Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Guilt

In the spirit of motherhood, I experienced some pretty bad guilt last night.

It happens. To all of us moms.

Trevor woke up at about 1am, whining a bit and moving around like crazy. Nathan had just gotten home from work so I wasn't about to go check on Trevor right away (I had to spend a few minutes with him before he disappeared to work again)- he fell back asleep in a couple minutes anyway.

Come 4:30am Trevor wakes up again, this time crying pretty fiercely. I wait a minute or two and go in his room.

Sure enough: FULL diaper. It was bad. I took him in the hallway so I didn't have to turn a big light on but the moment I peeled back the diaper he started wailing. I had to turn a light on.

I reached into the bathroom right next to us, and flipped the switch on. After cracking the door to ease our eyeballs from the blinding light, I went back to work.

He was fighting me every moment, screaming, and doing the "THIS REALLY REALLY FOR REALS HURTS MOMMY..." cry. The worst thing a mom can hear at 4:30am at this point. Nathan got up to help, and by the time I dabbed all the ::ahem:: mess away he was definitely experiencing a terrible rash. Duh.

We had to scramble and pull apart drawers to find our diaper rash cream (how responsible of us- putting it in an obvious place like the medicine cabinet). We had to hold his arms and legs so he would let me put the cream on. I hate that. After the cream was on he calmed down a bit, breathing heavily but definitely relieved. I put his new diaper on and let him lay there for a few minutes. As I looked at him I cried. I felt so, so, so guilty that I didn't get up earlier. Trevor looked at me, a bit confused, and then sat up and put his arms out. I gave him a big hug. After, Nathan and I talked to him, even laughed a bit. After every laugh of his there was a sort of "ehn" noise which rode down my spine straight into my heart like a dagger. What a trooper.

I picked him up and held him in the hallway for a few long minutes. He had his head against my face and I wanted that to last forever (but only if my arms and back would never get tired). Finally Nathan patted Trevor's back and leaned in for a group hug. We held each other for a deep breath then when Daddy let go Trevor popped his head up- eyes 1/8 open with a big closed mouth grin- and looked at me. Just looked at me in this way I can't describe.... other than the fact it was the cutest thing I have ever seen.

I know he doesn't blame me for not catching his mess earlier. I know he loves me no matter what, but it definitely doesn't stop me from wiping away a tear for how terrible I felt.