Thursday, October 28, 2010

Misunderstandings and the meaning of life

Alright. Let's face it. Life isn't fair, life is hard, and life takes work. Happiness takes work.

Growing into "who I am" has been an enlightening, darkening, scary, freeing, exciting, confusing, frustrating, fascinating, and any assorted descriptive word along those lines- kind of experience.

It is for everyone. At least, for everyone who is trying to be the real them.

Though, as I read that last line I have to admit- it sounds silly. We are who we are. Even on our journey to "discovering" ourselves, we are being... ourselves. Just in a different stage of our life. Right?

To quote one of my favorite "thinker" movies, I Heart Huckabees, I have to ask:

"How can I not be me?"

So as I assess myself, at this very moment, to every microscopic molecule- I feel the need to express my current state of being. How? In a list. Aren't lists great? I love them.

1. I try, try, try to think positive thoughts about everyone. Everyone! (and everything!)

2. Instead of saying "hate" I say "severely dislike" or something similar.

3. It's easy to think negatively about people or situations, and sometimes I am lazy and don't want to think positive... it can be hard!

4. I have a very dry sense of humor, and sometimes I severely dislike when people take my comments to heart. When I meet someone new I stay relatively "normal" with my humor, but once I get to know them I take it a step further. I never mean anything harsh, but people often don't like having the truth pointed out to them blatantly and (usually) loud enough for others to hear. The truth can hurt for people who live with doubt and insecurity.

5. I'm in love, totally.

6. I make a very, very conscious effort not to judge people. It goes hand in hand with being positive. If you're positive, life IS better.

7. I go off on tangents when I talk.... or write.

8. My memory and observations skills have amazingly increased over the last few years. Is it maturing? Standard growth patterns? Personal enlightenment? The result of conscious effort? Better diet?

9. Speaking of better diet- It continues to surprise me when foods I used to love don't even register on my delicious-dar now. Like... meat. I just don't crave it. I don't want it, don't like how I feel after I eat it... Also like soda. Don't want it. Pretty much the only thing I ingest that is "bad" for me is Red Bull. Boy, is it bad for me. I feel like it's the only thing I crave. Yes, I was addicted.

10. I have no fears. Not an easily accomplished goal. I do experience the occasional worry that could be misunderstood (if dwelled on) as fear, but when it comes down to it- Death (in any shape or form), Poverty, Loss, Spiders, Elevators, Loneliness, Germs, etc are not avoidable. Whether I choose to feel negatively or positively about these things is up to me. Only me. Everyone has control over their own thoughts, and thoughts become things. So, if I can positively think of death (which used to be my biggest fear) I can openly accept life as it is. Why fight it when you can enjoy the ride?

11. I believe, undoubtedly, in love.

12. I believe, undoubtedly, in myself.

13. I believe, undoubtedly, in the power of positive thinking.

14. Getting a compliment on my writing can change a bad day to a good one... especially when it's completely unexpected. My writing is one of my most cherished gifts. I have a journal from 2nd grade that my teacher wrote in (while doing grades). She wrote that I am very good at putting my thoughts on paper. As an 8 year old I was convinced: I must KEEP writing.

15. I have many "soul mates". People whom I strongly believe I have known longer than 27 years. A few of you know who you are, and I LOVE YOU! :)

16. I'm going to be 28 this year. I feel so young. I feel like life is endless and there is no limit to what I can accomplish. Life is a giant to-do (fun stuff) list.

17. The last two years have been the BEST of my life so far.

18. I have experienced the feeling of enlightenment... I am really looking forward to feeling it again. (Duh.)

19. My Mom, Elizabeth Marie, was one of the most incredible women on this planet... and I'm not just saying that. It's true. I have a good idea of when she is with me, but I still haven't seen her- and I wait patiently for the day that she shows herself to me (and not in a dream), so I can see her smile again right in front of me. The woman is unforgettable :). She touched many lives, and on occasion I feel remorse for not knowing more of her. There are so many questions I have- and now with Grandma Marge gone, too... I will mortally know the maternal side of my family through a child's eyes.

20. Everyone has different coping mechanisms. I get that.

21. If you're still reading these, I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate it. Well, yes I can, I'm a writer! I can put whatever I think into words. It's a gift. So- readers, followers, guests, passer-by, friends, family, strangers, lover: Thank you for spending time with me. You are loved and appreciated.


Sunday, October 24, 2010

The turn is coming.

Snow is falling on the mountain tops as I type. Granted- not much, but still it's there.

Now, every time I step outside I smell fireplaces warming their homes dutifully. I feel cool and crisp air filling my lungs as pure energy. The wind blows with sheer power, and all the warm weather trees are quickly dropping their leaves.

I am in no way excited for the winter... and what that really means is... I'm beyond excited.

The winter is...


The winter is...

::places hand thoughtfully on chin, tilts head upward, and ponders::