Saturday, February 9, 2008


Aside from desperation, loss, regret, and hate- helpless is the worst way to feel.

I can't help Chelsea-

I just can't.

Friday, February 8, 2008

::deep breath::

I could sit here and type word for word everything that was said during a "pow wow" that the inlaws ordered, but here's the nutshell:

Nothing was accomplished.

They explained that they didn't want my Mom's picture getting damaged so they put it under that stuff instead of on top. UH, there are probably 300 different places they could have put it where it "wouldn't get broken".

OH YA! Apparently it was discussed before we moved in that the den was ours to "do what ever we wanted with" but the living room was theirs, and we couldn't decorate any of it. It's for their things. BMIL (B stands for beastly) even said she didn't like the way the furniture was arranged and they wanted it moved back. Fine whatever. FIL said, "We just like to have a place to put our stuff." In my head I screamed, "THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE THE MASTER BEDROOM. PUT YOUR $h!T THERE." I kept it inside.

They told us they decided they wanted to master bedroom because of this and that- and blah blah blah. I was pretty much biting my tongue and screaming in my head the whole time so all I heard was, "This is our house...".

I simply said, "This may be your house, but it's OUR home."

Then FIL said, "It's our home too!" HAHAHAHAHA. I whispered in Nathan's ear a quick snide remark and BMIL acted like I was in school sharing secrets.

Oh, please... they are just selfish assholes. "Carrie lived here for 3 years!"

Well, she had the master bedroom and they weren't coming up NEARLY as much!! I could live here for that long if I only saw their pathetic faces once every 6 months.

Rant and rave all I want- I guess it doesn't help anything. It just helps justify my thoughts.

I think I gave myself and ulcer holding all my screams in.

I miss Chelsea. I need a good cry.

Oh wait- I almost forgot. Nathan was half asleep during this whole "pow wow" because he works nights. He didn't say much (even in my defense) and when they asked him questions he gave short quick answers (with a tad bit of his classic dry humor). I was a little upset with him that he wasn't rushing to my defense when I would squeeze his hand or something utterly ridiculous was said. He redeemed himself thought- after they walked away he said, let's look to find an apartment by April.

I love my husband. He assured me they have been like this his whole life and nothing will EVER change. He laughed that they said I should try to change (my OCD) when they won't.

Oh well... I am definitely looking for apt's now. We're moving before April, LOL.



THE BITCH TOOK DOWN A PICTURE OF MY LATE MOTHER TOO!! It was on the same shelves and as I was looking for all the pieces of the MY shelf- I FOUND HER PICTURE UNDERNEATH ONE OF MY DRAWINGS ON MY CRAFT TABLE!!!!!


Seriously, sorry for all the cussing and I wouldn't be doing it right now if I didn't want to go in that bedroom punch her in the face, then walk out and pack all our stuff up and get the hell out of here.

I hate her so much. I hate her so much.


UGH. It's not they are evil, terrible, unkind, or untrustworthy- it's just that they are so effin' selfish!

We had family pictures (Nathan, Trevor, and I) up on a shelf in the living room and this morning when I got up I noticed they had been moved and a picture of the younger MIL and FIL(motherinlaw,fatherinlaw), alongside an old clock, some candles, and an UGLY -I repeat UGLY- basket of FAKE flowers. There's also a wack looking (and by "wack" I mean extremely cheesy) birdhouse that I think is supposed to be a temple... beside a picture of Trevor on another shelf. Trevor's picture was moved over so it's sort of behind the TV. It can barely be seen.

I hate them. I really hate them.

Also- there's a 5x7 canvas board I had Trevor draw on with crayons, and it's one of my favorite things in the world. That was put in the ugly china case thing hogging a whole wall in the living room, so it could barely be seen. When MY shelf was arranged- it was a focal point!

UGH I want to STRANGLE that awful woman! I took the drawing out and put it in front of another (very similar) clock. If she wants that clock to show I am going to have to open up, let go, and yell at her something along the lines of, "Can we please decide right here and now if you are going to let US live in this house and call it our home? Or if we should find another LESS OCCUPIED place to live."

Sorry, but I have to say it-Fuck them.

OK. I feel a bit better. Alright not really. Still feelin' pretty annoyed.


Thursday, February 7, 2008

It might just be me.

When the inlaws come to town- everything seems to act buggy.

The internet flicks on and off. Lights pop. My dog whines incessantly. I gain about 8 lbs from eating too much junk (ah, stress). I have major smoke cravings. So on... and so forth.

My poor husband never gets adequate sleep either because NO ONE can be quiet during the day. It's bad enough with a toddler hollerin', but when they start banging cupboards I want to bang their HEADS in the cupboard.

Oh, inlaws- how you drive me insane.
Oh, inlaws- how you hurt my brain.

Also... I agreed to let them take Trevor up to Salt Lake (4 hour drive) on Sunday for the night. Immediately after- I regretted it.

Not that I don't trust them to keep him safe while they are there, put him to bed on time, make sure he listens and doesn't get away with murder... Oh wait... YES I AM!

That- and my father in law is a notoriously TERRIBLE driver. The drive may consist of wet roads, ice, maybe even snow. I am seriously fearing for my son's life.

Nathan assures me everything will be OK. Ya...OK hun... keep telling yourself that. MIL (Mother in law) tells me it will be nice for me to have a night off from my son, and I can relax and spend some time with Nathan. Here's the deal- I will be WORRIED the whole time. It's going to take some serious "persuasion" to get my mind off what could potentially be my son's traumatization.

::mind wanders::

Tonight is bar night. Thank God.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Good morning.

Keep your head up, and keep smiling. The sun is out.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Cheap Plug

...Free plug to be exact-

MYSTORE. Yep. My store. Pleeeeeeeease visit. ::gets down on knees::

...Love you. No, really- I do.

Thanks for visiting.

Otherwise... I will have to make this face more, and no one wants that.


So done with myspace. I have had to change my PW about 6 times lately and it's getting old, fast.

Oh well, I guess it's about time.

Monday, February 4, 2008

When it Rains... pours.

None of that sissy drizzle.

I signed paperwork today for Petco. I agreed to take their training course for canine education... but when I looked over the schedule for the classes they are ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Now here's the kicker- they're in Vegas AND 6 of the 11 classes are on days Nathan works!! HELLO?!?!

I specifically said: "I CAN'T WORK ON SATURDAYS, SUNDAYS, OR MONDAYS until my husband's shift changes!"

The thing is- I can technically attend the classes if we find a sitter willing to put T down to bed, or wake up with him in the morning... feed, bathe, etc...
...but that means I would be driving 254 miles a day, to turn around and do it THE NEXT day... and NOT BE COMPENSATED for it!!

Apparently, Petco doesn't compensate for travel or lodging! They expect me to drive 2,974 miles and not make any money for it?!?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHA. That's rich.

So I called and "spoke" with the manager who hired me and told her it will be impossible for me to do this if I don't get paid for my drive each time. They are lucky I have a friend who is more than willing to have me stay over... but seriously... that is freakin' ricoculous!

Already- I want to turn down the job. I know I can't. BUT I WANT TO!

On another, pouring, note- my best friend's Mom has been in surgery for several hours now. Quadrupel bypass. Things were going OK until they tried taking her off bypass. Her heart literally fell apart, and the bleeding wouldn't stop. For over an hour the surgeon repaired and attempted, repaired and attempted, repaired and attempted to take her off bypass.

Now- the heart is staying together, and they expect to be finished in about an hour.

My heart is falling apart. I know how my best friend feels and it's more desparate than anyone can put into words. For now- I will just quote a song.

"What Sarah Said"

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breathes as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak of the LCD took you a little farther away from me

Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?


I don't pray often, but when I do I mean it. I mean it...

Dear God,
Let Chelsea and Joel have the strength to carry on no matter what the news is. Please let their relationship grow stronger through these times, and let Chelsea know I am here for her and will offer my friendship, home, heart, and soul to her in a heartbeat. I love her and I love Joel, and I know that life really sucks sometimes but when a person isn't alone the hard times can be cushioned. Please help Chelsea accept love from all over, and help from the people that care about her most- namely me. Please let her Mom's path be understood and accepted.

Thank you.


AND... oh yes... there is an AND.... Nathan has to finish the month off working in Mesquite. It's about 45 mins away, and one has to drive through "the gorge" to get there and back. It's 11 miles of twisty, canyon road that big-rigs like to FLY through. He works the night shift, so when he's on his way home he will be tired and subject to crazy rig drivers. Way to get my worry scale off the charts.


Back to Petco. ARG! I am so mad. If they can't pay me for travel, I can't go. Hands down. Can't go.

___::Phone rings, Chelsea gives news::_______

OK- so Chels's mom is in ICU. I will be taking care of their puppy (Chihuahua/doxie mix) until things get sorted out. I am not overly cracked up about it, but I know she is in better hands than somewhere else. It just means I have to watch Trevor with her. He's going to want to wrestle her.

I LOVE YOU CHELSEA!! I will do anything for you. For sure.

Until I find out more news on C's Mom or until something else news-worthy happens...

I will be pacing in my living room...


I said "distaster".
I had a terrible dream last night (or rather, this morning). It wasn't one where I couldn't run fast enough or someone I knew was in danger-

Rather like: I was dying.

In the dream I was lying in my bed, and had SHARP pains in my chest, as well as troubled breathing. Then my whole left leg was riddled with sharp pains causing me to writhe in pain.

I woke up.

My chest was tight and my heart was hurting. I had some serious sharp pains and was about to cry. I felt like I was having a heart attack... well... what I think a heart attack feels like. Then my whole left leg began to ache. My joints felt like they were about to snap from my body.

I was alone, and scared. I wanted to cry out. Instead I laid very still, hoping the stillness would make everything disappear and I would fall back to sleep.

Nope. I couldn't lay still for long. I curled in a little ball, squeezing Seth, and started counting backward from 1,000.

I got back to sleep. Thankfully.

That was some scary shtuff.

Makes you think... "I shouldn't have eaten all that chocolate today, " or, "I really need to get my cholesterol checked.

A few years ago (OK, 4 years ago) my cholesterol was 18 points above what is considered "normal". That's not too much, but considering I haven't done anything to control it (aside from cutting almost all red meats from my diet), my points are probably a little higher than 18 above normal, now.

It took a dream to make me quit smoking, so maybe it takes a dream to get me to exercise, and eat better.

I am always after Nathan to eat better, and exercise- but here I am, having the scary death dream. Sometimes, selflessness leads to distaster. So, take it from me- don't ever forget about yourself.

I hope I don't have any more scary dreams, then scary moments where my real life immediately mimics said scary dreams.



PS- I have to stay healthy... I mean...who could leave this behind?

Sunday, February 3, 2008


My best friend's Mom is having quadruple bypass surgery tomorrow. I am scared for her- but I know in the end, things happen for a reason.

Stay strong, bestie. Stay strong.


Instead of my old one ( I will be using this one.



I have left the lights off in the living room on purpose. The lack of sunlight and relative gloominess outside has lifted (yes lifted) my mood. Here in the desert it doesn't rain as much as I would like it to.

I guess that's why it's a desert. I'm no scientist.

Trevor is engaging in his normal morning mischief... stealing and hiding remotes, zoning out on the television (Little Einsteins), spilling water, shredding paper, etc. In about 30 mins I will start our one on one time... if he wants to. I like to let him tell me when he wants to interact because instead of throwing a fit- he will actually read a book or play a puzzle with me.

My son, oh my son.

He now throws fits on a regular basis. Oh ya- terrible 2's.

He also points to "himself" and then the potty. He says, "pah pah". My kid is ready to be potty trained. Eat your heart out Marilyn. She tried to tell me he won't be ready until he is 3. Please, heh. She said this after she explained that having a "tea party" with my son won't make him feminine and it helps him improve his pouring skills. He can pour elsewhere crazy lady.

That's a whole other can of worms.

We will be transitioning him to a regular bed before he is potty trained though. One thing at a time. I think he'll master the art of staying in bed before peeing standing up without a diaper on- so logically we'll get him in a regular bed first.

I can't believe it's already that time. Woo. He's barely a toddler anymore. He's a kid. An incredibly smart kid (sure I am a little biased, but how can one argue when I very simply ask him to do something and he does it? Such as, "Hey T-Man, can you push that foot stool closer to me so I can put my feet up?")

I love having him throw things away for me, or pick things up off the floor. He even helps with the laundry. Not only is it good for him to learn to help out- it's wonderful for me and my naturally lazy nature. OK, OK... lazy? Let's say "relaxed" nature. That's more like it.

In other news- I have officially opened my online store. Here's the cheap plug: I hope it makes you smile, at least. Then down the line you can buy something...

.................................diaper change brb.......................................

Woo... it's funny when it's cold or rainy outside after I change a diaper. This is because we don't have a diaper pale or anything in the house. We just take the diapers outside and throw them in the big trashcan. Duh. Smart. When it's raining though- not so smart. I am in a tank top, no shoes, and thin pj pants. Just imagine me holding a stinky diaper in one hand, my pant legs in the other, and running like a crazy person around the corner of the house. Then after said diaper is disposed, running back into the house almost breaking my neck because my feet are wet and wet feet + tile floor = near death.

An adventure everyday. Sometimes good, sometimes bad... but I guess that's life.

Alrighty- see ya again soon...