Thursday, March 13, 2008

Bad Day

I didn't want to be a mom today. Not in the cute "I don't wanna change another dirty diaper today" way, but in the down and dirty- honest to God- I wish I wasn't a mother type.

Sure, it sounds heartless, but I challenge most moms out there to say they have never felt this way. They may not be bold (or stupid) enough to post a blog about it, but hey.. here I am.

It must have been a turbulent night for me in my dreams. I don't remember one of them, but when my eyes opened for the first time after the sun rose I was dreading the day. Why? I haven't the slightest idea. I did not want to get out of bed.

The day started absolutely terrible. Trevor's new routine includes saying "no" to everything I ask, or everything I do. This includes changing diapers or changing clothes. He fights, he screams, etc.

I was trying to make the feeling go away the whole morning. Trying to smile at T's antics, or look to the fact he is exploring his independence, terrible 2's, etc...

It just didn't happen. He even dissed me bad at one point. I was outside sitting on the front step because Nathan was working on the yard and T was outside playing with the dirt. I asked T if I could have a kiss and he looks up at me, thinks about it, then plain as day walks over to Nathan and plants one on him.

Gee, kid. Thanks.

He eventually made his way over to me for a kiss but at that point I was over it and stood up and went inside.

I feel like crap because I didn't go the extra mile to care for my son today. I didn't try and prevent him from crying or find solutions to help us both out. I just didn't have the energy for it. I still don't. I feel so drained. I feel so crappy.

About 1:30 Nathan put T down for a nap and of course he balled and balled. As Nathan was outside in the yard I was clutching the baby monitor holding back the urge to run and grab him, hold him, and try to get him to calm down. I didn't attempt that action because he would have just screamed and fought me holding him- making us both feel worse.

I was absolutely broken inside.

I went out back because I could not stand enduring the pain anymore. I sat on the back step and found a broken piece of purple glass at my feet. How tempted I was to slice the top of my bare foot. How tempted I was to glide the glass down my arm and watch it bleed. I wanted to go back to high school when life was simpler and cutting would take away all my cares.

I knew it wouldn't fix anything- but I was still tempted.

I had my head down, eyes closed, and my heart was fighting tears. I heard footsteps. I knew they weren't Nathan's. They were light and bare.

Ayla. She was on her way over. She sat next to me and with out a word began rubbing my back. I broke down in tears and muttered, "It's been a bad day."

She didn't try and get me to talk, or ask anything, she just sat next to me- rubbing my back and being there for me.

A few moments later Chelsea showed up. I had no idea she was coming. We texted a bit earlier but I just didn't hve the energy for conversation.

There they were- the best women.

We all went inside and didn't do much beside random small talk, awkward silences, and zone out... but I was beyond help and just needed them to be with me.

When Trevor woke up they helped me with him. They played with him, talked to him, etc. He was laughing and having a grand time like the terrible morning never occurred. Oh- to have a kid's outlook. "Whatever, I'm having fun right now!"

Nathan finished in the yard, Chelsea went to finish cleaning her old place, and Ayla and I went to get salads.

It was not the worst day ever, by any means, but it sure had me in scrambles the entire morning. How bad I wanted to drive away and hang out at a casino in Vegas or take a walk in the national park. Just me. Just warmth. Just air. Just space.

The night was wrapped up by Nathan feeding T dinner, giving him a bath, and picking up his toys. I curled up into a tiny ball on the couch and "slept". Nathan had an appointment at 8 for property management hooha, so he asked if I would put T down or if he wanted me for him to do it 15 minutes early.

While I was thinking about it- Trevor walked over and put his face in my neck. He put his arm over my back, too.

He was giving me a good hug.

Nathan walked away to the kitchen for something and I rolled over (I was facing the back of the couch) so T could climb up on the couch with me. He layed there zoned out on Scooby-Doo. He scooped his arm around and scooted it under my head so it was around my neck. I don't know how else to describe it so you can visualize it better- but he basically had his right arm under my neck, while laying on his back, zoning out on the tv.

I whispered to him, "I'm sorry I was a bad Mom today. I can't promise it won't happen again, but I love you no matter what. I am really sorry."

He rolled over and gave me a big hug.

I could have broken down in tears. I could have grabbed him, and squeezed, but I just stayed still. I smiled, but didn't move otherwise. He rolled back to zone out on the tv again, and Nathan walked over to give me kiss before he headed out. He smiled before he leaned over and said, "Heh, he's playing with your hair."

He was. His right hand, by the back of my head, was tossing my hair delicately. He would grab a strand or two then pull off softly.

As we were laying on the couch I did a sort of crazy little move where I sat up and picked him up at the same time. I walked him into his bedroom and started our normal bedtime routine. I was in a haze. I couldn't help feeling regretful for the morning but I know I have a valid reason for feeling the way I did. I love my son so very much, I would never do anything to hurt him in any way, unless it was a complete accident. I know he loves me. I know it. It's just really hard sometimes. "It" is motherhood. It's hard.

I might be a little disgruntled. Unstable. Irritable. Bitchy.

But that hug was the complete opposite of everything bad this morning.

Balances. Ugh.