Wednesday, December 29, 2010

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...."

(The views and story expressed in this blog are from me, from my heart, and as honest of a recollection I can make. I do not intend to blame, shame, upset, irritate, or otherwise. It is what is it, and it was my weekend.)

What they say is true, you never really know...

The future, that is, is completely unpredictable and anything, ANYTHING, can happen... anytime.

This trip to California was one for the record books. Not that all my California trips aren't memorable, but this one... this one... phew.

E and I headed down Christmas morning. The drive was really nice.
We picked up Trevor! :D Seeing his happy little face feels like everything wonderful in this world.

He opened my presents at the Laguna house and then showed us all his break dancing moves. This kid is classic! He does "kick flips" where he somersaults, but while his legs are in the air he thrashes them about as fast as he can. It's seriously the most adorable thing ever. I have video to prove it.

He wasn't terribly thrilled with getting socks and underwear for Christmas, but hey- technically those were from Vince and Jubs ;). Oh- but you know what? When he put a new pair of socks on (the next day) he said to me, "Mommy, my new socks are SO COOL!" I snickered and told him I'd be sure to thank the puppies for him.

He is the greatest.

Christmas night I said, "You know what tomorrow is, Trevor?"

"No... what?"

"It's Mommy's birthday!"

"Really? The day after today, tomorrow, after tonight, is your birthday?"


"I'm going to tell you Happy Birthday!"

Thanks kid. He did that too. A lot. In fact, the first thing he did when he woke up was come over to me and tell me happy birthday. He gave me one of those "I love you so much" looks and gently caressed the side of my face with his hand. He always does that. He plays with my hair too. He said Happy Birthday over 40 times to me, and after each one he said he loves me and followed it with a GIANT hug. He made sure to clarify, "I also like you Mommy."

Oh jeeze. I am surprised my heart was able to solidify after all the melting it did this trip.

We talked about toys, friends, school, what he has learned, what he likes to do, about snow, about Christmas, about my friends, about Matt... you name it. Trev can talk! He gets that from me. Actually, he has a lot of my traits (duh, right? He is my kid...). He loves to sing (everything, even metal :D), and he absolutely LOVES to dance!

All of his kick flips and break dancing gave me the idea to put him in gymnastics, and karate. I really believe he would like it- and if he didn't, we could find something else for him to do. Trev liked being the center of attention (oh, no- he didn't get that from me hehe), and wasn't shy AT ALL!

I couldn't believe it. I am such a proud momma. He must be doing really well in school and I am glad to see he has opened up.

Maria did my hair and make up for the day (I like being pampered), and Trevor kept complimenting me. "Your hair is so pretty Mommy.... I like your make up.... Maria did a good job, Mommy." This kid has such a great heart. He truly enjoys making people smile. He was so nice and complimentary to every one- even the animals ;).

Then we headed to the Inland Empire (sat in traffic *barf*) to see some good friends. One of which with a new baby (new- 2 months old). It was a breath of fresh air, though not literally seeing as it's southern California, to get out and about with Trevor. We had so much fun.

Another face I got to see was a one I haven't seen in years. The writer, the reflector, the man who went from desperation to inspiration. I must say- though he is going through something hard in his life right now he looks good. He is trying to stay positive, and I am proud of him!

He played Legos with Trevor, and we watched Despicable Me. Later in the evening we ordered pizza, and hung out with the lady of the house. Trev really liked her. He sat in her lap for an hour or so. I was a tad jealous ;) but I got to cuddle ALL NIGHT with him hehehe.

It was a very pleasant reunion.

All in all t'was an absolutely delightful birthday. I know I say it a lot, but I guess you never can really say it enough- I am so thankful!!!

That night Trevor asked if he could sleep in bed with me, because he said, "I'm your best birthday present." How can I say no? We cuddled :) and after he fell asleep he moved around A TON! Haha. In the morning, I woke up just before he did. He rolled over and looked at me, smacked his lips and smiled. I threw the blanket over our heads and he giggled in one of those truly happy ways. He wouldn't stop smiling. He gently rubbed my cheek and hair, while we talked about our dreams and what we should do for the day. He said he loves my hair and how soft it is ("softer than styrofoam" as he put it). I asked him if he likes his hair short or long and he said he likes it short. I complimented him on how amazing he is and he just smiled and hugged me. *tear*

Monday, we hung out with Maria and the fishes (two female dogs, she calls them her bitches, but around kids they become fishes). P and McC made an appearance (and although we didn't get to see beautiful lil Ada, it was great to see my friends).

Then... then it was time.

Time to take Trevor back home. I had been telling him all weekend, "When the sun starts going down on Monday, I have to take you home."

We stopped at Uncle B's and picked him up. I didn't want to make the long drive back by myself. T and my time together just wasn't long enough. For either of us. When I first picked up T up on Saturday he asked me, "Are we going to your house, Mommy?" He had a big smile on his face (as usual) and sounded pretty excited.

I said, "No honey, we're not."

"Well, why Mommy?" (furrowed brow)

"Daddy said no."

After this exhange he looked kinda sad, but I changed the subject and told him we were headed to my good friends' house and that they have silly puppies and a great big snake. His face returned to it's smiling state and he started asking questions about the animals.

Anyhoo- after picking up Uncle B and singing songs about how much we love each other, and rhyming about dinosaurs we reached our destination.

Trevor wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. But it is what it is.
We walked to the door and Trevor asked his Daddy if I could go see his room and his Sponge Bob tent.
That answer was no. Surprised? Me either.
That's what set Trevor off. After that he realized that I was going home, and he was staying there.
He latched on to me. He didn't want to let go.
I didn't want to let go.
I wasn't going to let go.
Trevor's cries and death grip were piercing my heart and soul like fire and ice.
I didn't know what to do. I wanted to keep holding onto him.
I never want to let go, and I never ever will.
Two days just isn't enough time.
With all my strength I held back screams. I held back anger and hate.
The cold in the air wasn't caused by the weather.

Finally, we were torn apart.

The door closed and I walked, if you can call it that, away.
High pressure systems and low pressure systems crashing against every bone. Physical pain enveloped my body and I was stricken to the ground.

I didn't know how to feel, what to feel, what to think, or anything. All I could do was cry. I cried very very hard. The gut wrenching, breath stealing, sobs that leave you shaking in shambles once they subside. I thought about making B drive so I could sulk in the passenger seat....

But, that's not me. Though I lose my ground from time to time I am strong. I know that our shared pain will never be forgotten. And its existence will enhance our bond after time. We have something so incredible that no time, space, people, or place can take that away from us.

Pain makes us cloudy. It is our self, and only our self, that can clear our mind and soul. Patience, strength, love, and positivity are the virtues I hold most dear. I have faith, as well. Faith in myself, faith in Trevor, faith in the power of our connection.

After going back to B's house and receiving some tools to help focus and strengthen myself, I generously thanked him. He is a very very great friend. Family, I should say.

I wasn't ready to go back to M's so I tooled over to the Laguna house to spend some time with the guys. D, G, and E. We all sat by the fire while I told stories of my weekend with Trevor and how much fun we had. We ate chocolate and enjoyed each others company.

E and G- you two are my brothers. I know it! I felt so much better after spending some time with you guys. Thanks D, Dad, for everything. G was such a gentleman, and when I burst into tears all he did was take me in his arms and hug me. Just what I needed. Thanks G. You're an amazing little (big) brother.

It was about 12:40am when I decided I was in better form, and could drive back to M's. I fumbled around in the car a bit getting my phone's GPS set up and whatnot... and when I finally pulled out I flicked on the radio. The song that was just starting was one that Matt plays and sings for me :). It made me smile. I turned it up and sang along. Then, as I drove up and over the hill leading toward the freeway- there it was.... the moon. Looking bright and beautiful. A perfect half moon, like a giant smile, delicately layered with a few thin orange clouds.

I laughed, almost hysterically. What a cap to the over flowing emotions in my day. I wiped a few tears away from my eyes and with a giant smile pasted on my face I pulled over and called Matt. It was something larger, something more powerful, telling me things are OK. Keep my mind frame, keep my chin up, stay positive and pulled together (grounded, if you will)- and everything will be as it should.

I sang out loud the whole way back to M's. I fell asleep relatively fast, woke up feeling rested and ready to go home.

Though the drive through CA up the 15 was smothered in traffic, making us stop-and-go for about TWO hours... we made it home safe and sound. And happy.

Our separation was a treacherous and difficult one, but I know things will work out as they should and that I have done, and am doing my very best. I know in my heart things won't be this way forever, and I must be patient and positive.

I love you, Trevor. I will see you again soon.