Thursday, June 4, 2009

Alright.

I won't be so vague :).
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As life changes we often find ourselves at crossroads we never imagined we'd face. When you're walking down the aisle to a pretty (or in my case, funky) song and all the planning has finally come to life, the last thing on your mind is, "I might not be with this person forever." That thought usually comes into fruition once you've lived with the person a few years, and even though you love them- it's just not meant to be.

Everyday is a battle in your heart and mind, but mostly- your soul.

Everyday you lie. Everyday. To yourself, to your partner, to your friends. To.... everything. Your thoughts deceive you. Your image in the mirror scowls at you for being a fool. Your heart cries. Your mind analyzes ways to get out. Your soul? Wanders.

The time between sleep and wake, laying next to another living being potentially oblivious to your predicament, is used for escape. Dreaming of far away lands, past and future excitement.... anything that could possibly make you smile. When you roll over and put your body against the other's.... it is hot, but cold. Nothing but a void.

What happened? Were you too blind in the beginning? Perhaps, but it's too late for that now.

As you toss and turn thoughts in your mind, a turbulence of pain and loss, sacrifice and regret smack you in the heart repeatedly.

Therapy? Divorce? Years of attempting to influence your soul when you know very well it's more stubborn than your physical form...? You can't talk about it to anyone. You don't want to be a fool, or wrong, or hear "I told you so."

Especially from your dad.

He did tell you so.

It's not like your partner is a jack-ass.... no... that would make this all easier. It would be easy to walk away from a deadbeat. It would be easier to accept you're not in love with them anymore.

Not for you.

As each day gets exceptionally longer and harder, you fight within yourself to remain positive and not hurt the ones you love, especially your child- you owe it to them to be responsible. You are responsible and mature.

Then why do you feel so little? Why do you feel so estranged and gullible? Why do you feel lost?

Why do you feel like it was easier being sixteen?

Because it was.

Faced with agony everyday, faced with evils you never thought existed in your mind. Anger, hate, darkness hiding just under your skin waiting for a moment to strike. Then it happens and your slight hold on reality snaps. You beat something. Never, ever your child! But you beat something, alive, until your eyes burn from raging tears and your hands hurt from smacking energy out of a living soul.

You are broken. You are lost.

You are gone.

Days pass slowly.

With pleas for help to your partner they are left dumbfounded. They can't help you. "We'll get you help."

Your mind races, "Why can't YOU help me? Isn't that what you are supposed to do?"

Desperation colors your skin red matching your eyes and the hate for what you have become. You have become a far cry from yourself just two years ago.

You need to get out. You need to leave.

So you leave your body behind and become a zombie of sorts for a little while. Flickers of happiness allow for a moment here and there of something other than just existing as a shell. Tending to your child in a practical manner, making sure they are fed and entertained, safe and as quiet as possible.

It's hard to love at this point. It's hard to do anything but sit and stare.

Before the situation in your heart explodes a needle and thread are given to you. The rips in your being can be sewn if you just let it happen. Just let it happen.

So you do. One night, it just takes one night. You cry, a lot. You confide in someone who is practically a stranger and in return this stranger, this beautiful creature, holds you. Just, holds you.

Salvation.

Hours and hours pass and the sun begins to rise. With a smile, a real smile, you wipe your face and cheeks of tears and thank this angel. Your guardian, the one who has saved you in one act of kindness.

An act of kindness is not all this one has to offer.

Your confidence rebuilds and you can once again feel like your soul is connected to your physical form. You are not just cells and water.

You are you.

What now?

The reality sets in that you are not in the right place. You are not in alignment. The guardian insists on helping you heal- and you are happy alowing them to walk alongside you. The guardian holds your hand when you are scared to face pain and heal it. The guardian never leaves you wondering if you're doing the right thing.

You are doing the right thing by letting this angel, this guardian, into your life and soul. Into your heart- into your love.

And into love you fall. Not blindly. Not easily. You just keep falling, and this savior is always there to look into your eyes and reciprocate your true love. The one who could. The one who did. The one who is.

The one you are meant to be with.