why do you wear a tail?"

Frankly, my answer is different every time... depending on who it is or how snarky I am feeling at the moment.  But I must admit- the real, down to it, no lies answer is:

It makes me happy.

Whether it matches what I am wearing, draws the positive attention of a kind stranger, sparks up a conversation, or makes me feel downright adorable- I just love my tail.

I wear it everyday, unless I'm wearing a dress.  I love my tail. 

Are you wondering yet what this has to do with me being thankful?  I hope so, otherwise you weren't really paying attention.  Ah, just messing with ya.  But nonetheless, I am thankful for my tail and the courage to wear it.

Actually, courage just may be the wrong way to put it.  I don't need courage to wear it, I just like it.  I just wear it.  It's what I do.  I am- the girl with the tail. 

Here, now, is a list of other things I am thankful for on this VERY beautiful Thursday:
I am thankful for the man who loves me no matter how weird, stubborn, or moody I may be.
I am thankful for my awesome friends.
I am thankful for laughter! Oh laughter!
I am thankful for changing seasons, flowers, beautiful weather, and beautiful mountains.
...cute dogs
...good food
...gifted hands (healing, drawing, writing, dancing...)
...and so much much more!

Oh goodness, yes, that's a cheap sign off.  I'm afraid I've got to get to work now.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Good Grief!

What a weekend.

What a week.

What a life!

Things are absolutely wonderful right now.  I have to, I must, I will...

Be thankful!

I'm taking a deep breath, and living in this moment,  to further validate the fact that life is a genuine matter of perspective.

Time to go cuddle until the food coma wears off  :)


PS-  If you eat too many Tagalongs, you WILL get a stomach ache.

Saturday, March 19, 2011


What?  FREE seared tuna, crab legs, AND wine? YES PLEASE.

Thank you, Matt- for your "continued years of service" and having me be your +1 to the endless buffet of most excellent food, courtesy of Park City Mountain Resort.

Life is good.

That's all for tonight,
Signing out happy as a clam,

PS- Does anyone know what "happy as a clam" really means?   Why would a clam be happy?  And why would one compare themselves to said clam?

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

In Addition!

So, yesterday's post got me thinkin' a little more about life... funny how that happens, eh?

It came to my attention that the first thing that completely changed my life was attempting to remove the word "hate" from my vocabulary.  Is it a big deal?  You bet.  Was it hard?  Still is.

If you catch yourself saying it- take it back.  I usually spit out something along these lines, "Oh I hate it when that happens! ...I mean... I REALLY don't like it!!"

Most likely, it bugs people when I do that, but I have a reason for it... and I will always do it- for the rest of my life I'd imagine.  I wish I could just stop saying the word forever but it's a HUGE part of today's vocabulary.  T'is a word that will never go away, but should.  Though I'd imagine if it went away it would be replaced with something worse.

Or better.

I like to think better.  You know me.

Have a good Wednesday everyone.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Conscious Effort

Here are a few things I have picked up through my lifetime that help me smile on the inside, and feel like I am doing right for myself and others.  Thought I'd share.

1. Sit, stand, and walk with good posture
2. Close any and all doors gently- no slamming, ever
3. Smile at strangers instead of dropping eye contact
4. Open doors for people
5. Take it out, put it away
6. Dirty it, clean it
7. Say thank you and MEAN IT
8. Eat healthy, with the occasional splurge
9. Walk instead of driving when the destination/weather are within reason
10. Mutual respect with animals- they are just as much as part of this beautiful world as we are
11. Ask questions, respect answers
12. Everyone in the world is different, accept the differences, accept the similarities, accept the life
13. Everything in moderation
14. Accept that life is an unending learning experience and shouldn't be taken for granted or treated poorly
15. Really LISTEN to music
16. Pay attention to breathing, literally- slow deep breaths will calm the quickest heart
17. It's the little things, it always has been and always will be
18. Change your thoughts, change your life
19. If it makes you happy, DO IT
20. Love, love, love in multitudes

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Confession Time

Ya know, I just haven't been able to set a price for my artwork yet. It's frustrating! I am really excited to put the items up but honestly- truly- I have no idea what to charge.

I certainly have a goal, yes... but is it reasonable? Is it rational? Does it have to be reasonable and rational? Why can't I just put the price I want on my work?

You see, it's a matter of balance. I know deep in my heart that I put my all into these pieces, and I love them. So, I want to make the price higher because I put a lot of myself and time into them, and I love them. I. I want someone else to love them as much as I do, and thusly "collect" and item or two. But is that too much, too selfish?

On the other hand, I have the interest to charge less because I want, perhaps, my friends to purchase one if they like it- and not feel obligated to pay a lot more.

I just have NO IDEA. I thought of doing an auction, but I don't believe that is an option on etsy.com.

I can also price a few of the pieces high, and a few of the pieces low... or make the prices negotiable... but I just can't settle on anything.

I need help with this, anyone have any suggestions? ;)

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Dear Lifted,

If I were to describe how I feel about dancing again... it would go something like this:


I googled the word "yay!" and whilst browsing the images I found myself a little disappointed. Not as many cool pictures as one would assume.

I guess that's what I get for assuming. ;)

Regardless, dance class was a freaking blast and I am so very very excited for next week (and the next, and the next, and the...).

What's made you smile this week? I know it's barely begun but if you haven't smiled yet... well... that's just not cool. We can do something about that.

How about an assignment? Take, find, or make a picture and tag it Yay! where ever you put it. Something that represents the word better than the current lot. Spread the word. Let's make the magic happen.

Or, at least think about doing it.


Monday, March 7, 2011


WOW, what was that annoying noise? Oh right- ME!

I am excited, giddy, ecstatic even!
Tomorrow, I have my very first beginner ballet class :) :)
Consider me a kid on Christmas Eve with jittery giggles.

Oh, that and.... and...

(is the suspense killing you yet?)

wait for it....

I framed seven select pieces of my artwork, to be sold to the public! Ahaha! It's a fairly big thing for me for a few reasons. Mostly because being able to "let go" of my work is an extremely recent development. My goal was to frame nine pieces, but I broke one of the frames in transit from the store (what do you expect with me carrying that many frames, a cutting board, mat boards, and various other supplies from the store to my truck in the POURING rain hehe), and the other frame isn't the right size.

I cut all the mats by hand so they've got a little character, but they're not bad for my first time.

The drawings will be posted on etsy.com, and I'll post a linkadee somewhere on the side of my blog- in case you'd like to take a peak. Even if you don't want to buy my art in particular, the website etsy.com IS AWESOME for everything handmade (and some things vintage).

Thanks for stopping by! I'll say g'night with a little diddy:

A too rah loo
Skiddle bee poo
Dunkuh dora mora
Hi buh lu buh VOO!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Something Beautiful

You ever wonder why humans can't stick with being happy, and always wind up feeling sad or miserable?

Ya- me too... because I mean, being happy is so dang awesome. Sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's hard, but the general consensus is: WORTH IT.

We are infinite and limitless.
Just give it a try.

Monday, February 28, 2011

The Secret

Netflix now has "The Secret" on instant watch.

If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend giving it a chance.

Beautiful message :)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


The white noise
Hum Whir occasional click
Rustle and shuffle I can't make it stick
I can't sleep and it's
YOUR fault
You're away and I have stayed
And I miss you so...
So come home safely and
Hold me tight, though
Tonight we may be lonely
Soon all will be right!


I would love to blame it on the fact that I haven't been feeling completely healthy the last few days, and I've also been told I can't call in... but those are just excuses.

I still feel I would be thinking the same thing even if I was feeling bright and shiny.


Would you like to know what I am ranting about yet? I guess I could have started with a better intro- but rants are rants, they make you stir in your pants, make you wanna get up and chant! Rant! Rant!

Oh coffee, I love thee.

Sheesh, sorry... so the title is, "DON'T LET IT BOTHER YOU!" because I am letting something, or more appropriately someone, get under my skin. I shouldn't. This little thing here and that little thing there definitely should not add up to me completely wanting to PUNCH this person. All that would lead to is a hurt hand and a burning bridge.

I could swim across the water every day, but the point is I like walking across the bridge. Every once in a while the bridge isn't my desired route and looks a little scary from time to time, but in the larger scope of things- I like the bridge... so why burn it? Why burn the bridge when I can find a better outlet for my frustration and otherwise less desirable feelings?

Oh what's that? Yes. Writing is that outlet.

Completely not caring about what's in front of me and going off into Ginnaland of the Adventurous and Strange is also an outlet. Fairly less productive than writing, but on occasion more exciting!

The narrative in my head is definitely growling at me and telling me to get back to work, that we have "so much more to do" and "you really don't want to be here passed 5 again, right??" but take this narrative:


Because, as it seems, others care just as little as me (at the moment). Normally I pace myself, I think thoroughly in the moment. I meditate in the now. I breathe to the rhythm of the present. Nah, screw that, today I am elsewhere.

Yesterday I was elsewhere. Tomorrow, I may be elsewhere.

I've been contemplating a lot about getting a tattoo gun. The starter kits are too expensive though, and I MUST I MUST I MUST (increase my bust? No...) save my money for more important and better things... although down the line having a small tattoo business could be quite the lucrative adventure.

I feel I would be excellent in the field. The right kind of challenge for me!

Oh well... another day another dream.

I'll add "Have supplies and tenacity to tattoo" to my bucket list. I'll get to it eventually.

Now, how much time has passed that I should be doing something else? That my "responsibility" lies elsewhere (much like my miiiiiiind....) is pretty much the last concern of mine. Today is my light day. Today is MY day. Today, I'm going to... to...

to... uh...

Anyone have any ideas?

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

In the long run I should be thankful for job security- but then again being told that I CAN'T BE SICK, making it necessary to be at work when, let's face it, I'm generally freaking miserable.

I try to keep it to myself and dwell in my little sullen world... but no, this goes wrong and that has to change and oh what's that? Our server is FULL? Oh great, maybe if the one person that knew how to run the mirror/backup program wasn't conveniently busy with a multitude of other projects this wouldn't have happened.

OK OK, it's not a terribly big deal... so we work in different folders on different hard drives today, but I can almost guarantee chaos will ensue in the near future if things aren't put back together soon. Mostly because people get so caught up in other projects, organization of "old stuff" gets forgotten until it becomes a problem.

I love reactivity. Not.
I'm proactive, and big fan of those that are (NO not that acne medication give me a break).

Whatever, I don't think I should be here, but if everyone eventually gets sick I'll call it even. YES I'm that ticked, I am wishing sickness upon others. I don't normally do that- you know I'm usually all positivity, sunshine and happy thoughts. *gag*

Screw that, I want hot tea and my dark, quiet, solitude granting bedroom.


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Have You Ever- by The Offspring

This is one of my favorite songs, ever.

"Falling, I'm falling

Have you ever walked through a room
But it was more like the room passed around you
Like there was a leash around your neck that pulled you through

Have you ever been at someplace
Recognizing everybody's face
Until you realized that there was no one there you knew
Well I know

Some days, my soul's confined and out of mind
Sleep forever
Some days, I'm so outshined and out of time
Have you ever

Falling, I'm falling

Have you ever buried your face in your hands
Cause no one around you understands
Or has the slightest idea what it is that makes you be

Have you ever felt like there was more
Like someone else was keeping score
And what could make you whole was simply out of reach
Well I know

Someday I'll try again and not pretend
This time forever
Someday I'll get it straight but not today
Have you ever

Falling, I'm falling

Some days, my soul's confined and out of mind
Sleep forever
Some days, my darkest friend is me again
Have you ever
Someday I'll try again and not pretend
This time forever
Someday I'll get it straight but not today
Have you ever

When the truth walks away
Everybody stays
Cause the truth about the world is that crime does pay

So if you walk away
Who is gonna stay
Cause I'd like to think the world is a better place

When the truth walks away
Everybody stays
Cause the truth about the world is that crime does pay

So if you walk away
Who is gonna stay
Cause I'd like to make the world be a better place

When the truth walks away
Everybody stays
Cause the truth about the world is that crime does pay

So if you walk away
Who is gonna stay
Cause I'd like to think the world is a better place
I'd like to leave the world as a better place
I'd like to think the world"

Friday, February 11, 2011

Backed Up

No... my title doesn't have anything to do with my physical *ahem* state or the fact I've been marathon-style watching Grey's Anatomy (I'm on season 6, Episode 12... I think).

I haven't been reading your blog entries like I should be. I'm behind. It makes me sad when I see I have missed ::cough:: four or more::cough:: entries. I really enjoy reading your writing. I like feeling like I am getting to know you, or... I guess that you "trust" me with your feelings, your words, and your life.

I mean, sure... most blogs are public. So, the trust thing I just said could be a bit far fetched- but for me, writing on this website is sharing. It's opening up. It's... having people read my writing. My life. My thoughts and my ideas. The ways that I feel. The ways that I handle myself.

I am trusting you not to judge me, and accept me for me. To be "an ear" (more appropriately eyes)... so, perhaps I generalize that to you. Are you trusting me to read your words and not judge you? To accept you for who you are and still be a part of your life? I hope so.

Maybe it is a good sign that I haven't had time to click click on the internet and stare at a bright screen in a dark room for longer than I do at work. I mean, I am enjoying my life... but in this enjoyment I leave behind little pieces of you behind. Ha, reading this back I am making myself sound like you all love having me read your posts and need me to. I know that's not the case- I am just trying to say sorry to those that I follow. I will read again soon.

But for now, I am going to go OUTSIDE and enjoy this beautiful weather.

Life is good. Thanks for stopping by, and I will see you on the flip side.


(PS- Why does my spell check insist that "internet" should be capitalized?)

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Top Five!

Are you a fan of lists? Well, that's good because I am too. (If you answered no then I'd recommend skipping to the conclusion of this entry, the bulk is a bunch of lists).

What's with the sudden list frenzy? A combination of the movies Chaos Theory & High Fidelity, seasoned with a bit of my own personal organizational preferences. What a mouth full, don't read that last sentence out loud.

Did you read it out loud? Please say yes, I love the attention. I kid I kid. Wasn't this post supposed to be lists?

Well alright... Here are my favorites out of the listed categories, which could change without any given notice- because it's how I feel right now, and there's also so much left to discover. You know, that whole thing.

Top Five Favorite Movies
5. Death Race
4. NausicaA
3. Bio-Dome
2. Chaos Theory
1. Dragonheart

Top Five Favorite Albums
5. Smash- The Offspring
4. History- Michael Jackson
3. Jagged Little Pill- Alanis Morissette
2. El Cielo- Dredg
1. Make Yourself- Incubus

Top Five Favorite Songs
5. Bohemian Rhapsody- Queen (don't judge me)
4. Rebel Yell- Billy Idol
3. Wish You Were Here- Radiohead (the is the Pink Floyd cover. My choice used to be the original in this slot, but stumbling upon the Radiohead cover in a high quality set of headphones changed my mind)
2. The Canyon Behind Her- Dredg
1. Drive- Incubus

Top Five Favorite Colors
5. Black
4. Red
3. Orange
2. Brown
1. Green

Wow, I have already lost interest in making lists, and the exact reason why is: I start challenging my favorites, then have to go and listen to snippets of songs. Sheesh.

Completely random now, and forgive me for being so- it's just what I do. My friend showed off my novice virtual staging handiwork in her Photoshop class up at the University. She says they were dazzled. At least, I think she said dazzled. (I forget sometimes that I'm so vague in my posts no one really knows what I am talking about unless they know me personally... so sorry if you're in the dark. Shall I explain? I put fake furniture in photos of empty houses, so realtors can sell their houses faster. Sounds simple enough. Oh, and the contents of this paragraph are solely for my ego. I try not to let her get in the way too much, but it does feel good to be loved!) I feel like I am becoming more patient, as I teach myself the new program. It's called Autodesk 3ds Max. Holy cow, is it crazy! I've been teaching myself through random tutorials, forums, and blogs... Oh yes, tons of fun.

Valentine's Day is coming up. Hallmark's new blurp is "Valentine's Day isn't for saying, 'I love you.' It's for saying, 'I love us.'" I like it. Corporate or not, it's cute... and I'm almost a cerified authority on cute.

So this will be where I say goodnight. It's Tuesday night- and it has been a good night. I really start out with good intentions (a point, a purpose, something) in these entries but always end up rambling on. I suppose it is cathartic. Thanks for stopping by.

twittle my riddle and listen-
a whistle
goodnight like a light burnt out onsite


Thursday, February 3, 2011

Thankful Thursday

Ah yes. It's about time, Virginia.

I am thankful for many and much.
I am thankful for all, given the chance.

I am thankful for caffeine
Good coffee
Fast computers

I am thankful for vegetables
Lookin' good

I am thankful for good hair days
I am thankful for steady hands and a creative brain
I am thankful for pencils and erasers

I am thankful for payday
A big truck that runs but makes weird noises
GREAT friends and great memories

I am ever so thankful for love from all around
From close and from far
To accept and feel it from everywhere.

Love is awesome.

Go out and be thankful!

Or else! (dotdotdot your life will not be nearly as fun)


Monday, January 24, 2011

Throw that beat
Move your sluggish feet
Pick it up don't let it fall
Time to time to time to rock it all.

Sit, throw, back and flow
This is how my story goes-
In my ears the bass is bumping
In my heart my blood is pumping

Feeling like the sky could crash
But I don't worry- byebye in a flash.
Deep beep in my drums
Ting Tang from the slums

High strung like a mutha fucka
Fingers tapping, don't want to rush ya
But here it is- the time to run
I've just started having fun

Run, ran into my jam
Pop and lock like no one can
Smooth rhythms and beat
Move move move my feet

Roll the body and flick the wrist
Momma can't teach you moves like this
It's mine this soul this rhyme this air in time
It's mine all mine, no sour lime

Eat it, breathe it, goodbye defeat it
Lay down, Jump up, this is legit
Bounce baby, bounce baby ride
This is my kind of stride.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Keep on Truckin'

Perspective is important.
Take a deep breath.

I get tired of being patient, and wondering what's going to happen.
But I still do it.

I am not a fighter. I'm a... uh... love...er... I guess?

Am I afraid? Oh yes, of a few things. Fear comes and goes in my life, and about a year ago I wasn't afraid of anything. Nothing, literally- not even the death of those near and dear to my heart. I could ride in an elevator crowded with strangers and not have anxiety (let me tell you that is HUGE).

I had accepted that everything happens. I have control over my life, but not others. If I didn't like something I moved on to something different, or just changed the way I thought about it ("it's not all bad, there is that one good thing....").

Alas, broken down and heart broken, I cried my soul out last night. Some say it's healthy to cry every once in a while. If it's so healthy, why does it give you such a bad freaking headache and make you lose your breath? Huh? OK, I get it- emotionally healthy. Yadda yadda yadda.

I am not trying to be positive or negative in this post, mostly just ranting like I usually do. No point, of course. If there was a point that means I carefully thought out what I was going to say then went back and edited what I didn't want in here.

Not gonna happen this mornin' friends.

Oh, I am going horseback riding tomorrow!! Not trail riding-nose-to-butt stuff, but REAL riding! I can't believe how perfect the timing is. I haven't ridden a real horse (I know trail horses are "real" but honestly, they barely have brains... it's sad) since I was about twelve, and those horses didn't have proper training or anything. The jist is that my friend and I would hop a fence and go up in the hills behind our houses and use homemade rope halters as reins. No saddle or anything- just one little rope. Ha. Good times.

Can you tell I am excited? Horses are fantastic. I have always had a little dream to ride everyday.

I have been thinking about writing everyday. Not on this blog, but real writing. The kind that you secretly (or openly) want to share with the world, preferably published.

What is my story? Gosh, I can't decide. Fiction? Memoir? Manual?

Ha, manual. I could write one heck of a how-to on some things. Maybe I could write a fictional manual for something hilarious. Ah, I am not so good with the constant humor. Every once in a while sure. I nail it. But writing a satire would be incredibly hard for me.

Maybe that means I should write a satire? Why not make it challenging? Oh I know why- it won't be fun. It would be too hard. For my *ahem* first big story I think it should be really fun. Something I feel passionately about.

Or know really well.

::shrug:: I guess for now I should get to work. I am, indeed, sitting at my desk at work. So I should work.

Ta Ta for now. Thanks for tuning in. Really, who ever reads this thing may also be my first readers of a book I someday write. How does that sound?

Monday, January 17, 2011


This weekend was terribly boring. I had absolutely no motivation to do anything.

I also had no where I had to be... nothing I really had to do.

So, I did nothing.

OK, so I watched movies and TV all day, but seriously? I didn't really even eat.
Why didn't I write?
Why didn't I draw?
Why didn't I clean?
Why didn't I organize something?

Why didn't I go for a walk?
Why didn't I MAKE something for me to do?

I just sat, or laid, around feeling bored and lazy.
Let's just say today, Monday, I am feeling the same way- only I am obligated to be at work. I am obligated to work... yet here I am blogging.

What's going on? I see these things in front of me... I think they are called options... but I ignore them, and take literally the easiest way. Just the last few days mind you. But still.

Uh... why? I can't even really say why. I am feeling excessively lazy and like the world owes me something- even though that's not right. I know that's not right, I shouldn't feel like anyone owes me anything, because they don't. But here I am- complaining at work, complaining at home, complaining to myself because no one wants to hear my pity party invitations read out loud.

I am not having a pity party... I just... well, I guess I'm just not in a very good mood. Hopefully something will change soon or I might start to worry. This sucks. In my head I can think all sorts of things... you know, like: "It would feel great to take Vince on a long walk and let him sniff everything he wants" but out loud I'll say (to myself): "But Jubs HATES the cold and I have to DRAG him to get him to walk with me and if I leave him home alone he'll just BARK and WHINE the whole time".

Excuses are fun aren't they? No, you're right- they're not. They're not even good.

Oh well. Turn around mood! Turn around! Grr!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Ah, yes. The ever so standard, "It's been a while" post.

What is love?

Is love spending the night on the bathroom floor, laying next to your boyfriend who got entirely too wasted at the bar (and you weren't even there to have fun with him)? Is love accepting the fact that everyone makes bad decisions... and no matter how sad you are that you didn't get any real conscious/quality time with him... you still cuddle up next to him on the floor of the bathroom and read a book until you're tired enough to pass out?

Yes, perhaps that is love. Or stupidity. Or insanity. Or obsession. Or, maybe you can take your pick. I don't care. :)

I do... ever so much... love him.

...and he loves me.

And I'm happy.

Thursday, January 6, 2011


I just posted, but here goes another one- and in fact that one should be read first. If you haven't done so please do so now.... ::hums and twiddles fingers::

All done? Alright- so I read my horoscope. I love this thing. Seriously, sometimes it's quite quite accurate. And, as to be expected sometimes it is way off. But with all due respect, we never really know what the day will bring.


"You'll soon have something to celebrate, Cap. You may have given up on a goal simply because it didn't materialize in the timeframe you expected. But in the days ahead you'll begin to see signs that what you hope for is still very much alive and well. Let this be a lesson. You need to be more open-minded and less judgmental of yourself, as well as less rigid in demanding that things happen in your own timetable. The universe works in mysterious ways. If you can be more carefree in your pursuits, you'll offer less resistance to the good things that are coming your way."

Notice anything?

I sure did. Yay for being on track with my inner self.

A Lesson In Patience

Had one of those ^ this morning.

Something simple, but it stood out enough to make sure I was aware.

Details? Not really necessary at this point, honestly. Just experienced a moment of judgment and frustration that didn't have to happen. It wouldn't have happened if I took a deep breath, and waited.

Everything turned out just fine, as it usually does. Not one of my finest moments, but thankfully I recognized it and can (hopefully) prevent it from happening again.

Everyday you learn something. Or somethings. I think that's one reason I love life so much.