Monday, August 31, 2009

I would like to take a moment...

..and thank Jacquee (Rhinaffe Photography on my links) for this AMAZING forward... I laughed at EACH one.

The last one, especially, seeing as I work Take Out for BJ's. I know I have done that one for sure.

Please enjoy-

> Random Thoughts of the Day:

> I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

> More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think
> about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

> Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. (this never happens to me though)

> I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have
> fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when
> they've invented the lighter?

> Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
> going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

> I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

> The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
> recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be
> ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

> Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
> work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to
> fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are so soft.

> There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

> Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
> suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*ck was going on when I first saw it.

> I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
> becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a
> millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

> How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

> I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
> take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

> I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
> computer history if you die.

> The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

> Was learning cursive really necessary?

> Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

> I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

> Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
> test is absolutely petrifying.

> My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name.
> He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

> Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I
> hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

> How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
> smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

> I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to
> prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

> Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I
> will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I
> had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as
> in...(10 second lapse) ..ummm... Goonies"

> What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each
> other?

> While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
> instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart

> MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know
> how to get out of my neighborhood.

> Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
> person died.

> I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower
> first and THEN turn on the water.

> Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and
> you can wear them forever.

> I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be
> used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight
> woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

> I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

> Bad decisions make good stories

> Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
> profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

> Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

> If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
> probably just be completely invisible.

> Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
> around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

> You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
> when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day. My moment might be right (I have nothing else to say)

> Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection. amen

> There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
> going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

> I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

> "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

> I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a
> matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be
> friends after this?'

> While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China
> and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that
> when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

> I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but
> when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.
> What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

> I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
> anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

> When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't
> already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

> I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

> Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed
> for pedophiles...

> As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

> Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know
> what time it is.

> It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

> I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

> I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact
> that I was not aware of my condition in college.

> Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

> Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
> in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but
> I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

> My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
> happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

> It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

> wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive
> behind obeys the speed limit.

> I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

> I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday
> night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

> The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they
> had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone
> at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require
> such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.