Saturday, April 19, 2008

I miss my hubby

He comes home tonight (late) or tomorrow...

I am so excited.

He has only been gone a few days. I seriously don't understand how women go MONTHS without their husbands. I would LOSE IT! I need my anchor.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The Power

At my wits end, I paced my room and tried not to hyperventilate.

I wished I could hear something beside my uneven breathing and thoughts racing with disdain and regret.

All I could do was text my best friend and plead for something to keep me in line.

The wind was racing outside- like it, too, was trying to find an escape.

I turned toward the door and decided to just think of the wind... and go outside. There is electricity and energy found on windy days that is scarce when it's still. I prayed to the Earth hoping its elements would bring me back together.

Once outside, I began petting Vince and he was restless as well. He gets stuck outside 75% more when they are here because...

...I digress....back to story...

I was sitting outside petting Vince when I glanced left and there they were. Two tiny birds laying still on the concrete. I practically broke the sound barrier running over to them.

Hummingbirds. Beautiful. One male and one female. They must have been mates...

As I was examining them the male twittered a bit. He opened and blinked his eyes! I smiled from inside out. As I fought Vince off the poor deceased female, I delicately picked the male up and placed him in my left palm.

He stayed there in my hand, alive. Blinking his eyes.

I talked to him, pet him, held him close. I don't know much about birds (OK, I barely know anything) but because of my current state of being it seemed like I could feel his pain for losing the other bird.

I felt it. It may have been my imagination, my need for connection, whatever... but I definitely felt something.

It was amazing. I cried a little (maybe a lot), and before I knew it he had perked up. He moved his head around and then he looked right at me. He stared for a moment. I couldn't help but smile.

He flew away.

I feel I saved his life. I know if I hadn't gone outside Vince would have had his way with them. He is a dog after all.

I have never in my life felt that feeling before. It was wonderful holding him in my hand until he felt comfortable enough to leave. I can only imagine how the people who foster, rescue, help wild animals every day feel.

Maybe it's time to find a better hobby.

What do I do.... What do I do...

So here's the deal.

I put up with all their shit. YES we are living in "their" house. YES we don't have to pay rent (but Nathan does his fair share of work around this and other properties- as per the agreement). YES we are very fortunate to have good grandparents for Trevor.

But is it worth it?

Is it worth the MESS they bring with them? Is it worth the anxiety? Is it worth the constant stress on my emotional strength? Is it worth it at all?

Hell no.

We are so effing outta here. We leave in about a week for 4 months...then after that you better believe we are going to RENT somewhere else. We can still look for a house and rent.

What's worse: one dog chewing up and destroying a large planter watering system OR 2 dogs that will do anything to keep food protected (even when SHE is just eating dinner and "not giving them table scraps" they still sit at her feet and growl if anyone gets too close)?

I am officially not letting Trevor near her dogs ever again. They are menaces. Absolute instable dogs and she pretends to be a decent pet parent around me but I know the moment I am not around she treats them the way they want to be treated, thusly creating a very unsafe environment for my son, for me, for my husband, or for any of my guests.

The only way they will ever change is... oh wait... they won't.

Eff them.