Keep on Truckin'

Perspective is important.
Take a deep breath.


I get tired of being patient, and wondering what's going to happen.
But I still do it.

I am not a fighter. I'm a... uh... love...er... I guess?

Am I afraid? Oh yes, of a few things. Fear comes and goes in my life, and about a year ago I wasn't afraid of anything. Nothing, literally- not even the death of those near and dear to my heart. I could ride in an elevator crowded with strangers and not have anxiety (let me tell you that is HUGE).

I had accepted that everything happens. I have control over my life, but not others. If I didn't like something I moved on to something different, or just changed the way I thought about it ("it's not all bad, there is that one good thing....").

Alas, broken down and heart broken, I cried my soul out last night. Some say it's healthy to cry every once in a while. If it's so healthy, why does it give you such a bad freaking headache and make you lose your breath? Huh? OK, I get it- emotionally healthy. Yadda yadda yadda.

I am not trying to be positive or negative in this post, mostly just ranting like I usually do. No point, of course. If there was a point that means I carefully thought out what I was going to say then went back and edited what I didn't want in here.

Not gonna happen this mornin' friends.

Oh, I am going horseback riding tomorrow!! Not trail riding-nose-to-butt stuff, but REAL riding! I can't believe how perfect the timing is. I haven't ridden a real horse (I know trail horses are "real" but honestly, they barely have brains... it's sad) since I was about twelve, and those horses didn't have proper training or anything. The jist is that my friend and I would hop a fence and go up in the hills behind our houses and use homemade rope halters as reins. No saddle or anything- just one little rope. Ha. Good times.

Can you tell I am excited? Horses are fantastic. I have always had a little dream to ride everyday.

I have been thinking about writing everyday. Not on this blog, but real writing. The kind that you secretly (or openly) want to share with the world, preferably published.

What is my story? Gosh, I can't decide. Fiction? Memoir? Manual?

Ha, manual. I could write one heck of a how-to on some things. Maybe I could write a fictional manual for something hilarious. Ah, I am not so good with the constant humor. Every once in a while sure. I nail it. But writing a satire would be incredibly hard for me.

Maybe that means I should write a satire? Why not make it challenging? Oh I know why- it won't be fun. It would be too hard. For my *ahem* first big story I think it should be really fun. Something I feel passionately about.

Or know really well.

::shrug:: I guess for now I should get to work. I am, indeed, sitting at my desk at work. So I should work.

Ta Ta for now. Thanks for tuning in. Really, who ever reads this thing may also be my first readers of a book I someday write. How does that sound?

Useless

This weekend was terribly boring. I had absolutely no motivation to do anything.

I also had no where I had to be... nothing I really had to do.

So, I did nothing.

OK, so I watched movies and TV all day, but seriously? I didn't really even eat.
Why didn't I write?
Why didn't I draw?
Why didn't I clean?
Why didn't I organize something?

Why didn't I go for a walk?
Why didn't I MAKE something for me to do?

I just sat, or laid, around feeling bored and lazy.
Let's just say today, Monday, I am feeling the same way- only I am obligated to be at work. I am obligated to work... yet here I am blogging.

What's going on? I see these things in front of me... I think they are called options... but I ignore them, and take literally the easiest way. Just the last few days mind you. But still.

Uh... why? I can't even really say why. I am feeling excessively lazy and like the world owes me something- even though that's not right. I know that's not right, I shouldn't feel like anyone owes me anything, because they don't. But here I am- complaining at work, complaining at home, complaining to myself because no one wants to hear my pity party invitations read out loud.

I am not having a pity party... I just... well, I guess I'm just not in a very good mood. Hopefully something will change soon or I might start to worry. This sucks. In my head I can think all sorts of things... you know, like: "It would feel great to take Vince on a long walk and let him sniff everything he wants" but out loud I'll say (to myself): "But Jubs HATES the cold and I have to DRAG him to get him to walk with me and if I leave him home alone he'll just BARK and WHINE the whole time".

Excuses are fun aren't they? No, you're right- they're not. They're not even good.

Oh well. Turn around mood! Turn around! Grr!

Ah, yes. The ever so standard, "It's been a while" post.

What is love?

Is love spending the night on the bathroom floor, laying next to your boyfriend who got entirely too wasted at the bar (and you weren't even there to have fun with him)? Is love accepting the fact that everyone makes bad decisions... and no matter how sad you are that you didn't get any real conscious/quality time with him... you still cuddle up next to him on the floor of the bathroom and read a book until you're tired enough to pass out?

Yes, perhaps that is love. Or stupidity. Or insanity. Or obsession. Or, maybe you can take your pick. I don't care. :)

I do... ever so much... love him.

...and he loves me.


And I'm happy.

Appropriate

I just posted, but here goes another one- and in fact that one should be read first. If you haven't done so please do so now.... ::hums and twiddles fingers::


All done? Alright- so I read my horoscope. I love this thing. Seriously, sometimes it's quite quite accurate. And, as to be expected sometimes it is way off. But with all due respect, we never really know what the day will bring.

Here:

"You'll soon have something to celebrate, Cap. You may have given up on a goal simply because it didn't materialize in the timeframe you expected. But in the days ahead you'll begin to see signs that what you hope for is still very much alive and well. Let this be a lesson. You need to be more open-minded and less judgmental of yourself, as well as less rigid in demanding that things happen in your own timetable. The universe works in mysterious ways. If you can be more carefree in your pursuits, you'll offer less resistance to the good things that are coming your way."

Notice anything?

I sure did. Yay for being on track with my inner self.

A Lesson In Patience

Had one of those ^ this morning.

Something simple, but it stood out enough to make sure I was aware.

Details? Not really necessary at this point, honestly. Just experienced a moment of judgment and frustration that didn't have to happen. It wouldn't have happened if I took a deep breath, and waited.

Everything turned out just fine, as it usually does. Not one of my finest moments, but thankfully I recognized it and can (hopefully) prevent it from happening again.

Everyday you learn something. Or somethings. I think that's one reason I love life so much.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...."

(The views and story expressed in this blog are from me, from my heart, and as honest of a recollection I can make. I do not intend to blame, shame, upset, irritate, or otherwise. It is what is it, and it was my weekend.)


What they say is true, you never really know...

The future, that is, is completely unpredictable and anything, ANYTHING, can happen... anytime.

This trip to California was one for the record books. Not that all my California trips aren't memorable, but this one... this one... phew.

E and I headed down Christmas morning. The drive was really nice.
We picked up Trevor! :D Seeing his happy little face feels like everything wonderful in this world.

He opened my presents at the Laguna house and then showed us all his break dancing moves. This kid is classic! He does "kick flips" where he somersaults, but while his legs are in the air he thrashes them about as fast as he can. It's seriously the most adorable thing ever. I have video to prove it.

He wasn't terribly thrilled with getting socks and underwear for Christmas, but hey- technically those were from Vince and Jubs ;). Oh- but you know what? When he put a new pair of socks on (the next day) he said to me, "Mommy, my new socks are SO COOL!" I snickered and told him I'd be sure to thank the puppies for him.

He is the greatest.

Christmas night I said, "You know what tomorrow is, Trevor?"

"No... what?"

"It's Mommy's birthday!"

"Really? The day after today, tomorrow, after tonight, is your birthday?"

"Yep!"

"I'm going to tell you Happy Birthday!"

Thanks kid. He did that too. A lot. In fact, the first thing he did when he woke up was come over to me and tell me happy birthday. He gave me one of those "I love you so much" looks and gently caressed the side of my face with his hand. He always does that. He plays with my hair too. He said Happy Birthday over 40 times to me, and after each one he said he loves me and followed it with a GIANT hug. He made sure to clarify, "I also like you Mommy."

Oh jeeze. I am surprised my heart was able to solidify after all the melting it did this trip.

We talked about toys, friends, school, what he has learned, what he likes to do, about snow, about Christmas, about my friends, about Matt... you name it. Trev can talk! He gets that from me. Actually, he has a lot of my traits (duh, right? He is my kid...). He loves to sing (everything, even metal :D), and he absolutely LOVES to dance!



All of his kick flips and break dancing gave me the idea to put him in gymnastics, and karate. I really believe he would like it- and if he didn't, we could find something else for him to do. Trev liked being the center of attention (oh, no- he didn't get that from me hehe), and wasn't shy AT ALL!

I couldn't believe it. I am such a proud momma. He must be doing really well in school and I am glad to see he has opened up.

Maria did my hair and make up for the day (I like being pampered), and Trevor kept complimenting me. "Your hair is so pretty Mommy.... I like your make up.... Maria did a good job, Mommy." This kid has such a great heart. He truly enjoys making people smile. He was so nice and complimentary to every one- even the animals ;).

Then we headed to the Inland Empire (sat in traffic *barf*) to see some good friends. One of which with a new baby (new- 2 months old). It was a breath of fresh air, though not literally seeing as it's southern California, to get out and about with Trevor. We had so much fun.

Another face I got to see was a one I haven't seen in years. The writer, the reflector, the man who went from desperation to inspiration. I must say- though he is going through something hard in his life right now he looks good. He is trying to stay positive, and I am proud of him!

He played Legos with Trevor, and we watched Despicable Me. Later in the evening we ordered pizza, and hung out with the lady of the house. Trev really liked her. He sat in her lap for an hour or so. I was a tad jealous ;) but I got to cuddle ALL NIGHT with him hehehe.

It was a very pleasant reunion.

All in all t'was an absolutely delightful birthday. I know I say it a lot, but I guess you never can really say it enough- I am so thankful!!!

That night Trevor asked if he could sleep in bed with me, because he said, "I'm your best birthday present." How can I say no? We cuddled :) and after he fell asleep he moved around A TON! Haha. In the morning, I woke up just before he did. He rolled over and looked at me, smacked his lips and smiled. I threw the blanket over our heads and he giggled in one of those truly happy ways. He wouldn't stop smiling. He gently rubbed my cheek and hair, while we talked about our dreams and what we should do for the day. He said he loves my hair and how soft it is ("softer than styrofoam" as he put it). I asked him if he likes his hair short or long and he said he likes it short. I complimented him on how amazing he is and he just smiled and hugged me. *tear*

Monday, we hung out with Maria and the fishes (two female dogs, she calls them her bitches, but around kids they become fishes). P and McC made an appearance (and although we didn't get to see beautiful lil Ada, it was great to see my friends).

Then... then it was time.

Time to take Trevor back home. I had been telling him all weekend, "When the sun starts going down on Monday, I have to take you home."

We stopped at Uncle B's and picked him up. I didn't want to make the long drive back by myself. T and my time together just wasn't long enough. For either of us. When I first picked up T up on Saturday he asked me, "Are we going to your house, Mommy?" He had a big smile on his face (as usual) and sounded pretty excited.

I said, "No honey, we're not."

"Well, why Mommy?" (furrowed brow)

"Daddy said no."

After this exhange he looked kinda sad, but I changed the subject and told him we were headed to my good friends' house and that they have silly puppies and a great big snake. His face returned to it's smiling state and he started asking questions about the animals.

Anyhoo- after picking up Uncle B and singing songs about how much we love each other, and rhyming about dinosaurs we reached our destination.

Trevor wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. But it is what it is.
We walked to the door and Trevor asked his Daddy if I could go see his room and his Sponge Bob tent.
That answer was no. Surprised? Me either.
That's what set Trevor off. After that he realized that I was going home, and he was staying there.
He latched on to me. He didn't want to let go.
I didn't want to let go.
I wasn't going to let go.
Trevor's cries and death grip were piercing my heart and soul like fire and ice.
I didn't know what to do. I wanted to keep holding onto him.
I never want to let go, and I never ever will.
Two days just isn't enough time.
With all my strength I held back screams. I held back anger and hate.
The cold in the air wasn't caused by the weather.

Finally, we were torn apart.

The door closed and I walked, if you can call it that, away.
High pressure systems and low pressure systems crashing against every bone. Physical pain enveloped my body and I was stricken to the ground.

I didn't know how to feel, what to feel, what to think, or anything. All I could do was cry. I cried very very hard. The gut wrenching, breath stealing, sobs that leave you shaking in shambles once they subside. I thought about making B drive so I could sulk in the passenger seat....

But, that's not me. Though I lose my ground from time to time I am strong. I know that our shared pain will never be forgotten. And its existence will enhance our bond after time. We have something so incredible that no time, space, people, or place can take that away from us.

Pain makes us cloudy. It is our self, and only our self, that can clear our mind and soul. Patience, strength, love, and positivity are the virtues I hold most dear. I have faith, as well. Faith in myself, faith in Trevor, faith in the power of our connection.

After going back to B's house and receiving some tools to help focus and strengthen myself, I generously thanked him. He is a very very great friend. Family, I should say.

I wasn't ready to go back to M's so I tooled over to the Laguna house to spend some time with the guys. D, G, and E. We all sat by the fire while I told stories of my weekend with Trevor and how much fun we had. We ate chocolate and enjoyed each others company.

E and G- you two are my brothers. I know it! I felt so much better after spending some time with you guys. Thanks D, Dad, for everything. G was such a gentleman, and when I burst into tears all he did was take me in his arms and hug me. Just what I needed. Thanks G. You're an amazing little (big) brother.

It was about 12:40am when I decided I was in better form, and could drive back to M's. I fumbled around in the car a bit getting my phone's GPS set up and whatnot... and when I finally pulled out I flicked on the radio. The song that was just starting was one that Matt plays and sings for me :). It made me smile. I turned it up and sang along. Then, as I drove up and over the hill leading toward the freeway- there it was.... the moon. Looking bright and beautiful. A perfect half moon, like a giant smile, delicately layered with a few thin orange clouds.

I laughed, almost hysterically. What a cap to the over flowing emotions in my day. I wiped a few tears away from my eyes and with a giant smile pasted on my face I pulled over and called Matt. It was something larger, something more powerful, telling me things are OK. Keep my mind frame, keep my chin up, stay positive and pulled together (grounded, if you will)- and everything will be as it should.

I sang out loud the whole way back to M's. I fell asleep relatively fast, woke up feeling rested and ready to go home.

Though the drive through CA up the 15 was smothered in traffic, making us stop-and-go for about TWO hours... we made it home safe and sound. And happy.

Our separation was a treacherous and difficult one, but I know things will work out as they should and that I have done, and am doing my very best. I know in my heart things won't be this way forever, and I must be patient and positive.

I love you, Trevor. I will see you again soon.

Ah.

The time is here!

Christmas is happening in four phases this year for us.

Phase 1: Mom's in the morning, today.

Phase 2: Christmas Eve with apartment 149 :)

Phase 3: Christmas Day- drive to CA to pick up Trevor!

Phase 4: Birthday Sunday Funday with me and T!!

We are truly blessed, and forever thankful for the kindness and generosity of the folks in our lives. Family and friends, you are amazing!

Amidst these sentences I am darting around the room/bathroom making sure I have everything packed and ready for my trip tomorrow. Should I wash this? Nah... I won't even need it. Oh, did I get this? Yep- packed in my black bag. I wonder if Trev would like this? Yep, put it in the backpack.

That sort of thing.

Merry Christmas Eve everyone who celebrates Christmas- and Happy Holidays to all others. There is a warm feeling in the air, and I think this year will be one to remember.