Sunday, December 5, 2010

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

...The title to this blog- more or less a "moral-of-the-story" type of statement, has been running through my head for the past few days.

I can pinpoint a few occasions that made me feel that way, but because they aren't terribly entertaining, I won't address them here. Not that I ever claimed this blog is supposed to be "entertaining".

I spent my first real day on the mountain today. Went way up top, skied all the way down. Rinse, and repeat. To say the least my legs and feet are SO SORE but my heart and soul are on the mend. The mountain is a true therapeutic place for me. Letting me open up my heart and soul to the sky and zoom down with a giant smile on my face. It was nice to smile for real today.

The smile I was wearing the last few weeks has been feeble, and relatively fake. The massive heartbreak I have going on right now is trying to kill me... but thankfully I have a portable defibrillator and a reliable (metaphorical) heart surgeon.

I keep going back and forth on how I feel about the holiday season. I love it. I hate it. I love it. I hate it. I love it for all the right reasons: Giving, family, parties, decorations, trees, lights, snow... I hate it for all the right reasons: Loss, separation, stress, wishful thinking, broken dreams, lost causes...


I can't tell you how I plan to survive this season emotionally. Today I was so freaking happy to get on my skis, but when I loaded the lift with a hoard of mini-shredders (6-8 yr old snowboarders), all I could do was feel sad and wishful. I hear Christmas music and see mothers and daughters laughing and having a good time, and I feel sad...

A little background information for my readers who are wondering why those things would make me sad. My son is four, and lives too terribly far away from me. Due to miscommunication, pain, invalidated mistrust, and the unfortunate stubborn nature of the parties included- I don't see him as much as I should, as much as I really really really want to. *sigh* And the mothers and daughters thing can be devastatingly sad because I lost my mom. She passed away, and though I feel her in spirit- you all know it's NOT the same. Christmas was her favorite holiday.

It never fails that anywhere I live, anywhere I am in life, I miss someone. Not in that, "Oh it would be great to see so-and-so" way... but the "I've got a gaping hole in my heart" kind of way.

Catch my drift?

I know the world is full of beautiful things, and I am thankful for them. I am. Really. But if I happen to be a little more whiny and sad sounding it's because I am fighting a big demon.

I'll keep you posted on my progress. You all know that.

Thanks for stopping by. Until next time,